It's 2:15am and I can't sleep - I'm going to pay for this come 6am when the alarm goes off.
Not much has changed here - things are still crazy hectic and I've been feeling down lately. I mean, there's some great things going on in my life right now, but everything is different. My schedule, my planning, my meals, everything - I feel as if I'm living on a shoestring, just living day to day. It's hard to explain, but all structure has disappeared from my life. I used to have this whole routing - wake up, gym, work, school, home, take care of business, have dinner, hang out watching TV and go to bed. A pattern. A routine.
Nothing though, now. I'm TRYING to eat right, but it's not working. I've been as unmotivated as you can imagine, and nothing seems to make me want to be different. I mean - I KNOW what I'm doing to myself. I have a choice of rising about and achieving new things and falling into my own self pity, and yet I've chosen the second one.
I'll figure this out, but this one is going to need time. As I said, there's some great things going on in my life - mostly school related. In fact, you should all turn on the Today Show (you know, the national AM tv show) Thursday morning. I'm not sure what time during the program this will be, but we (my band) has been invited to perform on the Today Show at Campus Martius Park here in Detroit. I'm not sure how it's going to work but we're going to be downtown at 5:15am on Thursday and performing for the Today Show, so set those DVRs.
Anyway, the weight loss thing is in trouble. I'm not done, and I certainly haven't failed, but it's been tough. Going to cut this short - I've got to be up in 3 1/2 hours. I can't sleep at all, I've tried about 4 times tonight. Hang in there with me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Lost
I thought I should update you all on what's been going on in my life and why I've been missing from blogsville for the past few weeks.
I am getting a divorce from my wife.
It's hard to type, and even harder to realize. Erin and I had a great run - we met on new year's eve back in 2000-2001, dated for five years and were married for three. I don't want to get into the details - there's quite a bit that I'm not proud of - and I don't want to turn this into anything negative, as there's already so much of that. I refuse to say a bad thing about her and hope that it can be the same way. She's a great person, and we were great friends - but the marriage didn't work. I'll leave it at that and will delete all comments that slam her, me or the marriage.
That being said, I hope that helps to explain where I've been.
I feel lost. I don't have my goals straight or my life planned out anymore. I'm working at the high school full time - probably 12-14 hour days on the slow days, and some nights I don't get home until 11pm-12am because of a band event. That's good though, because it keeps me distracted. It keeps me focused on something so I don't have a lot of time to worry about things. And the best news to come out of it is, I'm a pretty damned good band director. I've found my passion and this is something that I truly know that I was put on this earth to do. I've found a drive to not only teach music - but to teach students to reach beyond what they thought was possible by setting challenges in front of them and just being amazed when they overachieve. Teaching is something that has always been in my blood - and being able to realize this dream is something that I have been needing to do for years.
So my life is the most extreme ups and downs that it could possibly be. I'm going through divorce - and have no job. I quit my $60k+/year job working 30 hours a week at the newspaper so I could student teach - for free, and in fact, I paid $2500 in tuition to do it. My stability is gone, my faith is weakened, and I'm holding onto everything that I can to keep my entire world as I know it together. I spent quite a bit of time with my in laws, my church, my friends - and essentially it all disappeared.
Weight loss has been a struggle lately, as you can imagine. It's in my mind - I *NEED* to start eating right. I'm living on my brother's couch, and just not in the right mind frame to eat healthy and work out. I haven't seen the gym in almost a month. I've been eating out most meals because I don't want to bother my brother by preparing food in his house - I know that sounds stupid and he'd kick me if I said that, but I don't want to impose on him.
I have no idea what my weight is - my brother doesn't have a scale and mine is still at my house. I know I'm losing control, and every day I wake up saying that today is going to be the day that I get my head back on and regain control of my life, yet I slip into shitty eating and not working out every single day. Now, I'm on my feet for at least 12-14 hours a day, so the gym isn't *AS* detrimental as the eating, but it's still a factor.
My motivation has been gone lately. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a free pass. The bottom line is, I'm in a major rut and just don't know how to get out of it. New opportunities in my life are popping up now, and I'm not strong enough to force myself to the gym and to eat right, right now. But I need to.
This is the time of my life where I need to stand up and make a decision - am I going to regain all of this weight because of the struggles in my life that I am facing, or do I pull myself up out of the quicksand and fight?
It's so much easier to say than do. Just hang in there with me - if I don't post, it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't see a computer for days sometimes. I'm around, but I'm fighting the battles right now.
I haven't failed. For whoever said I did, you're mistaken. Thanks anyway, though.
I am getting a divorce from my wife.
It's hard to type, and even harder to realize. Erin and I had a great run - we met on new year's eve back in 2000-2001, dated for five years and were married for three. I don't want to get into the details - there's quite a bit that I'm not proud of - and I don't want to turn this into anything negative, as there's already so much of that. I refuse to say a bad thing about her and hope that it can be the same way. She's a great person, and we were great friends - but the marriage didn't work. I'll leave it at that and will delete all comments that slam her, me or the marriage.
That being said, I hope that helps to explain where I've been.
I feel lost. I don't have my goals straight or my life planned out anymore. I'm working at the high school full time - probably 12-14 hour days on the slow days, and some nights I don't get home until 11pm-12am because of a band event. That's good though, because it keeps me distracted. It keeps me focused on something so I don't have a lot of time to worry about things. And the best news to come out of it is, I'm a pretty damned good band director. I've found my passion and this is something that I truly know that I was put on this earth to do. I've found a drive to not only teach music - but to teach students to reach beyond what they thought was possible by setting challenges in front of them and just being amazed when they overachieve. Teaching is something that has always been in my blood - and being able to realize this dream is something that I have been needing to do for years.
So my life is the most extreme ups and downs that it could possibly be. I'm going through divorce - and have no job. I quit my $60k+/year job working 30 hours a week at the newspaper so I could student teach - for free, and in fact, I paid $2500 in tuition to do it. My stability is gone, my faith is weakened, and I'm holding onto everything that I can to keep my entire world as I know it together. I spent quite a bit of time with my in laws, my church, my friends - and essentially it all disappeared.
Weight loss has been a struggle lately, as you can imagine. It's in my mind - I *NEED* to start eating right. I'm living on my brother's couch, and just not in the right mind frame to eat healthy and work out. I haven't seen the gym in almost a month. I've been eating out most meals because I don't want to bother my brother by preparing food in his house - I know that sounds stupid and he'd kick me if I said that, but I don't want to impose on him.
I have no idea what my weight is - my brother doesn't have a scale and mine is still at my house. I know I'm losing control, and every day I wake up saying that today is going to be the day that I get my head back on and regain control of my life, yet I slip into shitty eating and not working out every single day. Now, I'm on my feet for at least 12-14 hours a day, so the gym isn't *AS* detrimental as the eating, but it's still a factor.
My motivation has been gone lately. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a free pass. The bottom line is, I'm in a major rut and just don't know how to get out of it. New opportunities in my life are popping up now, and I'm not strong enough to force myself to the gym and to eat right, right now. But I need to.
This is the time of my life where I need to stand up and make a decision - am I going to regain all of this weight because of the struggles in my life that I am facing, or do I pull myself up out of the quicksand and fight?
It's so much easier to say than do. Just hang in there with me - if I don't post, it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't see a computer for days sometimes. I'm around, but I'm fighting the battles right now.
I haven't failed. For whoever said I did, you're mistaken. Thanks anyway, though.
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