Feeling Crippled

There's a few roadblocks I'm running into here.  I'm hoping for some serious feedback.

First off, and perhaps the most important - I'm getting into that lull where the weight bouncing up and down, along with my lack of knowledge (and commitment) to eating clean is causing frustration.

I'm finding it hard to eat right.  I'm not sure how else to say it.  With the schedule, the kids back to school and my wife and my work schedules pretty much opposite - and then add a few very serious life issues, and I'm having a hard time prioritizing eating when everything else is crazy.  However, I'm well aware that if I don't start eating right and exercising and doing what I need to do, I'll have much bigger problems than the ones I'm facing now.

The second thing is pretty frustrating, but there's not much I can do about it except fight through.  A week and a half ago (2 Wednesdays ago), I walk/ran my most recent 5k.  I tested the course that we will be running when we make it official in September.

I was hurting more than normal most of the way, so I did more walking than running.  I was about 5 minutes or so off my 'best' pace, but I didn't worry about that.  As far as I'm concerned, it's about finishing, and not how long it takes.

I was literally a block and a half from the finish line, and I feel something pop in my right hip.  Couldn't run anymore, and could barely walk.  Very thankful that I was only a block away from the church.  That being said, I talked to a guy, was told to ice it, etc, and that made it feel a bit better.  However, I skipped my first Wednesday run last week (I've been perfect attendance the entire program), and I haven't gone for a walk/run since.

Frankly, as I sit and type this, I can feel my heartbeat in my right hip.  It isn't a death pain, but it's enough to hurt pretty consistently.  I haven't been able to run, and honestly, I'm a bit scared to try.  I'll give it time.  Some say to have it checked at the doc, but the response I'm afraid I'll get it "You're fat, you need to take it easy".

So, between the poor eating (ok, not poor, but probably C- work), along with a total lack of exercise, and I feel like I'm totally failing.

I'm frustrated.  Any real advice out there for the fat guy tonight?

August Goals

This isn't going to be a LONG blog, but it's going to be meaningful.

It takes 28 days to create a habit.  I want to create a healthy lifestyle, and healthy habits.

Tom Rogers - who runs for the Red Sea, an amazing and meaningful running group out of Joplin (the same guy who willingly purchased a pair of shoes for my wife and I - over $100 each... and did I mention that he and I have NEVER met?), said something on Facebook today about wanting to run 200 miles in August.

Now, I don't think I can do 500 - I'm still learning, but I went back into my pedometer to see actually how far I have walked the past few months.  It was pretty good compared to what I THOUGHT it would be - but that only confirms that I know I am capable of big things if I really put my mind and effort towards it.

In June, my pedometer (after some crazy math) told me that I had moved 111.66 miles in the month.  That averages out to 3.72 miles a day.  Now, this isn't just intentional running or walking on tracks.  This is walking to the fridge and the bathroom.  This is walking to the car to go to work.  This is walking through the grocery store.

But, it's moving.  It's not sitting on the couch.

July's numbers were a bit better.   This is no surprise, as I have been getting up and moving more.  I did three 5k's over the course of the past 9 days, and I went on an intentional after dinner 1 mile walk last night.  I'll be doing more of that, and I'll talk more about that later.  July's pedometer recorded a total of 128.64 miles - or an average of 4.19 miles a day.

So, getting back to Tom.  This guy is talking about doing 50k and 100k runs.  I'm nowhere near that.  However, I know because he spoke at our church about a month or two ago that he wasn't always there either.  He had his own personal demons (as I do with my eating obsession), and he chose to fight them off.  Running was his path out, and I think that God is telling me that I need to do something similar.

From what I'm gathering from his Facebook (stalker, much?), he is setting a goal of running 200 miles this month.  I think that's awesome.  According to my numbers, I moved 128 miles.  Over the course of when I started writing this blog last night and this morning, I have realized that my 128 miles and his 128 miles did not equal out.  His are intentional - "I'm going out to run or walk" - the walks to the fridge don't count in his book.

But he's inspired me.  I'm going to be setting a few goals today, and I'm going to hope that you all keep me accountable to follow them throughout the month of August.  

My first goal is my "INTENTIONAL" miles.  These are the miles that I will intentionally step out of the house, set my MapMyRun app up, and record the miles that I go out and spend on the roads or trails.    Last month, I had about 13-14 of those types of miles.  I ran on Wednesday nights, and very occasional on and off again walks with the family.

My "INTENTIONAL" miles goal for this month is going to be 30 miles.  With August having 30 days, that means I plan on walking an intentional ONE MILE A DAY.  I know that I will not have 30 days in a row that I have the chance to go out and do my mile.  Between my wife and my schedule, along with the older kids' schedules and having 2 babies, I won't have a time tonight to go out and get it.  But, that doesn't mean that I can't do TWO tomorrow.   So, goal one:  30 Intentional Miles in August.

My second goal is my "PEDOMETER" miles.  These miles gauge my overall movement during the course of a day.  I've had 0.96 and 0.11 mile days (although I think the 0.11 mile day I didn't have my phone on me all day, to be honest), and I had 12.09, 9.92 and a few 10 mile days.  My trend the past two months was 3.7 miles in June per day and 4.14 miles a day in July.

My "PEDOMETER" miles goal is to run 5 miles a day - or 150 miles over the month of August.  That means I need to keep my phone in my pocket and make better choices about how I move.  If I'm at work, I need to stand up more instead of always sitting down.  I need to park farther in the grocery store parking lot.  And frankly, I need to up my "intentional" miles - that'll be the biggest focus.

So, here I go.   I was talking to a few of you who have similar weight loss goals, and I encourage you to start a blog, a Facebook page, or any other way to keep yourself accountable.  I'll cheer you on the way you've cheered me on.  Whatever it takes, I'm going to be healthy for my family.  One day at a time, right?

Eight Days, Five 5ks!

I ran/walked my third 5k during training last night.

I feel pretty good about the progress that I've made - my three times in the past eight days are as follows:

Last Wednesday: 3.12 miles - 56:09 (hilly trail)
Sunday Morning: 3.12 miles - 51:52  (gravel track)
Last night:  3.12 miles - 50:10 (hilly trail)

I'm seeing a lot of improvements, and I do feel a bit stronger.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still running maybe half, but probably about 2/5 of it, and walking the rest.  My breathing is way out of control and I feel dead to the world when I'm done, but as I blogged about yesterday, I'm better than I was, and I'm getting better.

I stepped on the scale again this morning, and saw 398.  That's down from 400.  I've been fluctuating a lot lately, and I know that has to do with the food I'm eating.   I work at the daycare, and I tend to eat what they're eating.  So, if they have cookies for snack, so do I.  If they have cheese biscuits (and I'm telling you, these are TASTY biscuits), then I have cheese biscuits.

I need to try to focus on the eating, but when I do, I get obsessive.  And not the good "look how strict I am" - but the "man, after I eat this, what do I get to eat NEXT?" obsessive.  As I wrote about yesterday, I'm fighting a food addiction.  I know it sounds easy to say "go grab some almonds" - because I do.  And I eat them all.  And then I'm off to my next edible conquest.

In our Run for God meeting, we discussed common weight loss mistakes.  They listed the following:

1. Unrealistic Expectations
2. Depriving Yourself
3. Using Food as Reward
4. Skipping Meals
5. Drinking Too Many Calories
6. Overestimating Your Calories Burned
7. Not Readjusting Calorie Needs as Weight Changes

I think I can fit myself into each one of those categories (except #7 since the weight isn't leaving yet).  I'm running short of time because I want to hit the store and get HEALTHY food instead of settling for what the kids eat today, but I think in my next few blogs I will be addressing those 7 issues.

What are your thoughts on these?  Contributions wanted!

Also, I'm going to create a "Weight Loss Friends" and "Friends Blogs" category on this page very soon.  If you want me to link to a blog, webpage or facebook page/group that you run or are a part of in exchange for you doing the same for me on your site, let me know.   As I've said, the more traffic, the more I feel accountable.  Thanks for considering it!

Brutal Honesty Time

I've spent the past few days going through my old weight loss blog.  Back in November of 2006, I started off on a weight loss voyage that I had no idea would still be going here in 2014.  In fact, I can say that I've lost 80 pounds in 6 months.  I can say that I've lost 120 pounds in 9 months.  I can say that I was diligent in the gym, focusing on my health, and blogging daily for years.

Yet, here I am, 25 or so pounds heavier today at age 37 than I was when I started this blog 8 years ago.

I have started different blogs about weight, both on blogger and most recently on Facebook.  I've talked a good game, and frankly, I think I've had some pretty good insights about what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.  As I go through my blog (especially in 2007 and 2008), I had some things figured out.  I was doing great, inspiring others along the way.

So, what happened?

I never had my priorities in order.

I've read a lot of my old blogs lately.  This is where I get blunt.

I was divorced in 2008.  In the years before that, it was a matter of me not wanting to be at home, so I found myself buried in the gym.  I didn't have kids.  I had a good income.  I had the wrong motivations for doing things.  Frankly, I never really learned how to eat right and love the foods that are good for you.  My hard work through exercise overcame my inability to eat healthy.  As I read through these old blogs, the one thing I never worked on was my food addiction, and I believe that this led to my ultimate downfall - gaining all the weight back.

After my divorce, I had an entirely new life.  Now, this isn't to bash my ex - but I'm sure she would agree that after that event, both of our lives got much better.  We found other people who respect more that we respected each other, and the courses of life took us in different directions.  Lessons learned, if you will.

That being said, for me - it was the best thing I could have ever done.  I had met my wife, and was blessed to meet her nine, eight and six year olds.  At the time, I had no idea that I would love them as my own, and be blessed to have this little pre-made family waiting for me.  Then, when Elijah and Olivia came around, it was the seven of us.  I've been blessed, and I've been blessed good.

But schedules changed.  Instead of being just "Rob", I became "Dad".  TOTAL upgrade, but I started to think about others more than myself.  In fact, not only did I take my own health concerns and put them on the back burner, I allowed myself to take them completely off the stove.

The weight came back.  I found my old "low weight", and in 2007 I got down to 266.6 pounds.  I stepped on the scale a few days ago and it read 402.6.   I am no mathematician, but my Android calculator tells me that I have gained 136 pounds since that day.

I feel like I've let myself down.  But it's bigger than that.  My wife won't admit it, but I've also let her and the kids down. She married a confident, healthy guy who would carry the family on his shoulders and be someone that she could be proud of.  Today, she has a guy whose confidence is shaky at best, and I'm a fraction of the healthy guy that she married.  Sometimes I forget that while I don't like what I see in the mirror, my wife and kids see this too.  I see pictures of me - especially side views - and I cringe.  I see a weak, grossly obese guy who has let a food obsession overcome him.

Let's be blunt again - if I see a giant guy at Walmart, huge belly and hunched over, obviously hundreds of pounds overweight, the first thing I think is "how did he let himself get that way?  What is his deal?.  I've thought that of guys in the past.  I know you're not supposed to judge, and I know it's taboo, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.  I mean - "look at that guy, he's enormous.  He's killing himself.  Stop with the cheeseburgers already, man."

I did that once, and then a voice rang out in my head.

"Dude, you're bigger than him.  Who are you to judge?"

Fast forward to 2014.

I'm in a completely different place.  I struggle with weight loss, and especially serving sizes.  I don't plan my foods and tend to dive into full meals with the family.

I am having a hard time finding full time employment, and have been passed over for jobs that I know I was qualified for - and I  know for a fact that a few of them were because I am overweight and would not represent the company as an outside salesman very well.  I can put a suit and tie on, and I still don't have the 'professional' appearance (aka: attractive 25 year old female) that many companies want out of their salespeople.

I don't have the energy to do the hard labor stuff.  I can't climb a tree to do landscaping work, I can't safely crawl under a house to check out a leak in my own home.    I've limited myself to what I can do because of my weight.

A lot of what I've said seems like I'm bashing myself, but I don't mean to.  But, I think it's important that I am very - and I mean VERY - realistic about the position that my food addiction has put me into.

So, let me point out the stuff that I have that is positive.

I have a wife who loves me regardless of any of the mistakes I've made over the past 5 years of marriage.

I have five kids who love me unconditionally.

I have a church family and a God who love me, and have always been there for me.

I have purpose in life.  My family relies on me, and I have a purpose in the church.  I work with kids that need me, I have friends that have a true interest in me, and I have a God who has pulled me out of every single one of these complete messes that I have put myself in.

I'm not where I thought I was going to be.

The good news is, I'm not dead.  I know who I am and what my challenges are.

I can't run a 5k in 31 minutes like I used to.  But, I can run one in 51, and I can better myself.

I can't step on a scale and have it read 266 anymore.  But, I can step on one, and I can better myself.

I don't look in the mirror and like what I see.  But, I can still look into one, and I can better myself.

So, if you see me, keep me accountable.  If you only read this blog, leave a message to keep me accountable.

I will improve.  I have been making small steps, but not every one has been in the right direction.

I will be Running For God tonight at 6:30 - my goal is to complete a 5k tonight.  Not in 59 minutes like my first one, or 51 minutes like my second one.  Not 31 minutes like I did back in 2007.  But, I will finish.

And then I'll wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror.  I will not be proud of what I see.

But it will be better than today, and I'm ok with that.