It's funny - usually, when I see that I haven't blogged here in a while, that usually means that something is wrong, or I'm avoiding something. But tonight, there's good news.
I've mentioned my joining the Red Sea - the running group out of Joplin. These guys have been amazing. Supportive, helpful - and just flat out motivating.
I was given the honor of being able to speak to the group of 160 tonight. While I wished I had an hour to talk about the rises and falls of my life and share the full testimony of how I've gotten to where I was, I was blessed by being able to share a shred of it.
I did something I haven't done in many, many years tonight. Our goal was to TOLL (time on lungs and legs) for 1.25 miles today. Run, walk, whatever - just move. In the past, I've been a walker that throws a salt's taste of jogging into the mix. Last week, I was able to go about .44 miles without stopping. I told myself I wanted to do the 1/2 mile without stopping.
Our track is 1/4 mile - so, easy math says that would be 2 rounds. My legs were on fire by the end of the second one, but I was talking to God the entire time. Asking for strength for just one more lap. And he gave it to me. 3/4 mile.
Then, something happened.
As I got to the end of that, I thought to myself - .. "heck, only one more lap and that's a MILE."
So I did it. Legs on fire.
And then I thought.. the job was only to go 1.25 miles.. "can I do that?"
So I did it. Legs in a scorching inferno.
And THEN I thought.. could I go above and beyond? Could I go an even 1 1/2 miles... non stop... jogging the ENTIRE time?
...
And then I did it.
Lava legs.
So, I've officially been able to do just under half a 5k nonstop. I can't remember the last time, if ever, I've been able to do that.
I was talking to Tom tonight afterwards, and he said something that really got me thinking. He said that when pain is above fear, failure is possible. It's not until fear overtakes pain where success happens.
I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to fail my little babies, and my wife. I'm scared that by the time I'm forty, I won't be able to walk. Or talk. Or have my heart beat.
I am ready to fight that fear. Perhaps that's what has been missing this entire time.
In the words of the Red Sea ... DRAGO!
@QUITquitting
Monday, January 26, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Brutal Honesty Time
September 11th.
That's the last time I posted on this page. Honestly, it's probably the last time I did anything to help myself towards my personal health, too.
There have been so many times I've dropped the ball on this in the past 10 years that I have stopped counting. Some of you guys have seen me do it so many times that you can pretty much predict when, and why I fail.
Honestly, it's frustrating here - but I'm not going to give up. Let me just ramble here for a while, let's see where it goes.
I eat because I'm lazy. I'm unstructured. I have 5 kids from the ages of 2 (3 on Wednesday!) to 17, and it's hard enough to keep food in the fridge, let alone the healthy stuff.
I have good intentions. I want to do the right thing. Hell, I've done it before. Back in the day I had a weight loss blog calledhttp://icanseemytoes.blogspot.com/ that I posted on all the time. In 2006, I was working out, being super healthy, doing the right things, and went from almost 400 pounds down to about 244. All by eating right, moving right, and inspiring others to do the same. I hosted weight loss challenges, contests, the whole deal. I was on the ball.
Then, I went through a divorce. I remember one day during that period where I was so proud of myself - losing weight was not only becoming easy, but I was inspiring others. I was doing great.
I remember something my later-to-be ex wife said to me during our falling out period. Why this sticks with me, I don't know. I don't hate her for it, and I know neither of us were very good with our words back then. But, I remember her telling me -
... "I hope you gain all your weight back, plus some".
I think she said it because she wanted to hurt me with words, the same way that I had done to her so many times. Why this stuck with me, I don't know. However, the worst part about it - part of the reason I feel so guilty about being the weight that I am now is, she was exactly right and her wish came true.
I was about 260 pounds or so then. The largest I had ever been in the past was 389.
Today, I sit here posting this blog at 425.
I wasn't sure I was going to post that anywhere. Frankly, it's embarrasing and a sign of myself as a failure.
I have these kids who look up to me - not only my five kids, but other kids in the church. The youth group guys that hang with my older kids. The little ones that are friends with my little ones.
I feel like I'm failing all of them. And also, I feel like I'm failing my wife.
Hoping to not get too personal here, my marriage has been struggling lately. Not the "D" word struggle, but just the day in and day outs. We are no longer the happy couple that goes out on walks, the fun couple who makes sure we spend time with each other. We don't manage our time the way we used to, so that we could make time for each other. Whether we are working, taking care of kids, making sure that we are at the church to help with A, B or C - whatever it is, we aren't doing what's right for our marriage.
If I'm being 100% honest with myself, that's my fault. I don't want to admit it, because I know I'm at fault. I'm angry all of the time. I jump down the teenagers' throats because of chores, or homework, or curfews.. I don't feel close to my wife because of reason A, or reason B. I find fault in things that honestly.... aren't worthy to fault.
I am angry all of the time. I am angry even when I dream - I have crazy dreams where I'm angry at my wife, angry at my kids - angry at work, home.. everywhere. I can't even explain it. It's beyond rediculous, and it's affecting every aspect of my life.
Not until recently have I figured out the "WHY" to all of this.
The WHY has been obvious to me for so long, yet I have chosen to ignore it.
WHY?
Because I hate what I look like in that mirror. I hate that I struggle to climb out of bed. I hate that I avoid going to my kid's classroom at the church because it's up a flight of stairs and frankly, I'd rather skip the steps. I hate that I get winded walking around a store. I hate that my clothes - the same clothes that I ONLY SAVED because I wanted a reminder of the size I used to be and I promised myself that I would never wear again - those same 4XL shirts that were WAY TOO BIG for me years ago, are getting tight on me.
I hate that I am failing my wife and not being the healthy example to her and my kids.
I hate myself.
So, I turn to you. When I started this blog I didn't have plans to put that all out there. But, here it is - 105wpm later, I'm pouring it out there.
Today I start a new Run for God program with an amazing group of folks that I have never met. I've been following them - they're called the Red Sea, and I'm going to rely on them for motivation and strength that honestly, I don't have myself. Honestly, I'm afraid to go and start this program, because I don't want to add this to the list of things that I have failed at over the past 10 years. But, I need this. I need to get off my rear end, look in the mirror, and feel proud of myself again.
So, keep me accountable. I better be at College Heights by 6pm tonight. Freezing weather, insecurities and all. I'm not doing this for a New Year's Resolution. I'm doing this because I'm tired of lying to myself, and my wife and kids being the ones to take the fall for it.
https://www.facebook.com/theTuckRule
That's the last time I posted on this page. Honestly, it's probably the last time I did anything to help myself towards my personal health, too.
There have been so many times I've dropped the ball on this in the past 10 years that I have stopped counting. Some of you guys have seen me do it so many times that you can pretty much predict when, and why I fail.
Honestly, it's frustrating here - but I'm not going to give up. Let me just ramble here for a while, let's see where it goes.
I eat because I'm lazy. I'm unstructured. I have 5 kids from the ages of 2 (3 on Wednesday!) to 17, and it's hard enough to keep food in the fridge, let alone the healthy stuff.
I have good intentions. I want to do the right thing. Hell, I've done it before. Back in the day I had a weight loss blog calledhttp://icanseemytoes.blogspot.com/ that I posted on all the time. In 2006, I was working out, being super healthy, doing the right things, and went from almost 400 pounds down to about 244. All by eating right, moving right, and inspiring others to do the same. I hosted weight loss challenges, contests, the whole deal. I was on the ball.
Then, I went through a divorce. I remember one day during that period where I was so proud of myself - losing weight was not only becoming easy, but I was inspiring others. I was doing great.
I remember something my later-to-be ex wife said to me during our falling out period. Why this sticks with me, I don't know. I don't hate her for it, and I know neither of us were very good with our words back then. But, I remember her telling me -
... "I hope you gain all your weight back, plus some".
I think she said it because she wanted to hurt me with words, the same way that I had done to her so many times. Why this stuck with me, I don't know. However, the worst part about it - part of the reason I feel so guilty about being the weight that I am now is, she was exactly right and her wish came true.
I was about 260 pounds or so then. The largest I had ever been in the past was 389.
Today, I sit here posting this blog at 425.
I wasn't sure I was going to post that anywhere. Frankly, it's embarrasing and a sign of myself as a failure.
I have these kids who look up to me - not only my five kids, but other kids in the church. The youth group guys that hang with my older kids. The little ones that are friends with my little ones.
I feel like I'm failing all of them. And also, I feel like I'm failing my wife.
Hoping to not get too personal here, my marriage has been struggling lately. Not the "D" word struggle, but just the day in and day outs. We are no longer the happy couple that goes out on walks, the fun couple who makes sure we spend time with each other. We don't manage our time the way we used to, so that we could make time for each other. Whether we are working, taking care of kids, making sure that we are at the church to help with A, B or C - whatever it is, we aren't doing what's right for our marriage.
If I'm being 100% honest with myself, that's my fault. I don't want to admit it, because I know I'm at fault. I'm angry all of the time. I jump down the teenagers' throats because of chores, or homework, or curfews.. I don't feel close to my wife because of reason A, or reason B. I find fault in things that honestly.... aren't worthy to fault.
I am angry all of the time. I am angry even when I dream - I have crazy dreams where I'm angry at my wife, angry at my kids - angry at work, home.. everywhere. I can't even explain it. It's beyond rediculous, and it's affecting every aspect of my life.
Not until recently have I figured out the "WHY" to all of this.
The WHY has been obvious to me for so long, yet I have chosen to ignore it.
WHY?
Because I hate what I look like in that mirror. I hate that I struggle to climb out of bed. I hate that I avoid going to my kid's classroom at the church because it's up a flight of stairs and frankly, I'd rather skip the steps. I hate that I get winded walking around a store. I hate that my clothes - the same clothes that I ONLY SAVED because I wanted a reminder of the size I used to be and I promised myself that I would never wear again - those same 4XL shirts that were WAY TOO BIG for me years ago, are getting tight on me.
I hate that I am failing my wife and not being the healthy example to her and my kids.
I hate myself.
So, I turn to you. When I started this blog I didn't have plans to put that all out there. But, here it is - 105wpm later, I'm pouring it out there.
Today I start a new Run for God program with an amazing group of folks that I have never met. I've been following them - they're called the Red Sea, and I'm going to rely on them for motivation and strength that honestly, I don't have myself. Honestly, I'm afraid to go and start this program, because I don't want to add this to the list of things that I have failed at over the past 10 years. But, I need this. I need to get off my rear end, look in the mirror, and feel proud of myself again.
So, keep me accountable. I better be at College Heights by 6pm tonight. Freezing weather, insecurities and all. I'm not doing this for a New Year's Resolution. I'm doing this because I'm tired of lying to myself, and my wife and kids being the ones to take the fall for it.
https://www.facebook.com/theTuckRule
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