Curse the Groundhog

It's not like me to not post in 4 days, so I thought I'd pop in.

I'm full of excuses lately, but I've been doing "ok". Long story made short, I've been so busy lately and so wrapped up with what's going on at the school and at work, and then other extra curriculars that I haven't been able to make time for myself. I've been putting Erin off too - which I feel bad about. It just seems like it's one "major event" after another, and the preparation for all of this is incredibly time consuming.

I've been leaving my house by 5:45am every single day, and generally speaking, I haven't been home (and even when I have been I've been working on something while I am there and not relaxing) until around 9pm most nights. Then, I don't get to sleep before 11 it seems, and the alarm is going off at 5:20. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm the 'busiest' person here, or that I'm the ONLY person with a hectic life, but right now, I'm being pulled in so many different directions. Work is stressful as hell with deadlines and requirements that have been BREATHING down my neck. School is a lot of fun, but there's a ton of extra effort. I've been recording the bands and watching the 'game film' so to speak to work with them the next night, there were parent/teacher conferences that I went to (weird being on the other side of the desk, btw) that means I didn't get home until after 9 again last night, and our major Festivals (huge competition) is next Friday, so we've been gearing up for that.

So, my weight loss program has taken a back seat. I've been eating "ok" - great some days, not-so-great the next. You know what that means. I even justified having two Rice Krispy Treats a few days ago because it's "only marshmallow and cereal". I've been in the gym like clockwork 7 days a week, but my workouts are lackluster and unfocused. I get in there, do a 'few' things, work out for a little bit, and call it a day. My dad used to have a saying - it's like nailing one foot to the ground and running. You're going like hell, but you're not getting anywhere.

Everything just seems so unorganized lately. This weather doesn't help - it's totally miserable. It seems like it's snowing every other day, we haven't seen higher than 25 degrees, it's windy and shitty outside - I feel like a caged rat. Billy used to talk about these Winter Blues (not sure if that was the right terminology) and how it's hard to work out in the winter, and the general depression that you feel during this time of year. I think that's hit me pretty damn hard this time around. Everything is a struggle.

So, we continue. I weighed in at 275 this morning. I've been going between 272 and 276 for the past week, and I ended up having Subway (not the healthy smart stuff - the "what the school bought" stuff) last night, so I'm sure I'm a walking sponge today.

I just need to hold on. Springtime can't come soon enough.

Another Day

Weigh In: 272.0

Another short blog tonight, I've been at a loss for words. Nothing really big happening - the same work and school schedule. I didn't get a chance to work out this morning because I gave blood yesterday and was told not to work out for 24 hours, so I didn't.

I'll be back at it in the AM - the weigh in was a bit weird because I usually weigh in AFTER working out, and today I didn't do that so it "could have been" lower. Not too concerned, it is what it is, and it's coming down steadily.

Other than that, not much to report. In the gym in the AM, then school/work, and then volleyball. We made the weekly turkey chili tonight, so I"ll be having that the rest of the week. Erin thinks that it's weird that I can have the same thing for lunch 5 days a week, 3 weeks in a row, but I love this turkey chili. It fills me up, it's SUPER healthy, and it's working. Why fix it if it ain't broke?

Here's to another day.

Checking In

Weigh In: 271.0

Not much to say - had a good day eating wise. I think I might have had a bit too much at dinner - a Cuban pressed sandwich (the bread was kind of big but it was a slice of salami, ham, pork and swiss cheese). Instead of fries I got cooked veggies, and I had about half a Sam Adams Winter Lager. I HATE wasting beer but I wanted SOME, but I kept staring at the beer and thinking "Calories". I did great calories wise the rest of the day - eggs and hash browns (about 5 bites of potatoes) in the AM before the gym and a bowl of Raisin Bran (not ideal but good on the calories) for lunch. That's it - so I don't feel too bad about the dinner.

Other than that, no real news. I see the 271 on the scale and I'm apprehensive. This may sound stupid, but I'm nervous - every time I hit 270/269 I blow the the eating and gain 4 pounds. I know that sounds stupid - it's 100% under MY OWN CONTROL, but it's been such a pattern. THIS is the time for me to break that cycle and just do what I have to do. I can't keep sabotaging myself.

So that's it - short blog. Just checking in. Hope you're all going strong.

Avoidance

Weigh In: Already reported

Just wanted to get a quickie in. Had a ton of potholes in the road tonight, and I can say that the car came out undamaged.

First, the "healthy" meal that I talked about in the last blog. I stuck to my guns, and ate my own meal. I DID go over and grab some broccoli and pineapple, but I left the healthy chocolate bars alone.

Then, we went to dinner. Had Taco Bell - 4 hard shelled tacos for a total of 600 calories. After my menu today (coming up) I stayed around 2000 calories, so I don't have a problem with it. After this, we went to the Pistons game. I usually get something to eat and a beer - I chose the best alternative for both the wallet and the body. I skipped it completely. THEN - ended up at a party that my sister-in-law was hosting. There was a ton of snacks, brownies, cheese/crackers, tons of liquors and beers. Me? I had a Diet Coke.

So I'm home, and I feel like I did what I could. Now comes the true test - the weekend.

Stay strong, Weekend Warriors.

"Healthy" Choices

Weigh In: 271.8

The weight's going in the right direction. Today, I'm at the office for 10 hours, from 8-6pm. This is a tricky time for me, because when I'm at the school (not this job, the student teaching stuff) I am constantly moving and working with the kids, so it's easy to not think about food. When you've got 60 seventh graders, it's not hard to get distracted about where your next meal comes from.

(Side note: That gives me hope that once I'm doing FULL time student teaching in September I'll be more successful w/ the food thing).

Today is "healthy eating day" at the job. I'll give my team credit - they planned a healthy menu and are doing the potluck instead of ordering pizza, burgers and fries like they usually do. On the other hand, I brought my lunch today. Turkey chili again (love it), a few pieces of fruit, and a tuna packet in case of hunger later. I'm prepared.

Everyone around here views me as the 'healthy' guy, so naturally they want me to join them on the healthy menu. But, as the saying goes - one man's garbage is another man's treasure. I just looked over there, and they'd got quite the spread. There is a veggie tray (with full fat ranch dressing), a soup that actually does look healthy, oranges, a cheese dip, another melted cheese con queso dip, a few spreads of crackers, a crab dip, and - and I'm not making this up - almond hershey kisses because the almonds are healthy.

I wish I was lying about that - I just took an inventory of the whole deal. I think I could go on an entire rant about what HEALTHY food is and what isn't - but I think it's nice that they all decided to get together for a meal. I grabbed an orange, just to say I participated.

However, instead of the super healthy chili con queso, I think that I'll be sticking to my turkey chili, thank you.

Beware of Potholes

Weigh In: 272.4

Yes, that's five pounds down from yesterday. That tells me two things.

One, it paid off that I ate the way I did yesterday. I'm headed in the right direction.

Two, my body is obviously fluctuating, and let's not get TOO excited.

Just wanted to make a quick post here today. I planned my meals out perfectly, had a good workout this morning, and I headed out to do my student teaching. We brought in a teacher from a different school to have him help listen to the bands, and after rehearsal (lunch time), my lead teacher looks at both of us and says, "lets do lunch, my treat".

So instead of having my turkey chili, I had a julienne salad from this hole in the wall joint. I found the MOST healthy option on the menu, and chose it.

The pothole to avoid is now that I'm at work, I already had lunch, and now I have my prepared lunch sitting there in the car. I'm reminding myself that just because I had lunch unexpectedly, I don't get to have the turkey chili "in addition", since it's just there. In the past, I would have had the chili in the car on the way to work - but I did good to avoid that. I am still having my planned snacks (bananas, almonds), but the chili will live for another day.

I know I'm going to struggle with this for a while, but I did it once, and I can do it again. I have to get this to become the second-nature that working out has become. That will only happen after plenty of repetition. So far, so good.

Making the Adjustments

Weigh In: 277.2

Yeah, that pretty much sums up my dedication for the past few weeks.

I've intentionally spend the past few days talking about the mental side of this war within myself. I'm trying to spend more time working on the inside as it's very clear that I've completely either ignored or hid this issue within myself. I've learned a few things about myself, and what I need to focus on.

To me, it's purely about keeping myself honest. I've been lying to myself, and I've known it. The last week I've had little to no energy. I was really look down on myself because I knew I wasn't eating right, working out as STRONG as I could, and I wasn't reporting it. I was lying to you guys, but more importantly, I was lying to myself. I'll work much better towards that.

That being said, here's some of the specifics that I've learned from you guys lately, and some basic things that I'm going to apply.

1 - Eating MUCH more naturally. I'm not going to pretend to be able to completely eliminate EVERYTHING processed out of my diet. But this is going to be something I focus on and spend a lot of time thinking about. In fact, Erin and I went to the grocery store specifically tonight to get the following:

-Apples, bananas, broccoli, carrots and almonds.

You'll see a trend. I'm cutting out the obvious processed foods - the lean pockets, for example. I'm going to limit myself on the amount of diet pop I have. I don't like coffee or tea that much, but I want to start trying coffee. This is where it gets tricky - I want to start slowly eliminating things like Splenda out of my diet (not natural), but if I'm going to trade my diet pop in for coffee, black coffee just disgusts me. One step at a time, but this is how I'm starting off. I hated diet pop at the beginning and had a hard time switching from regular, and not I can't imagine myself drinking regular pop as it disgusts me - perhaps this mental switch will take me one more step.

2: I'm not going to eat past 8pm. That means no snacking, no desserts. Now - sometimes dinner might have to get stuck past 8pm if I don't see my house before that, but the common sense rule applies here. Try to eat dinner early, and just call it a night. There's no reason to eat past 8pm - so I won't do it.

3: Pre-planned snacks. As I mentioned above, I bought almonds and fruit today. Instead of a "fat free pudding cup" as a side dish, I'm getting carrots and broccoli. Need a mid-day snack to keep me going? 28 almonds are 170 calories - plenty to take the hunger away, and a great choice as a substitute.

So this is how I'm learning to walk on water. I said that I planned on getting out of the boat, and this is how it starts for me. I had a perfect day today, here's my menu:

Breakfast - 1 serving shredded wheat w/ 1 cup 1% milk
Snack - 1 orange
Lunch - turkey chili, 1 apple
Snack - 3 ounces of tuna in water
Dinner - Chicken parm (but no cheese) - homemade, it was a chicken breast with breadcrumbs and tomato sauce.

Recognizing what needs to be done is one thing - DOING it is another.

Today was a success. Tomorrow needs to be as well.

If You Want To Walk On Water

First off, I just posted another blog entry - so make sure to read that one and comment, please. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to post this to explain the new title. The "Second Season" wasn't working for me, and as usual, I have to change it up once in a while.

The phrase, "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat" has rang true to me for a while. A few weeks ago at church, our pastor did a sermon on this. He spoke of the disciples, and the story of Jesus walking on water. The disciples were in this boat, and Jesus proved that he could walk on water (paraphrasing to keep this from being a sermon in itself). Peter was one of the disciples, and only he - of all 12 of them in the boat - had the guts to get out of the boat and actually have the FAITH to believe in Jesus, and attempt to walk on water. Because of his faith, he was able to do this - if only for a few seconds. The story goes on, but the point is that Peter relied on his faith and what he knew was right - and tried something that he didn't think was possible, and because he put himself out there, he found that he could do something that he would have never dreamed of.

That story sticks with me, because I relate it to where I am in this weight loss journey. If I'm being completely honest, I'm having a real hard time right now. I'm not mentally strong enough lately to do everything that I know I need to do. I just can't seem to get over this roadblock in my mind - I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own body. I'm not losing weight, and it's because I'm simply not trying enough. But then I try, I don't see the results, and then I get frustrated and then fall back into my own hole of self-pity and regret.

I know that I am sabotaging myself, yet I don't know why.

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about how you guys are succeeding, and the things that you are doing. My biggest issue is the food - and I've yet to be able to control everything in my life when it comes to this. It's a major food addiction, this I know. But I also know that I've tried and SUCCEEDED in the past - I mean, how many times have we heard about the 100 pounds that I've lost?

Food has always been my safe haven. It's what I've known to keep me afloat. There's a joy that I can't even explain when I eat - it's some type of euphoria that I know isn't natural. I sneak snacks when Erin isn't home. I eat a little extra when she is. I justify eating because I've earned, or deserve it. The bottom line is, I feel powerless in a situation that only *I* have the power and control over.

I'm just going to face this weakness head on, and deal with it. I will fight these cravings and realize that this is only a weakness because I choose to let it become on. Just like a smoker who has just been told that they have lung cancer, I have to face what I've been doing to my body and do whatever has to be done to recover from my problem.

I know I've told you guys a million times that "this is the time that I succeed" - and I hope that I mean it this time. But I have to look at it from a different perspective. As many of you said, I have to realize that food is NOT for comfort, but for nutrition. This is going to take a complete change of thought process for me, and I'm not even going to pretend it's easy. I've been able to come as far as I have using food as a crutch in my life. As something more than the fuel that it was intended to be.

I'm going to forus on this new way of thinking, and if that means doing the research, or doing whatever I have to do to learn this new lifestyle, that's what I'm going to do.

Today, I step out of the boat, and try to walk on water.

Order Among Chaos

Another pitfall in my way has been my crazy schedule. As Billy noticed, I'm constantly all over the place. I go from school to work, and am on the road a ton during the day. Because of the hectic schedule, I tend to eat "when I get a chance" - and that chance has translated into eating on the road, eating right when I get to work, eating when the clock says to eat (as opposed to when I am hungry), and eating later at night than I want to because that's when life finally slows down.

Every few months my schedule changes (thank my college classes/student teaching for that). Every few months I have to relearn what works - and honestly, I didn't take the time to do that this time around. Take today for example - I was starving the minute I woke up today, but didn't want to eat until AFTER the gym - that way, I wouldn't carry my hunger over until later. I think that's a pitfall I set myself up for. What I SHOULD have done was grabbed a piece of fruit and taken it with me - take the 'hunger pains' away, and keep on my scheduled day.

My body doesn't know what to do lately. All I do is think about food, when my next meal is, and how QUICKLY I end up eating my food when it's actually time to eat.

One thing I've noticed lately is that when I'm alone eating - I wolf down my food. If it's the breakfast in the morning, or my lunch on the days where I eat in the car or at work - I scarf it down. Then, I'm not satisfied. I just simply want more food - not because I'm still hungry, but because I feel like I should still be eating. For those of you who have never dealt with food addictions, you might not understand this. But I have a feeling there's some of you out there that do.

On the other hand, when I'm eating in the teacher's lounge and carrying on conversation at the same time - or if I'm with my wife and we're having a meal together, I tend to eat like a human being. Erin always tells me that once my food gets to the table (when we go out to eat), I stop talking to her and just focus on eating the meal. I never realize that I'm doing that when it's happening, but she's brought it to my attention lately that once that plate hits the table and my fork is in hand, she can count out conversation with me. That's something that shines a light on another pitfall.

Eating too fast.

So this is what I can learn from this, and how I will adjust.

Starting tomorrow, I will set TIMES for my meals, and what I will eat when. I'll have a bowl of oatmeal BEFORE the gym. I will come home, shower, do my thing and then grab a piece of fruit to eat on the way to school, so I'm not stressing out about driving without food (trust me, it's as bad as it sounds). Then, I will bring a few extra pieces of fruit and vegetables in a bag and I will eat those at school in the teacher's lounge. I will bring my turkey chili to work, and eat that around 2 or 3pm - enough to hold me over until dinner time.

I will be conscious about how I eat. Take a bite - take my time to enjoy it, and if that means PUTTING THE FORK DOWN BETWEEN BITES, that's what I'll do. That worked for me in the past, so I will do that again.

The bottom line is, I have to get back into my habits. I go to the gym 6-7 days a week, and it's just clockwork. I don't have to fight myself, I don't try to skip out - it's my ROUTINE, and I'm good with it. My body accepts it.

I have to do the same thing with food. The only way to create a habit is to repeat the behavior - so that's what I'm going to do.

Pitfalls

Ever since I read the comments on my previous blog, I've been constantly thinking about what this next blog was going to be about. My mind has been racing - would I talk about my eating, and how I can make sure that I do better? Do I talk about getting into a "just do it" attitude and keeping myself from making the same mistakes that I have over and over again? I've gone over a hundred new 'techniques' in my head the past few days, but yet it all keeps coming down to a certain theme.

Avoiding pitfalls.

I have become very good for a short amount of time. If you need someone who will eat perfectly, work out great and lose a good amount of weight in a few days, I'm your man. I've lost over 100 pounds by doing this - short chunks of time in 'perfect' state, and then a day or two slacking off, and 'right back to it!".

So, I didn't want to re-invent the wheel. I know that in order for me to lose weight, I need to stick below 2400-2600 calories in a day. I know that I should work out at least 4 times a week. I know that I should take the processed foods out of my diet, plan my meals, cook ahead of time, follow a schedule, write blogs keeping myself honest, write down my calories, follow a workout plan .. I could go on and on. Honestly, I could write a weight loss book based on the fact that I've dropped over 100 pounds on my own. Not many people can say that.

So what's the catch? Where do I go wrong? What are the PITFALLS that I fall into that cause the slowdowns - the lapses in my concentration that allow me to eat poorly, justify it, and lose the ground that I've already gained multiple times?

That's the hard part for me. I've been looking at this as objectively as I could lately. This is what I've come up with:

- Eating 'because it's time to eat". It seems like I have this idea of a schedule. A good example of this is my work schedule. I do my student teaching from 8:30am until 12:30pm every day. The teacher I work with has a scheduled lunch break at 11:15. So, I have my breakfast before the gym, and I head right to the school. When it's time for lunch at 11:15, it's time to eat. I'm not hungry - but that's what the clock says, so that's when I eat. Even if I'm not even remotely hungry, I eat my turkey chili and whatever else I've put together, and eat the entire thing.

Then, I leave there and have a 25 minute drive to work. I've trained myself over time that when I drive, I need to eat. I've programmed in myself that when I drive, I need to eat. Since I've already eaten my lunch, my brain is telling me to eat again. Why? Because I'm supposed to eat when I am driving. I don't know how it became this, but it did. So, when I get to work I feel ripped off - I wasn't able to eat while I drove, so I start snacking. And in my office, there is NO shortage of snacking stations. If you want it, chances as you can find it at my office.

So there lies a pitfall. If I know this is my behavior, how do I correct it with good behavior modification?

I've decided to take two lunches to work. Not two full lunches. There's no reason for that. But, because I have to spend between 11:15am and 11:40am in the teacher's lunch room, I should bring food. Tuesday when I go back (they have Monday off), I'll being a few pieces of extra fruit and maybe some veggies - put them in my lunchbox with a bottled water, and eat that while I'm at the school. That'll hold me over.

That way, when it comes time to drive to work another hour and a half later, I'll have my lunch.. If I want to eat my pre-measured, pre-made turkey chili on the way to work, I'm able to. I will have planned my meals, ate when my body wanted to eat, and I avoided the pitfalls of 'cheating' my body out of it's normally scheduled eating time.

From there, my day seems to go well.

The bottom line for me isn't trying to re-learn how to eat healthy. I've already got that down pat. I've got my workouts down pat. I know how to systematically work this so that I run at peak performance. Even after these past few months of being mediocre, I still consider myself in the best shape of my adult life. But sometimes that isn't enough, and I know I'd be lying to myself if I tried to convince myself of anything otherwise.

So my blogs aren't going to be about the number on the scale for a while. I want to post my challenges - not in a whining, "poor me" kind of way, but in a very straight forward self-analysis type of way. I need to systematically restructure my way of thinking, and instead of hiding my weaknesses in hopes of them magically going away, I need to bear down and take a good hard look at myself.

Billy was dead right. I don't WANT to give up comfort foods. If given the choice between a healthy cooked meal and fast food, I still want the fast food. I haven't gotten to the point in my weight loss journey where I've seen FINAL results - so maybe that's part of it. This has to be looked at in a common sense approach. I've always wanted to bury it in my consciousness and ignore it. That monster keeps sneaking back up and taking swipes at me.

It's time for me to face these mental issues head on. There's no other way around it.

This is step one.

Questions

I've been trying to put a post together for the last few days and have been at a loss for words. Not exactly something you'll hear me say often.

I've been thinking about the "WHY" and the "HOW" in this whole thing. I see a wide line being drawn in the sand in the Coalition lately, and I feel like I'm fighting to get to the other side. You've got the guys like Billy and Brian (and others) who just never seem to take a day off. Every day it's something new - and something so damned impressive that there's no surprise that they are seeing amazing results.

Then there's others who have been in a funk lately and I haven't seen a positive post from in a while. Some disappear, some just don't post, and some are just really having a hard time with it all right now. My heart goes out to that group, and you know who I'm talking about.

But then there's a third group. The half-assers. The ones like Melissa, Kevin and I. I use us three because I know you won't get offended when I say this. This group - and this seems to be the majority of the Coalition - is fantastic for a few days. And then we drop off. And then we put it all on the line again and do great for a week. And then it fade. It's like we capture lightning in a bottle - but then it fades, and we spend time searching for it again.

I've been trying to figure out this dynamic. What defines us - and how do we learn from our mistakes? I know the 'basic' answer - "just do it". There's a lot of things that someone can say - and we've heard them all. Be accountable. Be honest with yourself. Put yourself first. Make yourself a priority. There's a hundred more where that came from.

But there has to be something that separates the full-assers from the half-assers.

Is it personality types? Is it as simple as saying that the full-assers want it more? Are they just more dedicated to this than I am?

I don't know. Maybe. But when I'm on fire, nothing stops me. I can look at myself in the mirror and know that when I am ON TRACK, no one can stop me. There's not a challenge I won't win. There's not a poor food choice I won't overcome.

And perhaps that's what confuses me the most.

I know I'm not alone when I say this - you're doing so well, you're so proud of yourself, and then for some reason, you just eat like shit. You skip a workout. You break the diet you've been acing all week.

Why? What causes the disconnect between desire and success?

I don't have the answer to this one, and it's been avoiding me for a long time. I'm tired of being in the 270s yet I'm not doing everything PERFECTLY. That doesn't make sense to me. As Jim says, "if you're going to eat poorly, why even work out?" I work out 6-7 days a week at 6am. That's not an easy task. I get up, I'm motivated, I get my ass up and out and head to the gym, and then I MAKE IT HAPPEN.

But then I short change myself.

Perhaps there's an easy answer. Perhaps it's something much more deep. There's got to be a connection here somewhere, and I've yet to find it. Do I just love food more than I love myself? Do I doubt myself and use food as an excuse? Do I think that I don't DESERVE to look the way I want to look?

I ask these questions daily. I hesitated writing a blog about it because I don't have the answers. I don't want this to come off as a 'whining' blog, because God knows I've had enough of those in the past.

What is that secret ingredient? And to those of you who are enjoying the results of your hard work - what makes it click for you? Is it a simple answer to you, or is it something deeper?

Keeping Above Water

Yesterday's Weigh In: 274.5 (pre-VFW)
Today's Weigh In: 271.8

I have to make this quick - it's been hard finding 10 minutes to create a blog.

Long story made short, the VFW thing worked. I was hungry ALL day, but the anger I had towards punishing myself carried me through. Ended up eating 4 nectarines, 2 oranges and then my turkey chili at night. I was still hungry after the chili so I had two pieces of celery with peanut butter on it. It worked out well, the weight came back down. That'll teach me.

My schedule's been tough lately, but I'm hanging in there. Up at 5:20am, in the gym at 6am, hurry home and get to the school for my student teaching by 8:20ish. Then, head straight to work at 1, work til 6, and then usually something at night. Last night it was volleyball - I got home around 8:30 - tonight, I have private sax lessons that I teach that'll take me until 8pm.

It's harder and harder to balance everything, but I feel like I'm SO close to this degree. I'm student teaching 7th and 8th grade band, and I'm having an absolute blast with it. I head to work after that, and honestly, it's hard to keep my head in the game. My heart is in the classroom now, so coming here is more of a chore than something I enjoy anymore. Every day has been a struggle.

So the beat marches on (pun intended). I think I may take a day off from the gym tomorrow - I have been going 7 days a week for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I don't have school tomorrow so other than the gym, my first responsibility isn't until 1pm. Some down time may be just what the doctor ordered.

Just wanted to update - back to work!

The VFW Diet

Weigh In: 271.8

Ok, give it to me. I won't like to hear it, but give it to me. Tell me how I am all talk, tell me that the only reason I'm not staying under 270 is my shitty decisions, and tell me how tired you are of hearing about me not being able stay faithful to my diet. It is what it is.

I don't know why I do it. Ate PERFECTLY today. Made my turkey chili on Sunday, packed that lunch, was all set to go.

My company had a major advertising meeting (the ENTIRE company - the Detroit Free Press is huge, btw) at the Sheraton Hotel tonight. There was a bar and they served dinner. Think wedding reception, a lot like that. So, because I was in a social situation, what did I do? I ate and drank everything. I had the roll with butter again, I had the chicken and red skinned potatoes (only option) that was coated in butter, I had 3 drinks, and then I had this BIG ass piece of cheesecake. They just put the cheesecake in front of you, but I could have pushed it away. I didn't. I don't know why. No excuses, no reasons, no offered up thoughts on it. Just freaking stupid.

So it is what it is. I doubt the weight loss Gods give me two free passes in 3 days. If you guys were in front of me, I'd have you punch me square in the luggage.

So I steal a page out of Billy's book for tomorrow. I can't go as extreme as he does, but a controlled fast is called for. The VFW Diet.

Veggies, Fruits, Water.

That's it.

24 hours from the last time I ate, which was 6pm. So, I'll have nectarines, oranges, and water. For dinner I'll have the turkey chili that I was planning on having for lunch. And then I'll go to bed, and then MAYBE I'll learn that eating like a goddamned moron doesn't work for me.

I have to do better, there's no excuse for this.

More tomorrow, I need to go jump off the roof.

Holy Crap, Saturday Already?

Weigh In: 271.4 (lucky)

Wow, I can't believe I haven't blogged since Wednesday. That's crazy. It just seems like I haven't had 10 minutes in a row to myself since then. Been able to use Google Reader and hit all of your posts to leave comments, but mine's been dry.

So to update - I've been holding steady. Usually I'd say that's bad, but that's really, really good consdering. I don't know what it is - but I've been hungry CONSTANTLY. All I've been thinking about is the next time I'm going to put food in my mouth, and it's been horrible trying to eat right. I've been fighting off the grazing desires and have been "pretty good" - but you all know what "pretty good" gets you.

Hell, last night was the worst, and I caved. We went out to dinner with some friends and then back to their place to watch a movie (Mr. Woodchuck - not the funniest movie ever but pretty decent). We went to Logan's Roadhouse. I figured I'd get a salad or a steak and veggie bit, but when I got there, we ordered beers. I got a 22 of Sam Adams Winter Brew. Then, they brought these buttered rolls out.

I don't know why, but I instinctively grabbed one. In my head, I was cursing myself. Then, I spread FREAKING BUTTER on it. Why? No clue. I just did. It was the NEXT two rolls that I spread butter on that I had a major issue with myself over. I ate three buttery rolls with more buttery fat on top. Then, for my meal I ordered the steak, which was good. I ended up having cinnamon apples with it along with a side salad, so not such a bad choice.

However, I want to thank Erin for the subtle elbow to the ribs. I originally orderded Macaroni and Cheese as the side dish. The "elbow to the ribs" isn't symbolism for anything. She literally elbowed me in the ribs. I knew what she was thinking because I was lying to myself, and told the waitress that I changed my mind and that I'd have the apples instead of the mac and cheese.

The weight loss Gods gave me a free pass this morning, because I stepped on the scale and saw 271.4. Honestly, I was expecting something MUCH higher. It was a moment of weakness, and it could have spiraled into another blog where I was ranting and raving about how stupid I was for blowing my diet, and how I always seem to do this and how 270 is a number I would never break.

The bottom line is, I blew it last night. I'm a bit frustrated with myself, but on the other side, I think I 'deserve' to be able to go out and have a good time with friends and not have to eat the "most healthy, boring thing" on the menu. But there's a middle ground, and I can't allow my food addicted ass to justify eating three fat covered carb bombs - as the APPETIZER no less.

I can do better. I will do better.

Here's how: Erin and I went grocery shopping this afternoon together, and I have all the ingredients for a fantastic (and super healthy) turkey chili. I'll be having that for lunch this week. I loaded up on nectarines and oranges, have my tuna packets for my 'emergency hunger' moments, and I'm ready to take on the next week.

"Pretty Good" just isn't enough. This week my average goes under 269.9.

No regrets?

Weigh In: 271.8
Calories Counted: 1902 (seems low)

Fat - 21.7% (46 grams) Protein - 15.0% (71 grams) Carbohydrates - 42.0% (200 grams) Alcohol - 0.0% Other - 21.3% Daily Sodium Intake - 3,580 mg Daily Cholesterol Intake - 109 mg Daily Fiber Intake - 22 grams

I feel like I'm forgetting to put something in my food journal but I think I have everything. I'm feeling pretty full right now, so I feel satisfied.

I'm struggling with finding something to write about tonight, so let's get away from weight loss for a minute. Some of you who know that I'm getting a degree in Music Education here in December, and that means I'm doing my year of student teaching right now. From January to May I'm in a Middle School working with the bands. From September to December I'll be at a MAJOR High School program in the city of Detroit. The High School won the State Championship in football last year, so you can imagine what the Marching Band program is like. Intense program - this is a program that is traveling to Beijing, China in July, and Nova Scotia in August. They're big time.

Ok, so maybe this will turn "weight" related - I'm just thinking as I go.

One of the reasons I decided to start losing weight is because of my looks. I knew that in December of 2008 I would be graduating from college and looking for a job in my field, and I always had it in the back of my head that a 400 pound overweight guy wouldn't be taken seriously in an interview. I had no self control and couldn't even stay healthy - why would a school program trust the health of their music department to me? It always worried me - I didn't want to be the joke that the interviewer talked about after I left the room. First impressions always scared me - I mean, who wants to be the 'elephant' in the room?

On the flip side, I think one of the problems I've been having lately is that I'm starting to feel good in my own skin. Now, you think that'd be a good thing - but it's been hurting me recently (the past 3-5 months). I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle now - I know I have a long way to go, but I am not AS embarrassed (I still have some of that in me) as I was back then - and I have people telling me constantly how much better I'm looking.

But I don't want to settle for "almost" or "pretty good". I want to be the one to turn heads. I know that if I keep going, and stay consistent, that it'll happen. In order for me to get the results like Billy, and now others like Brian are getting, I have to work as hard tomorrow as I did when I was working my hardest. I feel like I'm doing pretty good - not bad, but not PERFECT. I need to strive for PERFECT if that's what I want to get when it comes to results.

I'm babbling tonight - just being a bit reflective. I guess the point is - if you're going to comitt to something, why not go all the way? If you created a blog, why don't you use it EVERY day? What is stopping you from eating PERFECTLY instead of letting bad choices slip in? What makes you roll out of bed when you really would much rather stay in bed?

These are the things to consider when you are deciding on whether or not your weight loss goals are TRULY important to you. It's important to me - and even though I'm NOT perfect, I've got my eyes on the prize. Every day I try to find some way to improve.

What are you doing to make sure you're proud of yourself when it's all said and done? Will you have regrets?

FAT Tuesday

Weigh In: 272.4
Calories Counted: Pending

So far today, I've had a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast, turkey chili and 2 small oranges for lunch, and I have a grapefruit for my snack coming. Dinner will be healthy - a few options at the house, ranging between turkey meatballs, Mexican Lasagna (which is much more healthy than it sounds - I should get the recipe up one day), and turkey chili. Lots of turkey in my house lately.

The weight went up the last few days, slowly. I didn't record my food yesterday, but I can tell you I was too high in carbs. I caught myself 'snacking' when I really didn't need to be snacking, and I paid for it. The weight is up above 270 again but I'm not sweating it though - I had two huge glasses of water and a glass of Diet Coke just before bed (I was thirsty as hell yesterday, I couldn't seem to quench it) - and then weighed in super early, so I'm not really going to freak out. I just need to keep going strong, the weight will come right back down.

I'm pretty sure this is only a midwestern thing, but we "celebrate" Mardi Gras with Fat Tuesday today. It's the day before Ash Wednesday - and although some don't realize it, "Mardi Gras" is French for Fat Tuesday - at least from what I've heard today. The day recognizes that we're giving something up for lent, and today is the day that you indulge in your favorite foods since it's going to be the last time you can do it for a while.

Frankly, I think that is insane. Years in the past, I've taken the holiday as far as I could go. I'd indulge on these Paczki donuts (which are basically 1000 calorie jelly donuts) because it was tradition. One donut? No way - these babies were a challenge. Four, five, six of them in a day - because after all, I was celebrating a one-day-a-year holiday. I always used to joke about Fat Tuesday being the day to celebrate me - I was, after all, the fat guy.

It's interesting to me, because in the past, even as recently as last year when I was writing this blog, it was a 'fun' holiday to me. Looking back at it - and seeing how far I've grown - Fat Tuesday pisses me off. It's my hyper-sensitivity to everything that I used to be that really burns me. I accepted this day as my own because of my own insecurities, and I was ok with it.

For now on, however, I proclaim today FAT Tuesday. Fit and Trim, Thank You.

Today is a day to celebrate the FAT Coalition. We're a group of folks who want to better ourselves and become healthy individuals. We trust each other, we have the best interest in the group, and together we make one damn fine support group for anyone who wants to walk into our proverbial doors.

So, happy FAT Tuesday everyone. Celebrate how far you've come, and let's make plans for a great 2008 in terms of weight loss and whatever other goals you have in your life.

Just keep those donuts for the weak. I've got no use for them.

Super!

Wow - didn't realize I didn't blog yesterday. Here we go - a quickie before the Super Bowl.

Saturday's Weigh In: 270.4.
Sunday's Weigh In: 269.4

I didn't count calories on Saturday as I didn't see my house literally from 6:30am until 2:00am not counting a 3 minute stop to change clothes. Long, long day, but I made some good choices (which resulted in the weights above).

Saturday's Menu:
Breakfast: Raisin Bran
Lunch: Bites of chicken breast, small serving of mostaccoli, salad and 1 cookie (catered)
Dinner: Max & Erma's Santa Fe Salad.
Other: 4 beers - all Rolling Rock Green Light (60-ish calories each)

Super Bowl Sunday's Menu: (so far)
Breakfast: Raisin Bran
Lunch: Chicken strips (3), salad, sausage & saurkraut
Dinner: Turkey chili, veggie tray, veggie wraps (planned Super Bowl fare), and probably a few more light beers

We're having a few people over for the game here in about an hour, we're doing our best to provide healthy options. I'm sure there's going to be the 'other' stuff, but as long as I provide the GOOD choices, hopefully I can stick to it. I've been doing good - I saw the 260's again today for the first time since mid-December (266 on Dec. 18) - so this is up to me. I can either STICK TO THIS and keep this movement going, or I can ruin it and lose pace on what I've been doing so well on because I can't control myself with temptations around.

Hope you all do well - be "SUPER" strong this weekend, Warriors.

Quickie Report

Weigh In: Reported already
Calories Counted: 2017

Today's Breakdown:

Breakfast: Raisin Bran w/ 1% Milk
Lunch: 2 Yogurts, Grapefruit and Tuna Packet (no time to heat up the soup I brought)
Dinner: 12 ounce steak, creamed spinach and a 1/4 cup (if that) of wild rice - 1 glass wine

Fat - 19.1% (45 grams) Protein - 35.6% (188 grams) Carbohydrates - 42.2% (222 grams) Alcohol - 3.2% (10 grams) Other - 0.0% Daily Sodium Intake - 2,643 mg Daily Cholesterol Intake - 383 mg Daily Fiber Intake - 39 grams

I did well today. We went out to a really fancy dinner at the Rochester Chop House and had a good meal. For those who love my sodium number, it was down today. Also, much more protein and less carbs I think my chart looks pretty good today.

I'm bumming out because I can't get to the gym tomorrow - I have to help host a Solo & Ensemble competition at the high school and there's a pre-meeting at 7:30am. I was prepped to go to the gym early (aka: set my alarm for 5am on a Saturday morning, hows that for dedication) but the gym doesn't open until 8am. I'm working the event until after 5pm and we're going out afterwards. I've been weighing myself AFTER my workouts for a while now, so I'm concerned that I may not see below 270 tomorrow. I'm 203.4 as of 10pm - and yes, I'm fully aware of how crazy I am for stepping on the scale 10 times a day. ;)

Looks like I have to focus on the nutrition tomorrow. I've got to get 'er done.

TGI(snowy)F!

Friday Weigh In: 270.2
Calories Counted: Pending
Thursday Weigh In: 271.4
Calories Counted: 2212

Yesterday's breakdown:

Fat - 22.9% (59 grams) Protein - 27.6% (162 grams) Carbohydrates - 49.5% (289 grams) Alcohol - 0.0% Other - 0.0% Daily Sodium Intake - 4,902 mg Daily Cholesterol Intake - 307 mg Daily Fiber Intake - 38 grams

One small note - I know some of you are concerned about the sodium intake, but I talked to Josh about this a while ago, and he told me that as much as I work out and as active as I am, I really don't need to worry about the sodium - and that these levels are ok since I'm sweating most of it out.

I think the biggest problem I've been having these past few months is NOT writing things down. I got away from the details of calorie counting and reporting every single calorie - and it shows. If there's a lesson to be learned, it's that you just can't let one aspect of this process sneak away - you have to not only be 100% in the gym, and 100% in the eating, you can't let either slack. If you're not looking at both of these things equally, you're wasting your time.

For me, I hit the 270.2 today - the lowest I've been in quite a while. Now, it's time to break through and stay there. For the January challenge I said I wanted to lose 10 pounds, and I lost 9.25 pounds. No shame in that. Some of the guys were talking about using Memorial Day as one of the big milestones (since that's when guys start taking their shirts off in public), and if I can keep this pace of 9.25 pounds a month, that will put me at 37 pounds lost - or having me weigh in at 233. I don't know if that's good enough for me to be ripping the shirt off - I'm self conscious as hell about this - but there's only one way to find out.

I said 60 pounds for the year. What's wrong with blowing that out of the water early and being able to reward myself this summer?