Brutal Honesty Time

I've spent the past few days going through my old weight loss blog.  Back in November of 2006, I started off on a weight loss voyage that I had no idea would still be going here in 2014.  In fact, I can say that I've lost 80 pounds in 6 months.  I can say that I've lost 120 pounds in 9 months.  I can say that I was diligent in the gym, focusing on my health, and blogging daily for years.

Yet, here I am, 25 or so pounds heavier today at age 37 than I was when I started this blog 8 years ago.

I have started different blogs about weight, both on blogger and most recently on Facebook.  I've talked a good game, and frankly, I think I've had some pretty good insights about what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.  As I go through my blog (especially in 2007 and 2008), I had some things figured out.  I was doing great, inspiring others along the way.

So, what happened?

I never had my priorities in order.

I've read a lot of my old blogs lately.  This is where I get blunt.

I was divorced in 2008.  In the years before that, it was a matter of me not wanting to be at home, so I found myself buried in the gym.  I didn't have kids.  I had a good income.  I had the wrong motivations for doing things.  Frankly, I never really learned how to eat right and love the foods that are good for you.  My hard work through exercise overcame my inability to eat healthy.  As I read through these old blogs, the one thing I never worked on was my food addiction, and I believe that this led to my ultimate downfall - gaining all the weight back.

After my divorce, I had an entirely new life.  Now, this isn't to bash my ex - but I'm sure she would agree that after that event, both of our lives got much better.  We found other people who respect more that we respected each other, and the courses of life took us in different directions.  Lessons learned, if you will.

That being said, for me - it was the best thing I could have ever done.  I had met my wife, and was blessed to meet her nine, eight and six year olds.  At the time, I had no idea that I would love them as my own, and be blessed to have this little pre-made family waiting for me.  Then, when Elijah and Olivia came around, it was the seven of us.  I've been blessed, and I've been blessed good.

But schedules changed.  Instead of being just "Rob", I became "Dad".  TOTAL upgrade, but I started to think about others more than myself.  In fact, not only did I take my own health concerns and put them on the back burner, I allowed myself to take them completely off the stove.

The weight came back.  I found my old "low weight", and in 2007 I got down to 266.6 pounds.  I stepped on the scale a few days ago and it read 402.6.   I am no mathematician, but my Android calculator tells me that I have gained 136 pounds since that day.

I feel like I've let myself down.  But it's bigger than that.  My wife won't admit it, but I've also let her and the kids down. She married a confident, healthy guy who would carry the family on his shoulders and be someone that she could be proud of.  Today, she has a guy whose confidence is shaky at best, and I'm a fraction of the healthy guy that she married.  Sometimes I forget that while I don't like what I see in the mirror, my wife and kids see this too.  I see pictures of me - especially side views - and I cringe.  I see a weak, grossly obese guy who has let a food obsession overcome him.

Let's be blunt again - if I see a giant guy at Walmart, huge belly and hunched over, obviously hundreds of pounds overweight, the first thing I think is "how did he let himself get that way?  What is his deal?.  I've thought that of guys in the past.  I know you're not supposed to judge, and I know it's taboo, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.  I mean - "look at that guy, he's enormous.  He's killing himself.  Stop with the cheeseburgers already, man."

I did that once, and then a voice rang out in my head.

"Dude, you're bigger than him.  Who are you to judge?"

Fast forward to 2014.

I'm in a completely different place.  I struggle with weight loss, and especially serving sizes.  I don't plan my foods and tend to dive into full meals with the family.

I am having a hard time finding full time employment, and have been passed over for jobs that I know I was qualified for - and I  know for a fact that a few of them were because I am overweight and would not represent the company as an outside salesman very well.  I can put a suit and tie on, and I still don't have the 'professional' appearance (aka: attractive 25 year old female) that many companies want out of their salespeople.

I don't have the energy to do the hard labor stuff.  I can't climb a tree to do landscaping work, I can't safely crawl under a house to check out a leak in my own home.    I've limited myself to what I can do because of my weight.

A lot of what I've said seems like I'm bashing myself, but I don't mean to.  But, I think it's important that I am very - and I mean VERY - realistic about the position that my food addiction has put me into.

So, let me point out the stuff that I have that is positive.

I have a wife who loves me regardless of any of the mistakes I've made over the past 5 years of marriage.

I have five kids who love me unconditionally.

I have a church family and a God who love me, and have always been there for me.

I have purpose in life.  My family relies on me, and I have a purpose in the church.  I work with kids that need me, I have friends that have a true interest in me, and I have a God who has pulled me out of every single one of these complete messes that I have put myself in.

I'm not where I thought I was going to be.

The good news is, I'm not dead.  I know who I am and what my challenges are.

I can't run a 5k in 31 minutes like I used to.  But, I can run one in 51, and I can better myself.

I can't step on a scale and have it read 266 anymore.  But, I can step on one, and I can better myself.

I don't look in the mirror and like what I see.  But, I can still look into one, and I can better myself.

So, if you see me, keep me accountable.  If you only read this blog, leave a message to keep me accountable.

I will improve.  I have been making small steps, but not every one has been in the right direction.

I will be Running For God tonight at 6:30 - my goal is to complete a 5k tonight.  Not in 59 minutes like my first one, or 51 minutes like my second one.  Not 31 minutes like I did back in 2007.  But, I will finish.

And then I'll wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror.  I will not be proud of what I see.

But it will be better than today, and I'm ok with that.