Weigh In: Already reported
Calories Counted: 1899
A few things to note tonight.
First off - I appreciate the comments that I'm getting. I'm taking it all to heart.
I guess the reason I'm being so hard on myself is because I know I can do better. I feel myself taking shortcuts that I wouldn't have done in the past. Almost a year into this, I've learned more about myself - my strengths, and more importantly, my weaknesses, than I thought.
Before this whole thing started, I never finished anything that I started. I'd have this great idea, go balls out for a few weeks with amazing success, and then I'd just get bored and move onto something else. I did this with weight loss my entire life. Eat good, get bored, eat everything. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I guess the reason I'm constantly putting myself out there is because I know this group is my accountability. I know that some of you are going to cheer me on no matter what, and I know some of you are going to call me out on it. It's what keeps me going.
Marcol hit on something in the last set of comments two days ago that really kind of hit me, and I'm wondering if she's onto something. I've been talking about addictions to food, and how I feel like I lose control sometimes. I mean - just tonight, Erin and I had our healthy dinner - and what did I do? I went and had a bowl of cereal afterwards. Why? No clue. I just was thinking about it, and I did it. I just went and ate again. I don't understand why. Then, once in a while, when I'm home alone, I tear the door off of the fridge and eat everything in the house. Why? Because it's there? I get this feeling in me where I get this uncontrollable need.. it's not even an urge - to just eat until I physically hurt.
This is something that used to be a daily occurrence with me years ago. I've dealt with this for years - it's how I got to be almost 400 pounds in the first place. I always chalked it up to a lack of self control and left it at that. But lately, I feel it coming back. I've been good about it - and even when it's uncontrollable, I find myself forcing myself towards the 'healthy' stuff - so even if I *DO* binge, it's something healthy. But I can't always do that - and that's when trouble starts.
That's what kills me. I think I said this before - but I've always looked as addiction as a controllable weakness. Want to quit smoking? Fine - shut up and just don't light up the next one you think about. Addicted to food? Whatever - just shut your mouth and walk away from the fridge. The fact that I couldn't do that in the past - and even sometimes now, is lazy talking, it's not 'addiction'. That's how I viewed addiction.
But maybe there's something to what Marcol said. Maybe I should seriously think about this more than I have. I mean - what happens if she's on the money, I lose all this weight, and then the next round of binges hit me? I'll gain it all back quicker than I could lose it.
This is a lifestyle change. I've said this a few times (try a hundred) in the past year - it's a shift in eating habits, lifestyle, how I carry myself and how I feel about myself. Billy and I were talking and we were saying how when we first started this, we just assumed that when the weight was gone, the associated problems would just disappear.
They don't.
They fester and hide and they grow until they get out of control unless you spend some of your time focusing on them. Maybe I need to look at this further. Maybe it's more psychological than I'm giving myself credit for. This is something I'm going to seriously have to consider as time goes on.
And most importantly - I'm not putting this out there for sympathy, pity or even pats on the back. If this addiction is something that is controlling me, then maybe it's controlling someone else. And if there's any way to beat something, it's to expose it, and go for the soft spot. Putting this out there - I just thought I should.
Oh - and I met with Josh the Destroyer today. For those of you who are relatively new (last few months), Josh is the guy I met at Bally's when I trained there. Josh was the first trainer that was able to relate to me and really get me in the right direction. If it wasn't for this cat, I would still be almost 400 pounds feeling sorry for myself. He busted my tail in a workout today and I'm sore in places I forgot I had. Working with this guy motivates the hell out of me - makes me take a closer look at the WHOLE picture - which perhaps is why this blog has turned into what it has. I didn't sit down in front of my computer thinking I was going to write about food addictions the way I did.
But things happen - and if it's on your mind - where else should you put it but on your weight loss blog?
9 comments:
This is a real issue, Tuck, and maybe you do need to get some help. A food addiction has to be a hard one to fight, because you can't just stop eating the way you can with smoking, drinking, etc. I'm not saying it's easy for those people, but it is possible to never smoke another cigarette or drink another beer and live a long time. You can't do that with eating.
If this is a problem you honestly have, then there should be some type of treatment for it. I don't know what it is or where to find it, but it's something you might want to look into.
Rob, I can so relate to this blog. You know that I have my binge moments too. In the past, that was my life. Now I try to keep them to a minimum. Everything that you said...I have been there...maybe on a smaller scale...maybe not.
Some turn to alcohol or drugs or whatever. We turn to food. For everything - happy, sad, mad...
I don't know what the right answer is for you, but for me...it's keeping you guys around. My binges are kept to a minimum, because I try to stay somewhat honest about them here - after a little cajoling at times. You guys kick my ass, and I gain control after a day or 2. The other thing that stops it is pushing myself at the gym...specifically running.
I don't think that I'll ever not have this problem. I would be surprised if we didn't all have this problem actually. This is how we got here in the first place.
Rob-
Something I learned in weight watchers was when you eat something...write down how you're feeling at that time. Like for a week. Happy, sad, anxious, angry, bored...and then look at the times you overindulged or ate just because. It's something I do. I know I eat when I am sad, bored, frustrated, anxious...
It will take a while to break habits of why we do what we do. Food is a comfort. ALways has been for me and my family. Mom is stressed-she cooks. We eat it. Still that way...! I just try to eat less. My mom is trying to make smaller portions of things (its hard though-she always cooked for lots of people) We all just need to change what we do.
You have changed the way you eat, the way your friends eat (most of them) and the way you think. You're on a roll. Don't beat yourself up, just lean on your friends, hang in there and slowly but surely it will start to melt off. You ARE drinking LOTS of water daily, right????
hang in there-and I think this wedding week/weekend will be easier than you think.
Melissa mentioned this in an earlier post. Maybe you have an addictive personality?
Looking through your old blogs, I don't know if you necessarily have an addiction, but I do think you're sliding back into some bad habits. I can feel where you're at, because I've had it happen before. For me, it starts when I make a few bad choices, or go off my plan for a few days. Maybe I miss a workout or two, or go on a vacation. Eventually I look up and realize that I'm eating pizza, mexican food, and hamburgers 3 nights a week, and I'm constantly tired and feel like crap.
Look man, it happens...it's what got us to where we were. We don't like it, but it's our reality.
Knowing that, it might make sense to change your focus a bit. I've noticed that you have had a major focus on scale weight. What other goals do you have for your body besides losing weight?
You've lost 100 lbs, you should be able to do a whole bunch of stuff you weren't able to do before, or are very close to some athletic feats you haven't been able to achieve for a long time. What are those things you've always wanted to do with your body but aren't doing?
If you were training for a boxing match, or trying to run an 8 minute mile, you might start to see food as a fuel rather than something that only helps/hinders your weight loss.
When you change the aim of your fitness plan, you'll stop focusing so much on food and scale weight and bring more balance to the whole equation.
Having all this extra fat isn't the problem, it's a symptom of other underlying problems. That's why you can't just treat the symptoms (losing the fat) but you need to treat the disease (the myriad of underlying problems).
Food is the way you deal with stuff. Depression, stress, anger, you name it. It's like that for a lot of us. It's about coming to terms with that, recognizing it, and finding other ways to deal. Over time, it will (and it has) get better.
Will you still have your weak moments? Sure. The key is to keep it under control.
I find it fascinating that you ate cereal after dinner. Cereal? Cereal isn't even very tasty. Old Billy would have eaten something far more terrible. Like what I ate last night. See my blog. Ugh.
I know this sounds stupid and obvious, but Nicole has a great point. If you can identify your triggers, you might be able to correct it. I think they call this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. How about every time you get a craving for cereal after dinner, just take a walk around the block. Short and sweet, but maybe you would start to crave the walk around the block after dinner??? It's worth a try:)
I myself am a former cereal addict, but I think over the past year, I've convinced myself that it is useless to the body. I still indulge sometimes, but nothing like in the past.
I remember once when Billy was having all kinds of cravings, he decided to ride his bike somewhere, and he ended up at the whole food store and eating something not so bad.
Ok. Like I said...sorry if this was obvious stuff. I know that it's nothing as simple as all this, because I am still dealing with the same issues. Maybe talking about it will help us all.
Nice blog. Glad youre being quite introspective, you cant help but to reach the root problem by looking within. Im proud of you for this step youre taking, its not easy.
The information Im about to post just read and answer them for yourself:
Are You a Compulsive Overeater?
Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive overeater.
1.Do you eat when you're not hungry?
2.Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3.Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4.Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5.Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6.Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7.Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8.Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9.Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive overeating problem. We have found that the way to arrest this progressive disease is to practice the Twelve-Step recovery program of Overeaters Anonymous.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating. We welcome everyone who wants to stop eating compulsively. There are no dues or fees for members; we are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. OA is not affiliated with any public or private organization, political movement, ideology or religious doctrine; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.
Is OA for You?
Only you can decide that question. No one else can make this decision for you. We who are now in OA have found a way of life which enables us to live without the need for excess food. We believe that compulsive overeating is a progressive illness, one that, like alcoholism and some other illnesses, can be arrested. Remember, there is no shame in admitting you have a problem; the most important thing is to do something about it.
Who Belongs to OA?
In Overeaters Anonymous, you'll find members who are extremely overweight, even morbidly obese; moderately overweight; average weight; underweight; still maintaining periodic control over their eating behavior; or totally unable to control their compulsive eating.
OA members experience many different patterns of food behaviors. These "symptoms" are as varied as our membership. Among them are:
obsession with body weight, size and shape
eating binges or grazing
preoccupation with reducing diets
starving
laxative or diuretic abuse
excessive exercise
inducing vomiting after eating
chewing and spitting out food
use of diet pills, shots and other medical interventions to control weight
inability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
fantasies about food
vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
constant preoccupation with food
using food as a reward or comfort
Our symptoms may vary, but we share a common bond: we are powerless over food and our lives are unmanageable. This common problem has led those in OA to seek and find a common solution in the Twelve Steps, the Twelve Traditions and eight tools of Overeaters Anonymous.
http://www.oa.org/is_oa.html
For junkies there's methadone, for smokers theres nicotine patches and even sex addicts have self love...for those in your shoes and judging from that questionaire, possibly myself, their really isn't a quick fix to tie off our urges. What's out there to get the quick fix? One bowl of cerial seems somewhat reasonable...at least its not a pack of Oreos...but what were you looking for? Taste? Fill? Were ya bored? Something bothering you? A lot of the times, if I feel like I'm about to go in for an undeserved second helping, I look to my wife and verbalize it. Whether she knows it her cue or not, she will say "You had enough," "Remember you're trying to lose weight," or my favorite "Dont be such a (insert large mammel here)." For me, it skips past the eatting and gets right to the guilt.
Although, for some it might sound like someone is challenging them, thus causing them to overeat out of spite or do it when alone.
Rob, I think that you are on the right track. Reframing your goals might also be helpful, but more importantly, as Billy & marcol pointed out, dealing with the underlying problems is the issue. Some things to think about are how long you have responded to food that way, how your family of origin dealt with food and its presence, and as nicole said, what are some of the things that trigger you to eat, and what are you doing/feeling/thinking during the times that you are doing well, i.e., not binging.
I definitely agree that the process of losing weight, in and of itself, is a way of bringing food mismanagement under control, but for some people it's not enough. There may be a transfer of addictive behavior (which it doesn't sound like you've experienced), or simply bingeing in a more controlled way. I think you definitely need to pay some serious attention to the idea of food addiction, separately from weight loss, and see where it takes you. Good luck! Remember that you're not alone.
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