First off, I just posted another blog entry - so make sure to read that one and comment, please. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to post this to explain the new title. The "Second Season" wasn't working for me, and as usual, I have to change it up once in a while.
The phrase, "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat" has rang true to me for a while. A few weeks ago at church, our pastor did a sermon on this. He spoke of the disciples, and the story of Jesus walking on water. The disciples were in this boat, and Jesus proved that he could walk on water (paraphrasing to keep this from being a sermon in itself). Peter was one of the disciples, and only he - of all 12 of them in the boat - had the guts to get out of the boat and actually have the FAITH to believe in Jesus, and attempt to walk on water. Because of his faith, he was able to do this - if only for a few seconds. The story goes on, but the point is that Peter relied on his faith and what he knew was right - and tried something that he didn't think was possible, and because he put himself out there, he found that he could do something that he would have never dreamed of.
That story sticks with me, because I relate it to where I am in this weight loss journey. If I'm being completely honest, I'm having a real hard time right now. I'm not mentally strong enough lately to do everything that I know I need to do. I just can't seem to get over this roadblock in my mind - I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own body. I'm not losing weight, and it's because I'm simply not trying enough. But then I try, I don't see the results, and then I get frustrated and then fall back into my own hole of self-pity and regret.
I know that I am sabotaging myself, yet I don't know why.
I've been reading a lot of posts lately about how you guys are succeeding, and the things that you are doing. My biggest issue is the food - and I've yet to be able to control everything in my life when it comes to this. It's a major food addiction, this I know. But I also know that I've tried and SUCCEEDED in the past - I mean, how many times have we heard about the 100 pounds that I've lost?
Food has always been my safe haven. It's what I've known to keep me afloat. There's a joy that I can't even explain when I eat - it's some type of euphoria that I know isn't natural. I sneak snacks when Erin isn't home. I eat a little extra when she is. I justify eating because I've earned, or deserve it. The bottom line is, I feel powerless in a situation that only *I* have the power and control over.
I'm just going to face this weakness head on, and deal with it. I will fight these cravings and realize that this is only a weakness because I choose to let it become on. Just like a smoker who has just been told that they have lung cancer, I have to face what I've been doing to my body and do whatever has to be done to recover from my problem.
I know I've told you guys a million times that "this is the time that I succeed" - and I hope that I mean it this time. But I have to look at it from a different perspective. As many of you said, I have to realize that food is NOT for comfort, but for nutrition. This is going to take a complete change of thought process for me, and I'm not even going to pretend it's easy. I've been able to come as far as I have using food as a crutch in my life. As something more than the fuel that it was intended to be.
I'm going to forus on this new way of thinking, and if that means doing the research, or doing whatever I have to do to learn this new lifestyle, that's what I'm going to do.
Today, I step out of the boat, and try to walk on water.
5 comments:
I think this is the hard stuff that needs to be done - disabling food as a crutch, getting to the bottom of why it has the place in your life that it does (does it start with family functions centering around food, stuff like that?), and I think that as you do that, some of the guilt you feel will lose its grip & you'll be able to move forward full force, rather than with this voice in the back of your head telling you that you're going to fail this time too. It's tough, but you clearly are a resilient, strong, determined man.
wait a minute, I totally thought you were sleeping during that sermon last week at church. :) *wink*
Just keeping you honest... share with the group what you had for dinner today? *wink again*
I like how honest you are being and putting it all out there. I know it's not easy. You know I am going grocery shopping soon, tell me what you want me to buy!
~ekt
Hey Rob - I first want to commend you for being honest not with us but yourself. That alone is liberating and can open you up to boundless possibilities.
I must be truthful with you and say this is not something you can overcome on your own or with the help of just this community. I know you lost 100 lbs and thats wonderful and all but like you said you have a food addiction and as so you need a professionals help. There is a reason you enjoy food. Theres an association you make with food that no one in this group or even you alone can decipher and help you beat. Thats what those professionals are there for.
I hear the frustration in your writing along with the determination. Like Ive said before I dont want the frustration to win out but if you keep trying to go this "alone" with out some professional help your resolve will eventually weaken for good.
Since youre now out of the boat, take a step toward calling a professional, I gurantee you wont regret it.
This issue is bigger than this group, its bigger than willpower, its bigger than timing your meals or doing weekly workouts...I hope you realize this and make a step towards finding out the whys and how to overcome them.
First off, I think that seeing a therapist or some sort of overeating group is IMPERATIVE at this point. Make it a priority. It's obvious that you're having some deep seated issues that you need serious help in overcoming.
That being said, in the short term, have you taken a look at that eat-stop-eat stuff I sent you? If it's not for you, believe me, I understand. But it seems to me you're the type of person who has "bursts" of motivation, followed by slip-ups. If you used those bursts to do, say 1 or 2 24 hour fasts per week, you could still have some slip-ups without blowing everything.
Just something to think about. Again, I know it isn't for everyone, but it's something to consider.
Tuck,
What you just said was the absolute truth. You DO have a problem ARE the only one who can fix it. Talking about it will get you nowhere though. Time to put words into action bro, and get this thing moving forward
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