Caught In A Cycle

266 Pounds - 10 Years Ago

A few cool things have happened since the last time I posted - first off, my new cover page has really tried to light a fire underneath me. I've never really liked a picture of myself that I've seen in a long, long time. In fact, I was going through old pictures today and found one that really reminded me about how far BACKWARD I've gone in the past decade. It was kind of depressing - but really something that showed me that I need to make a change before my heart explodes.

The second thing was that the RunJunkees shared my picture and a link to my weight loss blog, so that means there are over 65 more of you reading this one than the last ones, and you are all runners, walkers, movers and are doing incredible things. That really moves me that so many of you have decided to follow me as a complete stranger, and I hope that I don't let you down.

So, since my race, I have really been trying so soul search, and I think I'm coming up with a few basic, common sense problems that I have. Some of this is going to be pretty blunt, but if you know me, that won't be a surprise to you. So, here we go.

1: My eating habits are crap. I simply don't know how to eat healthy anymore. When I try to, I'm starving all of the time, all I think about is food, and then I'm going back into my food addiction phase where I eat everything that I can, get sick, and then have regret and pity on myself. I've tried to do zero carb, I've tried to count calories, and everything in between. The honest truth is, I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Couple with that the fact that we're struggling pretty tight financially, and it limits what I can and should be doing with eating. I don't plan things - I just eat what's in the fridge, and then I regret it. If any of you have advice for easy stuff to eat, simple things to prepare, those types of things - what are you doing on a normal day? I'm sure I'll get a ton of stuff that conflicts, but I want to hear what works for me, and maybe I can integrate some of it into my own life.

2: I don't exercise enough. This is my monthly schedule - a race is coming up, and I stress it out. I doubt myself and I know that I can't do it. The race comes up, and I about kill myself to finish, but once I do, I get a ton of positive feedback - just like this last race - people telling me how awesome and inspiring I am. And then I get motivated. And then I start to go to the gym - like yesterday, I did 1.8 miles running non-stop on the Eliptical, 30 minutes straight. Sweat like a politician in church. I felt good about myself. But then today, I had all intentions on going again, but instead, I sat at my desk working (home office), and then got away from that, did some laundry, and then sat in my chair. I ate 6 eggs and six pieces of butter break, and then felt sick. Then, four hours later, I ate an entire package of graham crackers. Why? Because I haven't had a craving for them in forever - hell, I didn't even know they were in the cabinet. But when I found them, I destroyed them like a praying mantis does to her husband's head.

I know some of my issues - I'm trying to do this alone. I go to the gym alone, and do my 30 minutes. Then I talk myself out of it the next day. And then the next day becomes 3-4 weeks, and then I'm facing my next race, and then going back to the beginning - weighing more than I did before the last race, hurting more to finish, and then getting more positive feedback.. and my cycle continues.

I'm posting a picture - one of me 10 years ago when I weighed 266 as opposed to the 450 I do now. You know what I look like now - put it up against the 266 pounder. It's a totally different person. Heck, it's 25 pounds from being HALF of what I am now.

I'm losing my life, one day at a time. I'm stuck. I need out of it. Any advice? Help? Prayer?