Clean Mind, Clean Body

I've been thinking a lot lately about what 2017 is going to look like for me, and I've been trying to compare it to what I've done RIGHT in 2016, and what I've done WRONG in 2016.

I've been pretty hard on myself when it comes to what I've done wrong - running 12 races but gaining weight, not taking my weight serious except for one day every month in order to finish the race, etc... but there's been good points. I've gotten up and DONE those races. I haven't been consistent on much this year, but I paid those fees, got up on those mornings (and few nights - night runs suck, btw), and put my feet on the road.

I've done some right.

But there's some bad habits that I want to fix. Things I want to shift when it comes to my overall life. Some things that I've been realizing lately have been pushing me down the wrong worm holes.

For instance, one thing I'm going to start doing is focusing my Facebook time away from politics (which you all know I LOVE), and focusing more on pages that are about healthy eating, healthy lifestyles and the like. If I spend more of my screen time being more POSITIVE, I'm guessing that will spread into my day to day operations.

I want to start spending more time on this blog - I haven't really done a good job of it. I haven't shown consistency, and it's shown. If I don't pay attention to my weight except for that one day a month where my back is coming unglued because I'm too heavy to be walking miles, then it's not going to come off.

So, one of the things I'm going to do this year is read inspiring stories, get fresh ideas, try new things all of the time, and try to stay away from the poison of politics.

No, I'm not going to NEVER know what's going on in the world, but I've already left 2 major FB groups that were polluting my brain and getting me angry over politics, and I will continue to clear the timeline until what I'm seeing is uplifting.

Much more later - and I'm hoping I'm more committed to this blog.

I'll probably start doing multiple posts a day, and trying to keep them from being SO long. I've got another 2-3 topics I want to talk about, but I'm going to hit the publish button before this becomes one of those long ones. More soon :)

Twice the Man I was 10 Years Ago

I've been debating about 100 different things the past few days about my goals, my walking, trying run, etc. I've been going through my old blogs (go to http://icanseemytoes.blogspot.com and look up my blogs from 2007. Healthiest year of my life was the year I turned 30).

I was flipping through and found this link:

http://results.active.com/…/d…/searchable-results/rob-tucker

This was the result page from the Turkey Trot I did back when I was 30 years old. I don't even remember running a 31:29 for a 5K. I'm literally double that 10 years later).

I think this was the thing that I needed to see in order to motivate myself to get better. I've BEEN there before, and frankly, it wasn't all that long ago.

Then I found this blog:

http://icanseemytoes.blogspot.com/2007_08_01_archive.html

And this picture I've attached is what I looked like. I'm almost TWICE the man today as I was back then.

I can't believe how dedicated I was. Perfect eating choices. Working out because I WANTED to and not because I HAD to. And I was running a few health and weight loss groups - we were hosting challenges, losing weight as a team and I was MAKING a difference in not only MY life, but the lives of others.

So, what makes me different today than who I was back then?

1: I didn't have kids.
2: I had a lot more free time.
3: I had a lot more money (see: #1)

I have to be smarter with my time, that's clear. But I can do this.

Starting now.

My First Failure of 2016

I wrote this post a few days after I ran my first 5k of 2016 - and I couldn't finish. I can remember how much pain I was going through and how much of a failure I felt like.

This was my first race of what I promised myself would be 12 races in a year. This picture brings it all right back to me, two days before I go attempt to finish my last of these 12 races.

The Chilly 5K was January 1st, 2016 - this is the picture I've got to show for it. Coincidentally, the Chilly 5K for 2017 is on New Year's Eve, so I chose to do the rematch for my final December race.

I'll have a lot more to say after this race, whether I finish or not, but I want something meaningful to come out of this. In the original post I talked about being 462 pounds. I'm right about there now - I haven't lost anything in the 12 months of doing this.

I chalk that up to knowing that if you only commit yourself to hard work once a month, and you spend the other 4 weeks resting on your laurels and doing nothing to make this not just a race, but a LIFESTYLE change, you will end up in the place that you started. And I literally have done that. In two days, I will be able to say that I've done TWELVE 5K's (one of which was a 4 milers) in TWELVE MONTHS.. yet here I am, at the same weight.

That's bittersweet - it tells me a few things.

One - I haven't done what I should have done. I didn't fully dive in to a new lifestyle. I didn't convince myself that my health was more important to me than my addictive eating behaviors. And my body is paying for that - this is what must change in 2017.

But it also tells me this - I CAN do what I set out to do if it's important enough to me. I have become this strange fixture in the Joplin racing community - forever last place, but people who run in Joplin know me. To them, I'm the inspirational guy who doesn't give up. I'm the one that they all wait at the end of the race to cheer into the finish line.

I'm one of them.

I have so many things hanging over my head right now that I have to resolve in 2017 that I'm afraid to make promises about doing more races, more times, better times, etc. But I know a few things.

1: I love this racing community and the unconditional support they give to an out of shape, last-place making walker who comes to their events.

2: There's something inside of me that is DYING to get out. Each one of these races meant something to me - meeting someone (like I did crossing the finish line with Chris Carlson this summer in Branson), or having others come there to rescue me and just walk with me (like Gabe Allen and others have done for me). There is potential that I have yet to release, and I want to find out what it is. I want to be a runner - not just a guy who does it halfway once a month and barely makes it out alive.

3: I need more focused, self-driven goals for 2017. Maybe it's amping up races and connecting weight loss to it. Maybe it's a full commitment to a workout program, walking program, eating program, whatever. I've got a doc's appointment on January 10th to get many of my personal health issues taken care of - from testosterone levels being WAY too low to other chemicals in my body preventing me from doing what I'm supposed to be doing. My meeting with a specialist on the 10th will tell me a lot of what I should expect moving forward.

So, as I sneak into 2017, I look at this picture. The slow, defeated Rob. The one who couldn't get to the end of the race. The one who failed.

Also, the one who never gave up and has a wall of medals and racing bibs, along with a ton of new friends in the racing community to show for it.

I don't know what 2017 will look like yet - but I know that I will be able to look in the mirror and know that the guy looking back accomplished a goal in 2016 and wants more for himself. Who is with me?

Originally Posted on January 10th, 2016 -

This post is 10 days in the making. I've written this blog post about 40 times in my head over the last 10 days, but I wanted to make it count. I'm not sure how long or short this is going to be, but I know this is going to be important - at least to me. So, here we go.

I have committed to doing a 5k walk/race every month for the year of 2016. I've done about 4-5 of these in the pasts 5 years or so, so I'm pretty confident that I can do this. However, there are risks and some serious flaws in my life and mentality that is going to make this difficult.

First off - I'm up to 462 pounds. I keep gaining weight, and I'm not sure how this is happening. I mean - I eat. And I don't move. So, really shouldn't be surprised. But I don't get it. That number - to me - is just an insurmountable number that means I might as well just lock myself in a closet and wait to die. It's depressing. It's overwhelming. And frankly, if it wasn't for my commitment to my children and my wife, I would have given up, gone towards disability and a life of self pity.

But, I can't do that. I don't have very much pride and self confidence left, if I'm being VERY honest with myself. But if there's one thing that holds me together is that while I know the rest of the world views me as this giant - and I mean GIANT loser who has failed at as many jobs as he can count on his two hands in the past 10 years, and an in the meantime has gone from a super healthy 266 pounds to adding 200 pounds to my frame in the time that my wife has married me. I mean, that's not fair to her. She didn't sign up for that. She didn't think that just 7 years after she married a healthy, confident, strong man to help raise her children, she would be having to accommodate for my shortcomings as a man, and as a husband.

That may sound harsh - and even as I type this I cringe, but I have to face the truth. A friend of mine - more of a mentor, told me a while ago that the only thing that is going to get me to move forward and truly face my fate is when the hurt is too much to NOT do something about it.

So, enough of the wallowing for a moment. Onto my first race - this January 1st - the Chilly 5k Run in Joplin.

I signed up a few days before the race. I hadn't trained or prepared in any way, but I've done this before. No training, no preparation, and I've about killed myself, but I've always finished the race. It was usually stimulate a bit of pride that I could carry forward. I mean, this was the first of many races of the year, right? Piece of cake.

Then something happened.

The race starts, and I head up the first hill. This wasn't a mountain, but it certainly wasn't a airplane landing strip. The first .8 mile was one steady uphill climb. So, up I go. About 2/3 the way through it, I'm about dead. I'm not running or even pretending to jog. I'm fighting through the INSANE back pain that I faced when my sciatic nerve decided to explode on me. Nevermind that, all I can think of is two things - I have to finish this race so my wife and 5 kids (all of which are somewhere here on the race course cheering me one) can see me do this, and I had to get to the top of the big hill where the water stop was. Not that I needed water - my breathing and legs were fine - but that is where my Red Sea family was, and I knew that if I could get to them, they could cheer me all the way back down and to the finish.

The next half mile I was literally holding onto each car that I passed, hunched over and trying to stretch my back out. Ever single car. There's probably still some guy on St. John's street badmouthing "that guy who put his fat hands all over my truck".

So, I'm walking. Barely. Easily minutes behind the second to last person, with the pace car about 10 feet on my heels, watching my pain. I finally pass my wife and kids - they see the pain on my face, but they cheer me on like the awesome family that they are. That was about 1.1 miles into my 3 miles.

Another hill - and about 5 blocks in front of me is the water station - my Red Sea family. I make it another block ... just 4 blocks left, and that's when I about fell to my knees in tears. I couldn't stand it anymore. I've never been in so much pain with my back, and that's when I waved it off. I had to tell the guy pacing me that I was done, and I needed a ride back.

The guys in the car were super supportive. We continued - I couldn't have been more embarrassed than when I was sitting in the passenger seat, my Red Sea visor hiding my face, slowly driving past the water stop where my Red Sea family was there, seeing me in the car, a total failure.

Long story made short, that made the end of my day. That was my first DNF (Did Not Finish), and as I got out of the pace car one block before the finish line to say that I made it through, there was no pride. Only the biggest feeling of failure I've ever had in my life.

And it wasn't JUST because I didn't finish. I mean - that was a huge part of it. But, I had just let my wife and my five year old down. The teenagers get it. I'm fat and out of shape. I don't have to convince them otherwise. But .. it killed me. Absolutely put me into tears - to see my five year old concerned about me. This five year old boy sees me as a super hero. He's the one that sees no wrong in me. And I showed him what defeat looks like.

And if you've actually read this far - I know what you're thinking. "At least you got out there when so many people don't even try". "You did your best, and you can only get better from here!". I've heard it all the past week, and the truth is, I love every single one of you for saying it.

But when I look in the mirror, I know what happened.

But there's a shining light at the end of this pity parade.

I didn't commit to one race. I committed to 12. And that means, unless I feel like being a total failure for the next 12 months, I have some work to do.

I never thought just 'finishing' a 5k was something I had to work for. It was something I just 'did'. I took finishing for granted, and I can promise you that I will never... EVER do that again. And I am going to prepare for this. I've only got about 5 weeks until my next race - the Polar Run in Neosho on February 27th. I haven't registered yet (pay checks are a funny thing), but that's my target. And I will prepare. And I will finish. And I will understand what a HUGE deal this is.

So, I failed in January. My story right now isn't a great one. I'm pretty embarrassed and demoralized about it. There's no one to blame for my situation but myself.

But the cool part?

Imagine how sweet the comeback is going to be.

What Needs To Happen

I've been thinking about what to write in this blog for the past month - and now, at 11:40pm on Christmas Eve, I still don't know what I want to say. So, here it goes.

In a week, I'll finish my final 12th 5k race of 2016. When I made this resolution a year ago, I have to be honest - I had no idea if I could do it. It was this fly-by-night, typical Rob type of thing. Make a promise to yourself, not sure how to keep it, but just say it anyway.

But somehow... 12 months later, I kept that promise to myself.

First time in my adult life that I can say I've done that.

And you know - here's the crazy part. I feel like I should be proud of this accomplishment. I mean, on paper - it's a really big deal for a guy my size. A 450 pound guy.... doing a 5K, every single month for a WHOLE YEAR.

But that's the rub.

I'm still a 450 pound guy.

I didn't picture it like this. I thought if I could get 12 5k's in, I'd lose a bunch of weight. I'd be super healthy and at this point I'd have this amazing blog about how this has changed my life, I'm super healthy and I have the running to thank for it.

But I'm larger now than I was when I failed my first race on January 1st. And not by like 5 pounds - by like... 50.

So what did I do wrong?

I got up once a month, went out and did my race, and busted my butt. I'd hurt for days, struggle to walk, and during the race I'd talk to myself about how I need to lose a bunch of weight, do better and do all these great things.

And then for the next 29 days, I'd do absolutely nothing do produce results. I'd eat like crap. I'd sit on my butt. I'd do... nothing. And then 29 days later, I'd go do my race, get the love and adoration from this incredible racing community that exists in Joplin, I'd collect my medal and feel good about myself. And then nothing changes.

If I've done anything good in the past 12 months, it's that I kept my word to myself for the first time in my life. So, I know I can do that.

So, the real question is ... what does 2017 look like? What can I do that will TRULY make a difference in my life? What will take this 450 pound body and shrink it to something healthy? Something that I can crawl around on the ground with my kids? Something that I can actually RUN those 5k's? Something that will truly make my life, my relationships and my marriage better?

I've been reading this Eating Healthy magazine that my mom got me - God bless this woman, she's never been one to beat around the bush. I'm seeing recipes. I'm seeing people making changes. And I'm sitting here wondering how I can TOTALLY NOT see this being me.

This is what I need to do:

Plan meals.
Get healthy eating down.
Better eating habits.

Let's get to the point. If I can consistently pay $30-35 bucks to collect.a racing T-shirt and a medal and absolutely DESTROY my body while doing it, I can do better for the temple that God gave me.

No proclamations of WHAT I'm going to do yet. But this is where my heart and mind are this week. Be in thoughtful prayer for me this week, because whatever I research and decide to do, that will be my '12 5ks in 12 months' challenge for 2017. I will need to be consistent with myself and do it for 12 months.

Merry Christmas everyone. I'll be in touch. Thanks for supporting me for another rocky year.