Eight Days, Five 5ks!

I ran/walked my third 5k during training last night.

I feel pretty good about the progress that I've made - my three times in the past eight days are as follows:

Last Wednesday: 3.12 miles - 56:09 (hilly trail)
Sunday Morning: 3.12 miles - 51:52  (gravel track)
Last night:  3.12 miles - 50:10 (hilly trail)

I'm seeing a lot of improvements, and I do feel a bit stronger.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still running maybe half, but probably about 2/5 of it, and walking the rest.  My breathing is way out of control and I feel dead to the world when I'm done, but as I blogged about yesterday, I'm better than I was, and I'm getting better.

I stepped on the scale again this morning, and saw 398.  That's down from 400.  I've been fluctuating a lot lately, and I know that has to do with the food I'm eating.   I work at the daycare, and I tend to eat what they're eating.  So, if they have cookies for snack, so do I.  If they have cheese biscuits (and I'm telling you, these are TASTY biscuits), then I have cheese biscuits.

I need to try to focus on the eating, but when I do, I get obsessive.  And not the good "look how strict I am" - but the "man, after I eat this, what do I get to eat NEXT?" obsessive.  As I wrote about yesterday, I'm fighting a food addiction.  I know it sounds easy to say "go grab some almonds" - because I do.  And I eat them all.  And then I'm off to my next edible conquest.

In our Run for God meeting, we discussed common weight loss mistakes.  They listed the following:

1. Unrealistic Expectations
2. Depriving Yourself
3. Using Food as Reward
4. Skipping Meals
5. Drinking Too Many Calories
6. Overestimating Your Calories Burned
7. Not Readjusting Calorie Needs as Weight Changes

I think I can fit myself into each one of those categories (except #7 since the weight isn't leaving yet).  I'm running short of time because I want to hit the store and get HEALTHY food instead of settling for what the kids eat today, but I think in my next few blogs I will be addressing those 7 issues.

What are your thoughts on these?  Contributions wanted!

Also, I'm going to create a "Weight Loss Friends" and "Friends Blogs" category on this page very soon.  If you want me to link to a blog, webpage or facebook page/group that you run or are a part of in exchange for you doing the same for me on your site, let me know.   As I've said, the more traffic, the more I feel accountable.  Thanks for considering it!

Brutal Honesty Time

I've spent the past few days going through my old weight loss blog.  Back in November of 2006, I started off on a weight loss voyage that I had no idea would still be going here in 2014.  In fact, I can say that I've lost 80 pounds in 6 months.  I can say that I've lost 120 pounds in 9 months.  I can say that I was diligent in the gym, focusing on my health, and blogging daily for years.

Yet, here I am, 25 or so pounds heavier today at age 37 than I was when I started this blog 8 years ago.

I have started different blogs about weight, both on blogger and most recently on Facebook.  I've talked a good game, and frankly, I think I've had some pretty good insights about what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.  As I go through my blog (especially in 2007 and 2008), I had some things figured out.  I was doing great, inspiring others along the way.

So, what happened?

I never had my priorities in order.

I've read a lot of my old blogs lately.  This is where I get blunt.

I was divorced in 2008.  In the years before that, it was a matter of me not wanting to be at home, so I found myself buried in the gym.  I didn't have kids.  I had a good income.  I had the wrong motivations for doing things.  Frankly, I never really learned how to eat right and love the foods that are good for you.  My hard work through exercise overcame my inability to eat healthy.  As I read through these old blogs, the one thing I never worked on was my food addiction, and I believe that this led to my ultimate downfall - gaining all the weight back.

After my divorce, I had an entirely new life.  Now, this isn't to bash my ex - but I'm sure she would agree that after that event, both of our lives got much better.  We found other people who respect more that we respected each other, and the courses of life took us in different directions.  Lessons learned, if you will.

That being said, for me - it was the best thing I could have ever done.  I had met my wife, and was blessed to meet her nine, eight and six year olds.  At the time, I had no idea that I would love them as my own, and be blessed to have this little pre-made family waiting for me.  Then, when Elijah and Olivia came around, it was the seven of us.  I've been blessed, and I've been blessed good.

But schedules changed.  Instead of being just "Rob", I became "Dad".  TOTAL upgrade, but I started to think about others more than myself.  In fact, not only did I take my own health concerns and put them on the back burner, I allowed myself to take them completely off the stove.

The weight came back.  I found my old "low weight", and in 2007 I got down to 266.6 pounds.  I stepped on the scale a few days ago and it read 402.6.   I am no mathematician, but my Android calculator tells me that I have gained 136 pounds since that day.

I feel like I've let myself down.  But it's bigger than that.  My wife won't admit it, but I've also let her and the kids down. She married a confident, healthy guy who would carry the family on his shoulders and be someone that she could be proud of.  Today, she has a guy whose confidence is shaky at best, and I'm a fraction of the healthy guy that she married.  Sometimes I forget that while I don't like what I see in the mirror, my wife and kids see this too.  I see pictures of me - especially side views - and I cringe.  I see a weak, grossly obese guy who has let a food obsession overcome him.

Let's be blunt again - if I see a giant guy at Walmart, huge belly and hunched over, obviously hundreds of pounds overweight, the first thing I think is "how did he let himself get that way?  What is his deal?.  I've thought that of guys in the past.  I know you're not supposed to judge, and I know it's taboo, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.  I mean - "look at that guy, he's enormous.  He's killing himself.  Stop with the cheeseburgers already, man."

I did that once, and then a voice rang out in my head.

"Dude, you're bigger than him.  Who are you to judge?"

Fast forward to 2014.

I'm in a completely different place.  I struggle with weight loss, and especially serving sizes.  I don't plan my foods and tend to dive into full meals with the family.

I am having a hard time finding full time employment, and have been passed over for jobs that I know I was qualified for - and I  know for a fact that a few of them were because I am overweight and would not represent the company as an outside salesman very well.  I can put a suit and tie on, and I still don't have the 'professional' appearance (aka: attractive 25 year old female) that many companies want out of their salespeople.

I don't have the energy to do the hard labor stuff.  I can't climb a tree to do landscaping work, I can't safely crawl under a house to check out a leak in my own home.    I've limited myself to what I can do because of my weight.

A lot of what I've said seems like I'm bashing myself, but I don't mean to.  But, I think it's important that I am very - and I mean VERY - realistic about the position that my food addiction has put me into.

So, let me point out the stuff that I have that is positive.

I have a wife who loves me regardless of any of the mistakes I've made over the past 5 years of marriage.

I have five kids who love me unconditionally.

I have a church family and a God who love me, and have always been there for me.

I have purpose in life.  My family relies on me, and I have a purpose in the church.  I work with kids that need me, I have friends that have a true interest in me, and I have a God who has pulled me out of every single one of these complete messes that I have put myself in.

I'm not where I thought I was going to be.

The good news is, I'm not dead.  I know who I am and what my challenges are.

I can't run a 5k in 31 minutes like I used to.  But, I can run one in 51, and I can better myself.

I can't step on a scale and have it read 266 anymore.  But, I can step on one, and I can better myself.

I don't look in the mirror and like what I see.  But, I can still look into one, and I can better myself.

So, if you see me, keep me accountable.  If you only read this blog, leave a message to keep me accountable.

I will improve.  I have been making small steps, but not every one has been in the right direction.

I will be Running For God tonight at 6:30 - my goal is to complete a 5k tonight.  Not in 59 minutes like my first one, or 51 minutes like my second one.  Not 31 minutes like I did back in 2007.  But, I will finish.

And then I'll wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror.  I will not be proud of what I see.

But it will be better than today, and I'm ok with that.

New Blog, New Life

This will be real quick, but I've started a new blog - invite only.

I'm back to do the weight loss thing finally- and I'm hoping that some of you have stuck with me.

Shoot me an email at robtucker430@yahoo.com with your email address and I'll invite you to the blog. Thanks!

Alive

Ok, folks. Just wanted to post something so you know I'm alive. I know I haven't posted and there's a ton to talk about, but unfortunately none of it is in the weight loss arena. I'm in the 'just don't lose as much ground as possible' stage - straightening out a lot of issues of my life and the weight loss thing is on the back burner. I'm trying to not eat as bad as I have been lately, so I'm trying to lure that back in. I'm doing OK - I can do better but it's ok for now.

Also, work is absolutely killing me. So many long nights, weekends, you name it. But I'm surviving. I'm ok - I'm loving what I'm doing and in a crazy way, it's something I was meant to do. But it's absolutely crazy.

I'm living in a new place, I'm meeting new people, I'm learning new things through the school, and my daily schedule is completely opposite of what it used to be - it's so unorganized, and the next day is nothing like the day before it. I love it though, but as time goes on with all these changes I'm trying to create a routine - that's what saved me last time, knowing that I'm going to work at a certain time, school at a certain time, the gym at a certain time, eating at certain times - but now, it's a matter of getting through each day.

I did buy myself a lunch box and an icebox thing and am going to start making my lunches every day. It's so much cheaper, and so much better. Regulate the things you can, right?

Things are good - they're not IDEAL, but they're great for where I am in my life right now. We are going through the divorce process and Erin has been really good about it. We've done what we've had to do to make this as decent and as respectful as possible. We didn't work at a married couple, but I can tell you that through this process she's a great person and will make a great girlfriend/wife for someone else down the road.

Ok, no more time for now, gotta run. Just wanted to let you guys know I haven't fallen off the side of the earth. I used to spend 12-14 hours a day on a computer, and now if I see one every few days it's a gift. Catch you soon - leave me lots of comments so I know you haven't forgotten who I am ;)

Out there

It's 2:15am and I can't sleep - I'm going to pay for this come 6am when the alarm goes off.

Not much has changed here - things are still crazy hectic and I've been feeling down lately. I mean, there's some great things going on in my life right now, but everything is different. My schedule, my planning, my meals, everything - I feel as if I'm living on a shoestring, just living day to day. It's hard to explain, but all structure has disappeared from my life. I used to have this whole routing - wake up, gym, work, school, home, take care of business, have dinner, hang out watching TV and go to bed. A pattern. A routine.

Nothing though, now. I'm TRYING to eat right, but it's not working. I've been as unmotivated as you can imagine, and nothing seems to make me want to be different. I mean - I KNOW what I'm doing to myself. I have a choice of rising about and achieving new things and falling into my own self pity, and yet I've chosen the second one.

I'll figure this out, but this one is going to need time. As I said, there's some great things going on in my life - mostly school related. In fact, you should all turn on the Today Show (you know, the national AM tv show) Thursday morning. I'm not sure what time during the program this will be, but we (my band) has been invited to perform on the Today Show at Campus Martius Park here in Detroit. I'm not sure how it's going to work but we're going to be downtown at 5:15am on Thursday and performing for the Today Show, so set those DVRs.

Anyway, the weight loss thing is in trouble. I'm not done, and I certainly haven't failed, but it's been tough. Going to cut this short - I've got to be up in 3 1/2 hours. I can't sleep at all, I've tried about 4 times tonight. Hang in there with me.

Lost

I thought I should update you all on what's been going on in my life and why I've been missing from blogsville for the past few weeks.

I am getting a divorce from my wife.

It's hard to type, and even harder to realize. Erin and I had a great run - we met on new year's eve back in 2000-2001, dated for five years and were married for three. I don't want to get into the details - there's quite a bit that I'm not proud of - and I don't want to turn this into anything negative, as there's already so much of that. I refuse to say a bad thing about her and hope that it can be the same way. She's a great person, and we were great friends - but the marriage didn't work. I'll leave it at that and will delete all comments that slam her, me or the marriage.

That being said, I hope that helps to explain where I've been.

I feel lost. I don't have my goals straight or my life planned out anymore. I'm working at the high school full time - probably 12-14 hour days on the slow days, and some nights I don't get home until 11pm-12am because of a band event. That's good though, because it keeps me distracted. It keeps me focused on something so I don't have a lot of time to worry about things. And the best news to come out of it is, I'm a pretty damned good band director. I've found my passion and this is something that I truly know that I was put on this earth to do. I've found a drive to not only teach music - but to teach students to reach beyond what they thought was possible by setting challenges in front of them and just being amazed when they overachieve. Teaching is something that has always been in my blood - and being able to realize this dream is something that I have been needing to do for years.

So my life is the most extreme ups and downs that it could possibly be. I'm going through divorce - and have no job. I quit my $60k+/year job working 30 hours a week at the newspaper so I could student teach - for free, and in fact, I paid $2500 in tuition to do it. My stability is gone, my faith is weakened, and I'm holding onto everything that I can to keep my entire world as I know it together. I spent quite a bit of time with my in laws, my church, my friends - and essentially it all disappeared.

Weight loss has been a struggle lately, as you can imagine. It's in my mind - I *NEED* to start eating right. I'm living on my brother's couch, and just not in the right mind frame to eat healthy and work out. I haven't seen the gym in almost a month. I've been eating out most meals because I don't want to bother my brother by preparing food in his house - I know that sounds stupid and he'd kick me if I said that, but I don't want to impose on him.

I have no idea what my weight is - my brother doesn't have a scale and mine is still at my house. I know I'm losing control, and every day I wake up saying that today is going to be the day that I get my head back on and regain control of my life, yet I slip into shitty eating and not working out every single day. Now, I'm on my feet for at least 12-14 hours a day, so the gym isn't *AS* detrimental as the eating, but it's still a factor.

My motivation has been gone lately. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a free pass. The bottom line is, I'm in a major rut and just don't know how to get out of it. New opportunities in my life are popping up now, and I'm not strong enough to force myself to the gym and to eat right, right now. But I need to.

This is the time of my life where I need to stand up and make a decision - am I going to regain all of this weight because of the struggles in my life that I am facing, or do I pull myself up out of the quicksand and fight?

It's so much easier to say than do. Just hang in there with me - if I don't post, it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't see a computer for days sometimes. I'm around, but I'm fighting the battles right now.

I haven't failed. For whoever said I did, you're mistaken. Thanks anyway, though.

First Steps

Weigh In: 291

Right back to where I started. Tom and I have this challenge going on to see who can lose the most weight in a month, and I'm currently at zero. More on that later, though. We've got until Labor Day.

Today is a major day for me. Last Friday I quit my job at the newspaper after 8 years, and today I start the first day of Marching Band Camp with Martin Luther King HS in Detroit. This is the band that went to China to perform at the Olympics. This is the band that is pretty much the face of the city of Detroit. This band is everything that is right with the city of Detroit. HUGE program.

Marching band camp is 8am-6pm Monday-Friday this week. I'll be there at 7:30. I'll be on the field marching and keeping up with these high schoolers all week. I've committed to 100% eating this week. I've been using this week as my reason (read: excuse) for eating poorly lately, that I'll just "start" when I'll be at camp. So here it is.

I'll be takling more about this band as I go - I'm considering creating an entire secondary blog about them. This is what I've been looking forward to doing since literally 1994 when I started my college career. I've taken quite a few steps - some in the right, some in the wrong direction, but I'm finally here.

More later - but I needed to put my numbers out there to keep myself accountable. I'm not proud of myself lately - in fact, I feel a lot today like I did the first time I wrote a blog here - unaccountable, embarrassed, feeling pretty down about myself and my lack of control.. but I know I've pulled myself from the ashes before, and it's time for me to do it again. I need to find pride in myself again, and I think that it starts with being a part of this marching band.

They are, after all, Crusaders. Wish me luck.