Skinny Chicken or Fat Egg?

Weigh In: 270.25 (new low!)
Five Day Average: 272.85 (new low!)
Calories Counted: 1586 (I think?)

So yeah - Salad Day went great at work. I brought in a 3 bean blend (garbanzo, kidney and black beans) , tuna and beets, and we had some pretty solid salads. Different healthy dressings, chicken strips, bunches of veggies - I was pretty impressed. A victory for the workplace.

In other news, I've been trying to figure out this point in my transformation, and I think that I've been feeling "lost" lately and I've been trying to figure out why. I think that I've moved away from being the "fat" fat guy, and over the past year I've moved towards the "skinny" fat guy. Like, the small fish in the big pond, weight wise.

Now, I feel like I'm the big fish in the small pond - the fattest "skinny" guy out there. It's kind of hard to explain, so I'll just give it a try and see what happens.

For the longest time when I was over 300 and beyond, I looked at myself as this guy who was overweight and really didn't know what it was to have fitness goals. I had the 'fat guy' lifestyle. I was the fat guy, and I was content with it. I didn't care about my weight - and I knew I was out of control but I felt like there was no way to get it back.

As time moved on, I gained steam. Somewhere along the line - and I'm not sure where - I crossed a major milestone. Part of me thinks it was when I got into the 200's, but I'm not sure. At some point, I started caring about my body in terms of looks. My original goal at the begnning was to 'lose enough weight to not die when I was 35". Seriously, that's all I wanted. I picked "100 pounds" back in November (which would be 250) and thought that if I got down to that, my problems would be over. Never ONCE did I think I could actually achieve that.

Anyway, back to where I was gaining steam.

Today I wore my new size 40 jeans (used to be 48s) and this XL t-shirt with these tight ass sleeves. This is the picture above. And perhaps this isn't the most modest thing I've ever said - but I really like this shirt - it shows off the guns big time. I felt proud in it. But, I also was insecure as hell, because as an XL, it isn't as forgiving in the gut - where I really know I need a ton of work.

The point is, I started looking at myself like someone who needs to make SPECIFIC improvements to be happy with my looks. Not just happy that I'm losing weight - but happy with my body and how it looks. Big biceps, built lats and shoulders and a strong chest. Bulging triceps, calves of steel, tight abs. I've NEVER, EVER thought about these things until recently.

But I'm thinking about that now. These are some of the things that are evolving in me.

So that's where I consider myself a 'skinny' person who is on the extreme fat edge. As I said already - I used to be the fat guy - even among the fat. On Biggest Loser, I would have been that guy with the "most to lose". Now, I wouldn't even fit on that show, it wouldn't make sense.

My outlook has changed - it's evolved. There can actually be a light at the end of the tunnel. I've done enough to move myself from "fat with no chance of living" to "if I keep working hard, I could really be a good looking guy". I mean, when I look at those pictures from over a year ago - I don't even know who that guy is anymore.

Hell, just look at my eating. Want a day's menu from this time last year? I remember it like it was yesterday.

Breastfast #1 - 2 bowls of cereal, whatever is there (about 800 calories)
Breakfast #2 (on the way to work) - 2 breakfast burritos, 3 McGriddles (2340 calories)
Lunch - (while at work) - Taco Bell - 3 cheese quesadillas, 2 grilled stuffed burritos (2910 calories)
Dinner #1 - (on the way home from work) - 4 double cheeseburgers (1840 calories)
Dinner #2 - Whatever healthy dinner Erin made (probably 800)
Total: 8690 calories in ONE day.

You know, I've never once did that math until now. I never really thought to - and to think that in all seriousness, I had something along those lines most days of the week. That puts me around 60,000 calories a week - with little exercise. I mean sure, I was "going to the gym", but there were so many days where I told Erin I would go to the gym, and then I'd pull into the Taco Bell parking lot, order the above, and eat it in the parking lot, and then go home as if I was in the gym. If that's not a visit to the confessional, I don't know what is. I mean, the fact of the matter is that I had some major, major issues - eating disorder, lazy, a complete disrespect for myself - whatever it was, I needed help and had no clue on how to find it.

It's just insane. And the reason I talk about this now is to show that I'm no longer the "fat guy" who THINKS he wants to be thin.

I'm the fattest skinny guy that you've ever met - but now I know what I'm doing, I know how to get there, and I WILL get there. It's not a matter of destroying bad habits anymore - I've done that, and I've won that battle.

Now, I am improving myself. Strong mind, strong body.

And next summer, I don't think I'll wear a shirt for months, because I'm not going to need one.