It's 2:15am and I can't sleep - I'm going to pay for this come 6am when the alarm goes off.
Not much has changed here - things are still crazy hectic and I've been feeling down lately. I mean, there's some great things going on in my life right now, but everything is different. My schedule, my planning, my meals, everything - I feel as if I'm living on a shoestring, just living day to day. It's hard to explain, but all structure has disappeared from my life. I used to have this whole routing - wake up, gym, work, school, home, take care of business, have dinner, hang out watching TV and go to bed. A pattern. A routine.
Nothing though, now. I'm TRYING to eat right, but it's not working. I've been as unmotivated as you can imagine, and nothing seems to make me want to be different. I mean - I KNOW what I'm doing to myself. I have a choice of rising about and achieving new things and falling into my own self pity, and yet I've chosen the second one.
I'll figure this out, but this one is going to need time. As I said, there's some great things going on in my life - mostly school related. In fact, you should all turn on the Today Show (you know, the national AM tv show) Thursday morning. I'm not sure what time during the program this will be, but we (my band) has been invited to perform on the Today Show at Campus Martius Park here in Detroit. I'm not sure how it's going to work but we're going to be downtown at 5:15am on Thursday and performing for the Today Show, so set those DVRs.
Anyway, the weight loss thing is in trouble. I'm not done, and I certainly haven't failed, but it's been tough. Going to cut this short - I've got to be up in 3 1/2 hours. I can't sleep at all, I've tried about 4 times tonight. Hang in there with me.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Lost
I thought I should update you all on what's been going on in my life and why I've been missing from blogsville for the past few weeks.
I am getting a divorce from my wife.
It's hard to type, and even harder to realize. Erin and I had a great run - we met on new year's eve back in 2000-2001, dated for five years and were married for three. I don't want to get into the details - there's quite a bit that I'm not proud of - and I don't want to turn this into anything negative, as there's already so much of that. I refuse to say a bad thing about her and hope that it can be the same way. She's a great person, and we were great friends - but the marriage didn't work. I'll leave it at that and will delete all comments that slam her, me or the marriage.
That being said, I hope that helps to explain where I've been.
I feel lost. I don't have my goals straight or my life planned out anymore. I'm working at the high school full time - probably 12-14 hour days on the slow days, and some nights I don't get home until 11pm-12am because of a band event. That's good though, because it keeps me distracted. It keeps me focused on something so I don't have a lot of time to worry about things. And the best news to come out of it is, I'm a pretty damned good band director. I've found my passion and this is something that I truly know that I was put on this earth to do. I've found a drive to not only teach music - but to teach students to reach beyond what they thought was possible by setting challenges in front of them and just being amazed when they overachieve. Teaching is something that has always been in my blood - and being able to realize this dream is something that I have been needing to do for years.
So my life is the most extreme ups and downs that it could possibly be. I'm going through divorce - and have no job. I quit my $60k+/year job working 30 hours a week at the newspaper so I could student teach - for free, and in fact, I paid $2500 in tuition to do it. My stability is gone, my faith is weakened, and I'm holding onto everything that I can to keep my entire world as I know it together. I spent quite a bit of time with my in laws, my church, my friends - and essentially it all disappeared.
Weight loss has been a struggle lately, as you can imagine. It's in my mind - I *NEED* to start eating right. I'm living on my brother's couch, and just not in the right mind frame to eat healthy and work out. I haven't seen the gym in almost a month. I've been eating out most meals because I don't want to bother my brother by preparing food in his house - I know that sounds stupid and he'd kick me if I said that, but I don't want to impose on him.
I have no idea what my weight is - my brother doesn't have a scale and mine is still at my house. I know I'm losing control, and every day I wake up saying that today is going to be the day that I get my head back on and regain control of my life, yet I slip into shitty eating and not working out every single day. Now, I'm on my feet for at least 12-14 hours a day, so the gym isn't *AS* detrimental as the eating, but it's still a factor.
My motivation has been gone lately. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a free pass. The bottom line is, I'm in a major rut and just don't know how to get out of it. New opportunities in my life are popping up now, and I'm not strong enough to force myself to the gym and to eat right, right now. But I need to.
This is the time of my life where I need to stand up and make a decision - am I going to regain all of this weight because of the struggles in my life that I am facing, or do I pull myself up out of the quicksand and fight?
It's so much easier to say than do. Just hang in there with me - if I don't post, it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't see a computer for days sometimes. I'm around, but I'm fighting the battles right now.
I haven't failed. For whoever said I did, you're mistaken. Thanks anyway, though.
I am getting a divorce from my wife.
It's hard to type, and even harder to realize. Erin and I had a great run - we met on new year's eve back in 2000-2001, dated for five years and were married for three. I don't want to get into the details - there's quite a bit that I'm not proud of - and I don't want to turn this into anything negative, as there's already so much of that. I refuse to say a bad thing about her and hope that it can be the same way. She's a great person, and we were great friends - but the marriage didn't work. I'll leave it at that and will delete all comments that slam her, me or the marriage.
That being said, I hope that helps to explain where I've been.
I feel lost. I don't have my goals straight or my life planned out anymore. I'm working at the high school full time - probably 12-14 hour days on the slow days, and some nights I don't get home until 11pm-12am because of a band event. That's good though, because it keeps me distracted. It keeps me focused on something so I don't have a lot of time to worry about things. And the best news to come out of it is, I'm a pretty damned good band director. I've found my passion and this is something that I truly know that I was put on this earth to do. I've found a drive to not only teach music - but to teach students to reach beyond what they thought was possible by setting challenges in front of them and just being amazed when they overachieve. Teaching is something that has always been in my blood - and being able to realize this dream is something that I have been needing to do for years.
So my life is the most extreme ups and downs that it could possibly be. I'm going through divorce - and have no job. I quit my $60k+/year job working 30 hours a week at the newspaper so I could student teach - for free, and in fact, I paid $2500 in tuition to do it. My stability is gone, my faith is weakened, and I'm holding onto everything that I can to keep my entire world as I know it together. I spent quite a bit of time with my in laws, my church, my friends - and essentially it all disappeared.
Weight loss has been a struggle lately, as you can imagine. It's in my mind - I *NEED* to start eating right. I'm living on my brother's couch, and just not in the right mind frame to eat healthy and work out. I haven't seen the gym in almost a month. I've been eating out most meals because I don't want to bother my brother by preparing food in his house - I know that sounds stupid and he'd kick me if I said that, but I don't want to impose on him.
I have no idea what my weight is - my brother doesn't have a scale and mine is still at my house. I know I'm losing control, and every day I wake up saying that today is going to be the day that I get my head back on and regain control of my life, yet I slip into shitty eating and not working out every single day. Now, I'm on my feet for at least 12-14 hours a day, so the gym isn't *AS* detrimental as the eating, but it's still a factor.
My motivation has been gone lately. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a free pass. The bottom line is, I'm in a major rut and just don't know how to get out of it. New opportunities in my life are popping up now, and I'm not strong enough to force myself to the gym and to eat right, right now. But I need to.
This is the time of my life where I need to stand up and make a decision - am I going to regain all of this weight because of the struggles in my life that I am facing, or do I pull myself up out of the quicksand and fight?
It's so much easier to say than do. Just hang in there with me - if I don't post, it's not because I don't care. It's because I don't see a computer for days sometimes. I'm around, but I'm fighting the battles right now.
I haven't failed. For whoever said I did, you're mistaken. Thanks anyway, though.
Monday, August 25, 2008
First Steps
Weigh In: 291
Right back to where I started. Tom and I have this challenge going on to see who can lose the most weight in a month, and I'm currently at zero. More on that later, though. We've got until Labor Day.
Today is a major day for me. Last Friday I quit my job at the newspaper after 8 years, and today I start the first day of Marching Band Camp with Martin Luther King HS in Detroit. This is the band that went to China to perform at the Olympics. This is the band that is pretty much the face of the city of Detroit. This band is everything that is right with the city of Detroit. HUGE program.
Marching band camp is 8am-6pm Monday-Friday this week. I'll be there at 7:30. I'll be on the field marching and keeping up with these high schoolers all week. I've committed to 100% eating this week. I've been using this week as my reason (read: excuse) for eating poorly lately, that I'll just "start" when I'll be at camp. So here it is.
I'll be takling more about this band as I go - I'm considering creating an entire secondary blog about them. This is what I've been looking forward to doing since literally 1994 when I started my college career. I've taken quite a few steps - some in the right, some in the wrong direction, but I'm finally here.
More later - but I needed to put my numbers out there to keep myself accountable. I'm not proud of myself lately - in fact, I feel a lot today like I did the first time I wrote a blog here - unaccountable, embarrassed, feeling pretty down about myself and my lack of control.. but I know I've pulled myself from the ashes before, and it's time for me to do it again. I need to find pride in myself again, and I think that it starts with being a part of this marching band.
They are, after all, Crusaders. Wish me luck.
Right back to where I started. Tom and I have this challenge going on to see who can lose the most weight in a month, and I'm currently at zero. More on that later, though. We've got until Labor Day.
Today is a major day for me. Last Friday I quit my job at the newspaper after 8 years, and today I start the first day of Marching Band Camp with Martin Luther King HS in Detroit. This is the band that went to China to perform at the Olympics. This is the band that is pretty much the face of the city of Detroit. This band is everything that is right with the city of Detroit. HUGE program.
Marching band camp is 8am-6pm Monday-Friday this week. I'll be there at 7:30. I'll be on the field marching and keeping up with these high schoolers all week. I've committed to 100% eating this week. I've been using this week as my reason (read: excuse) for eating poorly lately, that I'll just "start" when I'll be at camp. So here it is.
I'll be takling more about this band as I go - I'm considering creating an entire secondary blog about them. This is what I've been looking forward to doing since literally 1994 when I started my college career. I've taken quite a few steps - some in the right, some in the wrong direction, but I'm finally here.
More later - but I needed to put my numbers out there to keep myself accountable. I'm not proud of myself lately - in fact, I feel a lot today like I did the first time I wrote a blog here - unaccountable, embarrassed, feeling pretty down about myself and my lack of control.. but I know I've pulled myself from the ashes before, and it's time for me to do it again. I need to find pride in myself again, and I think that it starts with being a part of this marching band.
They are, after all, Crusaders. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Update - I'm alive
Quick update - I gained a pound since I talked last - I have 2 days left on a job I've held for 8 years, my eating has been so-so, not bad, not good, I haven't been to the gym more than twice in the past week, and I'm going to be running one of the largest marching bands in the state of Michigan (the only band in the United States that was invited to perform in China during the Olympics and they just returned yesterday).
Life is insane. I hate that I'm leaving you guys hanging, but it's been absolutely crazy lately. 287.8 was the weigh in.
Starting Monday it's going to be 10 hours of Marching Band camp for a full week and then school starts, where I am responsible for the entire marching band, jazz program and all classes. There will be no time for eating (especially the junk laying around my current work office), and I will be on my feet and marching and running around 10 hours a day.
The weight will get in the right direction.. sorry it's been so light on the blogs/weigh in's lately, but I hardly have time to do anything. I haven't given up, but I totally know it looks like it. Hang in there with me - my world flips on its head Monday morning.
Life is insane. I hate that I'm leaving you guys hanging, but it's been absolutely crazy lately. 287.8 was the weigh in.
Starting Monday it's going to be 10 hours of Marching Band camp for a full week and then school starts, where I am responsible for the entire marching band, jazz program and all classes. There will be no time for eating (especially the junk laying around my current work office), and I will be on my feet and marching and running around 10 hours a day.
The weight will get in the right direction.. sorry it's been so light on the blogs/weigh in's lately, but I hardly have time to do anything. I haven't given up, but I totally know it looks like it. Hang in there with me - my world flips on its head Monday morning.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Stagnant
My schedule's been incredibly crazy lately, so it's been more of a "hold onto the ground you've gained" situation. I keep thinking in the back of my head that I leave the office job and will be running marching band camps and will be on my feet 16 hours a day starting after next week (the last day at the office is the 22nd), so that maybe the weight loss will kick back in.
I've been doing ok, but because my schedule (and honestly, I've been lazy when I actually DO get to rest) I haven't been in the gym much. Maybe 3 times a week? I guess that's good for some, but for me, that's like almost nothing. I'll get back into gear here.
Not much to say today except for that I'm doing "ok" - I could be driving hard, but I could be falling off the wagon, and neither is happening. I wish I didn't keep having an excuse each time for not pushing hard, but having the whole job turnover thing in a week, it's kind of been my focus while everything else has taken a back seat. Neutral isn't 5th gear, but it's not reverse either. I'm hanging in there.
I've been doing ok, but because my schedule (and honestly, I've been lazy when I actually DO get to rest) I haven't been in the gym much. Maybe 3 times a week? I guess that's good for some, but for me, that's like almost nothing. I'll get back into gear here.
Not much to say today except for that I'm doing "ok" - I could be driving hard, but I could be falling off the wagon, and neither is happening. I wish I didn't keep having an excuse each time for not pushing hard, but having the whole job turnover thing in a week, it's kind of been my focus while everything else has taken a back seat. Neutral isn't 5th gear, but it's not reverse either. I'm hanging in there.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Keeping On
Another short one - I'm up too early for work today so I had a second.
My shoulder has been killing me all week and it's been keeping me out of the gym. That kind of sucks - as the weight is sneaking up again without it.
I'll be overdosing Aleve (or however you spell it) again today, and I'm hoping it gets better. I hate being out of sync.
Trying to hang on. Hoping to have some extra time on my hands in the next few days - we'll see how that goes. Sorry for being 4 days since my last post, I had no idea how quick that went by.
Totally uninspired today, the blog's boring. More tomorrow.
My shoulder has been killing me all week and it's been keeping me out of the gym. That kind of sucks - as the weight is sneaking up again without it.
I'll be overdosing Aleve (or however you spell it) again today, and I'm hoping it gets better. I hate being out of sync.
Trying to hang on. Hoping to have some extra time on my hands in the next few days - we'll see how that goes. Sorry for being 4 days since my last post, I had no idea how quick that went by.
Totally uninspired today, the blog's boring. More tomorrow.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Short One II
Weigh In: 277.0
Yeah, that sucked. Tom's catching up on the Labor Day weekend race. I had a bad, bad Saturday. Ate perfectly all day.. until the wedding. Then, I ate perfectly there - which mens I had a little bit of EVERYTHING and way too many beers. Not good - the weight soared. Kills me that you can eat perfectly for a week and be down 4 pounds and then watch it all go away with one bad night's decision.
Gonna make this short - I've been working like 8am-11pm about 4-5 nights a week, and totaling I think we said 70-some hours a week the past few weeks. That'll explain the lack of blogging. It's totally not because I'm slacking or not trying. It's getting the time in.
That being said, it's 11:47 and I'm working at 8 again.
Oh, side note - I hope this doesn't become an issue but as of now, my right shoulder is in BLINDING pain. I was yanking out a garbage bag tonight and literally heard the rotator cuff pop. Let's hope I just pulled a muscle and this ibuprofen will get me through the night. I don't have time for doctors and injuries. Knock on wood. More tomorrow.
Yeah, that sucked. Tom's catching up on the Labor Day weekend race. I had a bad, bad Saturday. Ate perfectly all day.. until the wedding. Then, I ate perfectly there - which mens I had a little bit of EVERYTHING and way too many beers. Not good - the weight soared. Kills me that you can eat perfectly for a week and be down 4 pounds and then watch it all go away with one bad night's decision.
Gonna make this short - I've been working like 8am-11pm about 4-5 nights a week, and totaling I think we said 70-some hours a week the past few weeks. That'll explain the lack of blogging. It's totally not because I'm slacking or not trying. It's getting the time in.
That being said, it's 11:47 and I'm working at 8 again.
Oh, side note - I hope this doesn't become an issue but as of now, my right shoulder is in BLINDING pain. I was yanking out a garbage bag tonight and literally heard the rotator cuff pop. Let's hope I just pulled a muscle and this ibuprofen will get me through the night. I don't have time for doctors and injuries. Knock on wood. More tomorrow.
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