With tomorrow being one year for me in this process, I've been thinking a lot about WHY I decided to take this so seriously this time. I know I'm a like a lot of you - we've yo-yo dieted for years, go hard for a few weeks or months, and then gain it all back, and then have to do the entire thing all over again.So why is it different this time? Why have I lost it and kept it off? What keeps me going, and what are my goals?
I want to be healthy. And I don't mean "not going to die early because of a heart attack" healthy. I mean the type of healthy that allows me to live my life on MY terms. The type of healthy that lets me climb every mountain that is in front of me - whether it's in my career, my fitness goals, my marriage, or literally climbing a mountain. I want my body to be the temple that I hear about - and not the dumping station that I've let it become.
I want to be sharp. I want to be able to look into a mirror without wondering what I've done to myself. I've been looking at pictures, even current ones, and where my friends and family see someone who has "lost over 100 pounds", I see someone who has so much more to lose. I see a midsection that I'm still ashamed of, and a body that needs so much work still. But the good news is, a year ago today I looked myself in the mirror and thought that I had dug myself a hole so deep that there wasn't an exit.
When you're pushing 400 pounds, you don't think about running 5k's nonstop, you don't think about buying clothes at a shop that doesn't start with "Big and Tall" - you accept that you're never going to do certain things with your life because you've already permanently screwed it up. And the worst trap of them all is the acceptance of this because you feel like you've done it to yourself, and that you DESERVED what you got. You give up hope. I'm not that guy anymore - and even though I'm not where I want to be.. YET, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm optimistic instead of giving up. That's a big step for me.
I want to be proud. My life revolves around my family, and when it's my time and I die, I want them to be able to say that I was somebody to them. I want to be known as someone who achieved full potential in every aspect of my life. When I look in the mirror, even today, I see someone who hasn't fulfilled the goals that he's set for himself - YET. I should have graduated college 10 years ago. I should have been teaching 10 years ago. I should have never gotten myself to the point that I allowed myself to get to in terms of my health. I could have been a better husband and son in the past. I want to be the guy who can be relied upon, I want to be the guy who people can turn to for trust, strength, and motivation.
I've come a long way from where I was before. Exactly one year ago, I was talking to a friend online about how helpless I felt. I was overweight, my back hurt so much daily that tying my shoes made me break out in sweats. I felt like a complete failure who had lost every battle that he had faced. I still remember sitting at my computer desk talking to him online and feeling so miserable about how things were. I wanted more, but I didn't have the pride, strength or motivation to take it. Frankly, I didn't feel like I deserved that chance at life because I had already pissed it away.
Today, I'm a different man. I may not have met every one of my goals yet - the bulging abs, the degree, the teaching job, the perfect husband and son, but there's a major difference. Last year, these things were an oasis - the palm tree in the desert that wasn't really there.
Today, it's reality. One year from now, when I post on this blog on my second year anniversary, I will be all of those things.
Continue on this journey with me for my second year. It's going to be even better than the first one.
12 comments:
I can so relate to this entire post. I might not have been pushing 400, but I still felt that hopelessness. I thought I had permanently damaged myself, and that there was no way back.
It's so great to be a part of F.A.T., if only to show people that it really can be done.
You've done big things in the past year, but I'm know that this year will be even better for you. Trust me...the last half of the journey is so much sweeter than the first. The first is mostly about shedding some of the extra baggage, but the second is where all the good stuff underneath is revealed.
WOW Rob - great blog! I think if this teacher thing doesn't work out you could be a great journalist/writer - you have a gift there.
Your reasons for staying on track this past year and having the motivation to continue are right on - best of luck and we will continue to support you in any way we can.
Good luck on the "trot" tomorrow also - I hope it isn't pouring down rain like it is this morning in D-town!
good post Rob. You've come a long way and you're showing us that you still want to go further.
think once you've acomplished a few things and shown yourself what you're capable of, the possibilities are endless. It wont make you a perfect man, but as long as you try your absolute hardest, well that is just as good as being perfect. There is no perfect anyway.
Tuck,
Happy Re-Birth Day. It's great to see this happening for you, and great to see you motivated again. I know what you're saying about being ready to give up, Tuck. Granted, I was a lot lighter than you to begin with (298 v 379) but I'm also nearly a foot shorter, and a lot of the difference comes from there. Had we done a comparison at that time, I probably would have had a higher BMI just based on height. Hell, I probably STILL have a higher BMI.
That's not the point though. The point is that you're taking this seriously, and you're doing what you need to do instead of making excuses, even though it's always easier to make excuses than it is to make an effort. Keep it up. Everyday do SOMETHING, even if it's not enough do SOMETHING.
As far as school goes, at least you're ahead of me. I have less than sixty credits, and to do what I want to do is going to require a master's degree. You've been hammering away at it for nearly fifteen years continuously, and I'm glad you finally made up your mind, but it could be worse, Tuck. You could be looking at a situation where you hadn't really done anything since high school.
As far as the husband/son thing, it hasn't always been easy for you, I know. You're dealing with real people there, and although I'm not trying to make excuses for you, they don't always make it easy for you either. And looking at this from my perspective Tuck, you've always been a great friend. Regardless of anything else that happens, you'll always be the guy who showed up with pizza on the day my dad died.
This is an interesting, inspiring post Rob. I think you deserve kudos for persisting to accomplish your goals. truthfully, even the fact that you kept losing & re-gaining weight is a sign of your persistence. Your past failures didn't stop you from trying again, and that's great. This time, of course, there will be no next time.
I have to say with regard to the perfect son/husband thing - that's an impossible, but laudable goal. None of us is perfect, and we can't always measure our performance against the expectations of others either. Sometimes being a good husband/son means doing things that the other person doesn't necessarily like or agree with, but it's what's best. For you, or for them. I definitely think you should strive to be the best husband/son you can possibly be, which starts with being the best man you can be.
When it comes down to it, you are a strong, resilient, persistent, determined person, and I am sure that your refusal to quit will lead you to the accomplishment of your goals. Congrats in advance.
I know what you mean man. You've gotten yourself to a place where you can effectively fight the fight. You can do this. Keep all these things in mind.
Realistically, what we've done in 1 year is amazing. We've transformed ourselves so drastically. We tend to want things "now" and have this need for immediate results. I was lucky, I started this journey when I was only 80 lbs overweight. You have a much bigger hill to climb.
This second year will see you go (relatively) from where I started to where I am. This is the beginning of the "big change". Remember that. You're no longer becoming "less fat". You're becoming "more fit".
I honestly can't wait to go thru this next year with you and everyone else here. It's so impressive that you've come from what you described to where you are now. Be proud of what you've already accomplished, and proud of what you're going to accomplish in the coming year. Regardless if you've met all your goals yet or not, you're already an inspiration to a lot of people.
I didn't want to bump this for a 'food update' - so I'll just add it here.
I'm giving myself a B+ for my meals today. Was an A+ all the way through the day, but for dinner had to go out to eat - a great sandwich and fries place. I made the best possible choice on the menu - pesto chicken (sauce on the side, used about a 1/8th of it), rice and coleslaw. I would have gave myself an A but there was a TON of rice and instead of eating until I was satisfied, I ate the entire thing. I probably should have stopped - it was useless rice.
So, B+ is ok. I did a 5k yesterday and I'm doing another one tomorrow morning, so I'm ok with my choices for the day. I just want to reserve the A's for the PERFECT days. "almost" is no longer enough.
i just saw your countdown go down to zero- cool! :)
happy rebirthday
when you say you did a 5k yesterday, are you saying you ran it? Dang! Big jump there.
You've made some huge strides in a year, and you've inspired us all in the process. This isn't just about weight loss, it's about being proud of yourself and reaching your goals...perhaps it's no coincidence that so many of us are going back to finish their degrees, or are changing jobs, etc. It really is amazing what a little success can bring you.
Keep pushing Rob. We all want to see you reach your ultimate fitness goals.
Once again Rob you've inspired me. We are getting healthier together all of us and it hasn't just been about losing weight. If we hadn't worked hard on the inside we wouldn't see changes on the outside. And once again, FAT has been, and will continue to be, the greatest support for our journey.
Thanks for sharing.
Happy Re-birthday Rob! Have I told you that Im proud of how far you've come? If not, well Im proud of you. There are so many people who were in the same place as you a year ago and are even worse off today. Youve changed your health status, your body and your outlook. Youre a great guy and Im proud to say I know you. Keep striving and next year youll be mr muscle man :)
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