26 and Counting

So it's been a few days since I've posted - that bugs me because I've wanted to keep at least a daily log of where I've been, what I'm doing and where I'm going.  Usually when I disappear for a while, it's because I'm not doing well and I don't want to come online and complain about it.

However, that's not the case.  This week, it's just been that work is crazy, Boy Scouts, kids activities and responsibilities have been getting in the way of a good blog post.

The reality is, I've had quite a few amazing blog posts written down in my head - and by the time I get in front of a screen, I've lost them.   So, here's some highlights of my week:

Weight Loss - I haven't weighed in lately (since the last time I reported weight on here, about 2 weeks or so?) but I'm noticing changes.  My shirts feel looser, and I have a pair of jeans that I used to struggling to get into, and now they are loose.  My skin isn't breaking out, my acid reflux is gone and I've been sleeping through the night.   Those are changes that I am noticing.  Funny how the body reacts accordingly - eat like crap, it treats you like crap.  If you eat well, it works well.  Amazing concept.

So, today will be Day 26 of my food log streak.  One of them I ate poorly, the rest I have been at my goal of 2300 calories or below.   I'm starting to not want food all the time, I'm starting to eat when I'm hungry and stop before I'm stuffed - I eat until I'm SATISFIED.  I still eat what I want - if I want tacos, I have tacos.  I want reeces pieces?  I eat reeces pieces.  But instead of 7 tacos and a pounds and a half of reeces,  I eat 2 or 3 tacos and a handful of candy.  

Moderation is something I've never been able to tackle and I feel as if I'm getting there.

One other thing I want to mention - the last 5K race in the area is this weekend, the 29th, in Carthage.  My knee has been feeling better, and I'm considering racing in it.  However, here's my concerns:

1: I want to do a 5K every month, but I don't want to rely on it being about "just finishing the race" this year.  I did that 12 times last year and I was more unhealthy and a slower walker when I was done than when I started.

2: I want the races I do to be meaningful.  I want them to be a reflection of hard work and sacrifice, and for each medal I earn to be a weight loss and health driven milestone.

So, I'm torn.  I may not do it because I don't want to test my knee and hurt it again.  On the other hand, I'd like to do 1 a month.  But, I'd rather do zero in one month and 3 the next than do one just for the sake of doing it.

I know, I know.  Fat runner problems.

Anyway, things are going well.  Just wanted to keep you all updated.  Day 26 almost in the books.  I may try to get to a scale and the gym later, I'd like to see if my weight is changing.   Catch you soon.

The Body Seeks Revenge

Well, I wasn't going to blog about this, but I have been telling myself all day that I need to be accountable and include the defeats in with the wins, so here I go.  I hesitate because for about 2 years, this blog has been one story of defeat after another, and it steamrolled into a 466 pound me.

This is a story of ONE defeat.  I'll just put it out there - yesterday, I ate like crap and I'm paying for it today.  My knee was hurting, I was doing the whole 'feel sorry for yourself' thing, and I ate like crap.  In the middle of the day I went to the doctor and got a cortisone shot.  If you've ever got one, you know what I'm about to say.  If you haven't.. well, let's just say that it's no regular needle.  This is the super villain of needles.   My knee ballooned, I was in pain, and I was driving through Joplin and I ate my pain away.

Fried chicken. King sized Twix.  Got home and had leftover

I may have forgotten about it, but my body hasn't.  I have had the WORST acid reflex I've had in a long time.  I've had a few too many trips to the bathroom.  In short, I feel like trash.

That is what happens when you rid your body of that garbage.  Let's face it - I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary compared to before I started this newest push.  The pizza, candy, fried foods.. it was just a regular part of my day.  Now, my body doesn't know what to do with it and it openly rejects it.

To me, that's a good thing.

The good news is, doc cleared me to do my races.  I'm a little scared of my knee, but it feels a little better today, and he told me it'd feel great in a few days.  So, look for some update on finding me a January 5k.  I plan on being at least 20 pounds less than the one I did in December.   This year, it's not about just DOING races.  It's about being HEALTHIER every single time I do one.
pizza.  Went shopping and grabbed a movie sized box of Reeces Pieces.  I absolutely blew it.   But, I went to bed and promised myself I'd be better today - and spoiler alert - I've been flawless with only dinner to go.

So, I'm back on the horse, and I'm going strong.  The doc's visit revealed that I have 'advanced arthritis' in my right knee and it's got everything to do with being overweight.  He's scheduled me for about a month and a half of physical therapy, and I have my consultation on Friday.  I'll update you guys as I know more.

Bad Knee! Bad!

There's been a ton going on lately - I've had some of the most amazing blog entries going through this head of mine, but between work, family and everything else going on, it's hard to stop for twenty minutes and put it all to the proverbial paper.  I'll try to talk about a few things here before bed.

First off, I'm down another 2 pounds.  This is a total of 16 pounds since the New Year.   I'm happy with the progress, but I'm not going to be obsessed with a scale.   However, the bottom line is - I'm currently 450 (down from 466),   In the past, I'd get comfortable after 10-15 pounds and feel as if I've accomplished something.  It has always been about the number on the scale.  Not anymore -it's about making a life long change towards good health, and I'm not going to stop until I get there.

That being said, I'm up to 18 days straight of logging my calories.  The last three have been a bit shaky - don't get me wrong, I'm still under my 2300 goal each day (I think I was like 40 calories over a few days ago), but I'm not really doing it traditional.  For instance, yesterday I had a good breakfast, good lunch, and a bowl of cereal around 4pm, and then nothing else for the rest of the night.  Today, I had a McDonalds Sausage McMuffin with Egg (460 cal) and a coffee (80 cal w/ cream) around 6:15am, but because work was super busy, I didn't eat again until tonight - totally skipping dinner, and having only 540 calories for the entire day before dinner.

Because I didn't get home until after 7pm, it was a "pick something up for dinner" night.  I had all intentions of stopping at the grocery store - I even had the recipe picked out, a chicken stir fry with cabbage, but after a 14 hour day, it was pizza.

I logged 5 slices, I had plenty of calories to do it.   I ate every bit of it.  Technically, it keeps me under my calories, but I just wolfed down about 1400 calories at once.  No surprise that my stomach cramped up and I ended up throwing up.  Super gross.  On the bright side, my body is starting to tell me something - STICK TO THE GOOD STUFF, or else.  I'm OK with that, I just have to have a little more discipline.

One other thing to mention - I have been talking about my knee and how I think I did some damage to it at my last race of 2016.  I'm not a guy that goes to doctors very much, but I got talked into it, and I'm headed to the Orthopedic Sports Medicine Center here in Joplin tomorrow morning at 10:30am.  I'll update tomorrow when I find out what I'm dealing with.   I really want to keep walking and doing my races every month - but this is something I need to work out and get fixed before eI make it worse.

Oh, and one other thing - I tried my CPAP breathing machine for the first time in a year last night.  This is the thing that the doc tells me I HAVE to do.  My sleep apnea is literally killing me, throwing off my testosterone levels (by way of screwing up my pituitary gland), and long story made short - I'm not going to lose significant weight unless I get this figured out.   So, I wore it last night.  I hate this thing.  But, I did sleep through the night (most of the way).  However, when I woke up at 5am, it was on the floor, still running.  I don't remember taking it off, so I don't know how long I had it on last night, but Melissa said she got up at 3am and it was already off.   I'll get this worked out, but be praying for me, because this is going to be a serious challenge for me.

Ok, that's it for tonight.  I'll get more info tomorrow if I can break free - I'll update everyone on my knee situation.  Until tomorrow!

Lucky 13

Wont be a long one tonight but wanted to stay accountable.    Day 13 is logged and in the books.   Healthy eating is working but I have to stay focused on being consistent and not letting down.   Things are going well.

We had church tonight so we have to resort to fast food tonight.   As we pulled up,  I realized that nothing looked good.  Too greasy.  Too fattening. I don't know how many calories is in that.   So, instead of guessing, I passed and choose to have healthy (ish) leftovers.   Small token win, because that double bacon cheeseburger sure would have gone down in a hurry two weeks ago.

Went to specialist yesterday.   They told me that I have to get this CPAP machine working.    I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea back in 2013 but hate that machine.   It chokes me out and I wake up in a panic.  I've tried using it for 3 years and absolutely hate it.   The specialist told me to get back on it, because it throws everything off, and is a likely cause of my weight gain.    So, I'll get back to battling that stupid machine again soon.  

Other than that,  things are going well.  Stay strong!

Ten for Ten

Last night, I got this cute little image that told me that I've gone TEN days in a row logging my food choices.  It felt good to see that hit double digits.  I was more looking forward to going to the gym this morning to see if it's done anything on the scale.

Went to the gym this morning - didn't eat breakfast.  I'm starting to learn that food is fuel.  I'm not trying to be funny when I say that.  Forever, food was what felt good.  It's what I did when I felt bad.  When I was nervous.  When I had nothing to do with my hands.  I picked up food and ate it.   That's exactly how I got to the point where I was 466 pounds.

These last 10 days, I've learned to do the opposite.  Not eat all the time.  Eat planned meals.  Log every bite.  Consider if I should eat something because I've got goals to reach.

So, I didn't want to eat before I stepped on the scale.  I wanted the lowest number possible.  I didn't want a silly meal to skew my number.  I figured I'd eat after.

I had no energy.  I couldn't stay on the elipical.  I barely made 5 minutes on the treadmill.  I couldn't get half the weight bars off the ground today.  I was mentally and physically worn out, and this was at 5:30am.

I was out of fuel.  I need to start remembering to fuel my body to do the things I want to do.  That's a strange compromise for me.  I go from eating TOO much to NOT enough, and I have to find a middle ground.   I'm not worried, I'll get there.   I know I'm still learning.

Oh, and the good news?

Dropped 4 more pounds as I recorded 452 this morning.   That's 14 since I decided to do something about my life ten days ago.  Pretty happy about that, but SO much more work to do.

Happy Birthday Olivia Sunshine!

Today was my youngest daughter Olivia's 5th birthday.  For her birthday I got her something incredibly special.  Something that I have never gotten any of my other children.  Hopefully if it goes right, this will be a gift she will be able to share with her siblings and mom for years to come.

It's nothing new and shiny.   Nothing she can put into her backpack and show her friends at school.  But she can play with it, and hopefully love it for years to come.

This year for her birthday, I gave Olivia a healthy daddy for her birthday.

I feel transformed.  I still am trapped in this enormous, painful, restricted body but for the first time in forever (clear "Frozen song lyric reference for those of you with no small daughters), I know that there is a way out.  I don't feel as if there is nothing I can do about it anymore, and that is so motivating that it's almost all I can think of.

I've been consumed by calorie counting.  I spent the week concerned about what I was going to eat at Eli's Boy Scout campout and instead of showing up and eating what they had - ended up being chips, sugary treats and cokes, I thought ahead and picked up Clif Bars, oranges, raisins and smart foods.  Didn't cheat once.  Then, we had stone of sugary cereals for choices and it was easy for me to pass up my favorite Cinnamon Toast Crunch for oatmeal.  And instead of my usual 3 bags, I chose only 2 and followed it with an orange.

Lunch was tortillas with ham and cheese and I partook, but in limited, wise portion sizes.  I even had DORITOS.  Eight of them only.  Yes, I counted them, enjoyed them and moved on.

Tonight was the ultimate challenge.  My nemesis.  Pizza Hut.

Normally, as of the last time me and pizza met, I defeated it.  Or with my new perspective, it defeated me.  And when I say that, I mean I ate an entire large pizza without even thinking.  Honestly, it scares me to be in the same room with it.  I binge on pizza and always have.  Tonight before it was ordered, I went to LoseIt.com where I log my calories and looked at how many I had left tonight.  Since I did so well, I had over 1200 calories to use and still at goal.

So I plugged in 4 slices of thin crust the calories tracker before I went and picked the pizza up.  I chose a thin crust because the calories are less than the thin crust (spoiler: it tastes better too I come to find out).  I had an honest, serious conversation with Melissa before I left.  I told her - and this is a sincere, honest moment - to please watch me.  I've committed to four pieces of pizza and I know that I do not have the self control to keep stopping.  I told her I would take 3 slices at first, eat it consciously, and if I was still hungry I would tell her that I was taking ONE more slice.  If I took more than that, I wanted her to stop me, even if that meant hurting my feelings.   We agreed, and I went to pick it up.

I took my three.  I sat down and watched Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom with my kids and wife, and ate my pizza.  All three went down quick.   I wanted more.  I knew I had committed to four and would be ok.   But then I knew that the three I had were kind of large, and I knew deep down in my heart that I was SATISFIED.

There was no reason to dive into that fourth piece.

I had won.

So I'm a few hundred calories under my goal today, I had a healthy campout, had healthy foods, even had some not-so-healthy foods under control, and I go on to win another day.

My dear Olivia Sunshine, I hope that you read this in ten, twenty.. even fourty/fifty years when I am long gone and you are raising your own family, and you know how hard this is for me, but how important it is for me, to be the best NEW Daddy that I could offer you.

Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful daughter.

PS: I'll post official food logs tomorrow or Monday, my phone is dead.  :)

Happy Friday!

The food log is going strong - I've officially made 7 days in a row logging and blogging my food.  Feel free to go back and critique my eating, I'm always up for good suggestions.

This one's going to be pretty short - but I wanted to point out that I've done well for a week and beat my first challenge.  I went from holiday break to my first full week back working, and figuring out how to handle food during a busy schedule.  We've made  conscious decisions on what we're going to eat, we've tried to look forward, and when I wasn't able (or failed to do so) make time to schedule meals, I've found healthy alternatives.  All and all, a good first week.

The next big test comes this weekend.  Tonight after work I take Elijah to Boy Scout Camp for the weekend - that means that I don't control the food.  I have to control the portions.  And I have to be smart and log everything, even those snacks that they offer at camp.  Either way, I have to be SMART, make SMART decisions and continue to keep the momentum that I've built up during the last week.

Then, tomorrow is Livi's birthday, so I'll have to make sure what whatever we eat for her birthday - cake, ice cream, etc.. I plan, schedule and eat again - SMART.  Too much work the past week to blow it away in a weekend.

I'm confident that I can do this.  I'm feeling better.  I don't miss the sweets and the treats.  Every once in a while I get hungry, and I do think about food a LOT.. but I've been able to look in the mirror and realize that the guy looking back at me NEEDS me to do this.

So, happy Friday everyone!  Food log for yesterday (1/5/17) below: