It's nothing new and shiny. Nothing she can put into her backpack and show her friends at school. But she can play with it, and hopefully love it for years to come.
This year for her birthday, I gave Olivia a healthy daddy for her birthday.
I feel transformed. I still am trapped in this enormous, painful, restricted body but for the first time in forever (clear "Frozen song lyric reference for those of you with no small daughters), I know that there is a way out. I don't feel as if there is nothing I can do about it anymore, and that is so motivating that it's almost all I can think of.
I've been consumed by calorie counting. I spent the week concerned about what I was going to eat at Eli's Boy Scout campout and instead of showing up and eating what they had - ended up being chips, sugary treats and cokes, I thought ahead and picked up Clif Bars, oranges, raisins and smart foods. Didn't cheat once. Then, we had stone of sugary cereals for choices and it was easy for me to pass up my favorite Cinnamon Toast Crunch for oatmeal. And instead of my usual 3 bags, I chose only 2 and followed it with an orange.
Lunch was tortillas with ham and cheese and I partook, but in limited, wise portion sizes. I even had DORITOS. Eight of them only. Yes, I counted them, enjoyed them and moved on.
Tonight was the ultimate challenge. My nemesis. Pizza Hut.
Normally, as of the last time me and pizza met, I defeated it. Or with my new perspective, it defeated me. And when I say that, I mean I ate an entire large pizza without even thinking. Honestly, it scares me to be in the same room with it. I binge on pizza and always have. Tonight before it was ordered, I went to LoseIt.com where I log my calories and looked at how many I had left tonight. Since I did so well, I had over 1200 calories to use and still at goal.
So I plugged in 4 slices of thin crust the calories tracker before I went and picked the pizza up. I chose a thin crust because the calories are less than the thin crust (spoiler: it tastes better too I come to find out). I had an honest, serious conversation with Melissa before I left. I told her - and this is a sincere, honest moment - to please watch me. I've committed to four pieces of pizza and I know that I do not have the self control to keep stopping. I told her I would take 3 slices at first, eat it consciously, and if I was still hungry I would tell her that I was taking ONE more slice. If I took more than that, I wanted her to stop me, even if that meant hurting my feelings. We agreed, and I went to pick it up.
I took my three. I sat down and watched Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom with my kids and wife, and ate my pizza. All three went down quick. I wanted more. I knew I had committed to four and would be ok. But then I knew that the three I had were kind of large, and I knew deep down in my heart that I was SATISFIED.
There was no reason to dive into that fourth piece.
I had won.
So I'm a few hundred calories under my goal today, I had a healthy campout, had healthy foods, even had some not-so-healthy foods under control, and I go on to win another day.
My dear Olivia Sunshine, I hope that you read this in ten, twenty.. even fourty/fifty years when I am long gone and you are raising your own family, and you know how hard this is for me, but how important it is for me, to be the best NEW Daddy that I could offer you.
Happy 5th Birthday my beautiful daughter.
PS: I'll post official food logs tomorrow or Monday, my phone is dead. :)
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