Quick Shots

Weigh In: 275.5

Not much to report in on, had a pretty good eating day and hit the gym. Had some friends over late, so it's almost 1am - WAY past my bedtime.

Really not much to say, a non-eventful day. I have another family party tomorrow night, but since the 'holidays' are over, I'm making myself eat right. This will be a test - ideal eating in a non-ideal eating environment. I'll be fine though, I've eaten poorly enough in the past week to last me a few months.

Just glad to see the weight slowly making its way down. Consistency, right?

Short one tonight, but I wanted to pop my head in. More tomorrow.

Holidays

Weigh In: 277.5

I've been putting this off since Christmas Eve because I just didn't want to hear what I knew was coming. I told myself that I was going to behave 100% through the month, and then during holiday parties I would pretty much eat without restriction, but knowing that I had to keep it in control, without any HUGE binges or anything completely stupid.

I can say that I did that, but with that choice came a TON of sodium, and the weight has been soaring.

Basically, each of the past few day was a celebration with a different side of the family. The Saturday before Christmas, the 23rd, the 24th, the 25th and the 26th. That means big meals. I ate 'regularly' - I had a few snacks, a few appetizers and a normal meal. I didn't limit myself, I had the sweets, but I also had NORMAL servings. Now we know that normal doesn't mean 'normal' to our standards, but I didn't go back for fourths, and I skipped a few (not all) of the desserts.

Plus, I went to the gym every single day except for Christmas Day as it was closed.

The bottom line is, I know my weight is up. I saw the 260s and didn't hold onto them. I had ham for dinner 3 nights in a row - the highest sodium rates possible. I feel like a sponge, and I KNOW I'm retaining more water than ten maids-a-milking.

But we're back in gear. I told myself that today would be the day I got back on the horses and went full steam, and that's what I did. So what if I have to re-discover the 260's? I had a great holiday with my awesome family, and I won't look back. As we've said a hundred times before, it's not a few days in the big picture that will kill us, it's if we don't bounce right back.

I'm on the rebound.

Reporting In

Not much to report today. Been busy as sin, but I wanted to at least pop my head in. Eating has been average, I've been snacking too much. Free time is killing me. I did get into the gym this morning, and already have a plan to go tomorrow morning. The gym's open until 2 tomorrow so I'm going to get in there early.

I wish I was gung ho right now, but I really feel like I'm just trying to get through. It's irritating because I feel myself losing steps, but I'm trying to keep the focus. The next three days are going to be tough, I don't think I'll see a homemade or planned meal.

The bottom line is, I need to reel it in. The 'energy' is there but the follow through just sucks. I'm not down on myself or giving myself pity, but I need to realize that this is a time to EXCEL, not just get by.

Hang in there, everyone. Remember - Monday is weigh in day for the challenge. Make sure to get something in.

Holiday Rush Is On

Just dropping a note to say that I'm still alive. These last few days (ironically since my last post) have been insanely busy - parties, helping Erin at school, christmas shopping, you name it. Unfortunately, it's been the perfect storm.

I haven't been to the gym in 3 days - which really sucks. Not an issue of wanting to go, but an issue of not having an hour from the minute I wake up until late night to get there. Sucks, too - because the eating has been "OK" - but definitely not great. Add to that, I had a great time last night with Erin's co-workers at a christmas party where I drank more last night than in the last 6 months combined, and the weight is way too high today. I'm not even going to bother recording it, because I'm holding more water than an Olympic sized pool right now. I'm irritated at the weigh in, but I know the gallon of beer didn't help matters.

The bottom line is, I'm drinking a ton of water today, eating better today, and I have my family's HUGE christmas party tonight in the hall. Starts at 6pm. Just got home, about 9am we went to go pick up Erin's great-aunt Mary (an 88 year old nun) from Kalamazoo, and just walked in the door.

I need to get into the gym somehow, and soon. I can't go this long without my workouts. I need to really reel it in tonight at the party. I need to have water instead of beer tonight - I don't like it, but that's how it's got to be.

I feel pretty rushed and hectic. I kind of planned on this at the beginning of the month - I knew I'd be in for it right now, but it's time to dig in the heels and right the ship. Just needed to check in with you guys, hopefully I'll get to all of your blogs tomorrow!

Now, the Hard Part

Weigh In: 269.0
Five Day Average: 268.31

Ok, so the weight went up a bit today, but I'm not going to sweat it. First off, seeing 2 pounds fall off in a day (from 268 to 266) wasn't going to stick, so seeing it go up is no sweat. Secondly, I weighed in WAY early this morning, I had to get out of the house super early, like 5:30am early today to get to the gym and get to my final exam by 8am downtown this morning. So, not worried about the 269.

I titled this blog, "Now - The Hard Part" because this next week is going to test my loyalty to myself. My self control in an unfamiliar environment. I took my last final exam today, and starting tomorrow until the new year, I have no work and no school, as I took my last week and a half of vacation time from work.

I have no schedule.

Which sounds great - and it is - but that means no 'scheduled' lunch time. It means way too much down time where sneaking into the fridge would kill the diet. It means that I really - REALLY have to be adamant about what I eat, and I think more importantly - WHEN I eat it. And we're not even talking about the holiday parties that will be on-going for the next 7 days.

So, it's the hard part. But getting blow 270 was the hard part. Getting back on my feet after losing my footing a few times was the hard part. Getting under 300 was the hard part. Breaking my 21 day plateau of being at 330 was the hard part. Admitting that I needed help and had to start this blog in the first place was the hard part.

The GOOD part is that I've overcome obstacles before, and I'll do it again.

Whatever I'm Doing, It's Working

Weigh In: 266.5 (new low!)
Five Day Average: 270.06 (new low!)

It's working. I've been eating right (perhaps a bit lean actually), been working out 7 days a week, and on December 1 I weighed in at 277.5. Eighteen days later, I'm down 11 pounds. Granted, it's been fluctuating so wildly the past few weeks that I wouldn't call that an '11 pound loss', but if you put the averages against each other, this is how it comes out:

Five Day Average as of today: 270.06
Five Day Average as of December 1: 276.81

So if we're talking REAL numbers, I'm down over 6 pounds this month so far. You'll never hear me complain about that.

It's about determination. I hovered around 275 because I didn't have it. I found excuses to be average. And when you're average, you don't see results. Granted, I never 'gained' it, but I never 'lost' it either. And that's the definition of average.

I don't really have much to post about, but I wanted to put that 266.5 up there. I want to see a five day average of 265 by the end of the month, but we're starting to get into the part of the month where there's a TON of land mines. I made a promise to myself that if I gave it 100% throughout the month of December that I wouldn't limit myself during the holiday parties. I've got a few of them coming up, and I know what that means.

I've got three options that way I see it.

1: Eat however I want during the holiday parties - it's what I promised myself I'd allow.
2: Eat 100% clean and "miss out" on the food.
3: Use common sense, enjoy enough to enjoy it, but use your brain.

Option three seems to be the obvious choice, so that's how I'll go. The catch is, I can't fall into the trap. "I earned it" is not good enough. That's a justification. I also earned the low weight and health benefits, and big pile of chocolate covered chocolate just doesn't support that earning.

One other thing - I've noticed a major slowdown with some of our members during this time. I hear that we're 'busy', and I know that we all have a lot going on. But this blog, and this weight loss thing, it can't be forgotten. Make time for your health the way you make time for work, school, your family and your responsibilities. Without your health, you can't enjoy the rest of those things anyway. Hang in there, FAT!

OK, one more other thing. For those of you who know my cousin Gary who used to blog on here, his wife Patty just gave birth to their first child this morning, baby Brennan. VERY excited for them. Just thought you guys would like to know.

Full Speed Ahead

Weigh In: 268.25 (new low!)
Five Day Average: 271.1

It's a Monday night but it feels like the weekend. I only have to work 17 hours this week, and then I have the rest of the week, PLUS all of next week, off of school. My last final exam of my bachelor's degree is tomorrow morning. Erin's a teacher, and got a snow day, so I decided to take the day off with her. We went to the gym, went to the mall, went to go see "I Am Legend" with Will Smith. Sweet movie.

Oh, and I also hit 268.5 today.

Not much to say about it, except for it's not this huge 'milestone' that I always seem to put on myself. I did the same thing when I got to 300. I put so much effort and time and stress and hard work and anger and every other emotion I can think of into this, and when I FINALLY beat the number (getting under 270, for example), it's like - no big deal.

If I'm being honest, I'm looking forward to Wednesday when the 276 comes off my record, and I get under 270 for a 5-day average. My brain is already geared towards hitting 265 before the New Year.

So, I've found my new gear. Full speed ahead.

PS: If you're in Tuck's Big December Challenge and haven't posted your weigh-in yet, make sure to do so. I'll try and update everything tomorrow.

A Small Peek

Weigh In: 269.5 (new low!)
Five Day Weigh In: 272.45

First off, my weight's been crazy lately. Here's my last five.

270.25
271.5
276
275
269.5

Obviously, that's one of hell of a lot of fluctuation.

A few things that come to mind. First off, I'm glad to see the 269.5 show its face, but by the weigh-ins lately, I'm not holding my breath for it to stick. I'll be glad if it does though, and I haven't done anything to not deserve it to stick. Been there, though - so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Here's a comment that Melody on the calorie-count.com website left for my blog. This really leaves me thinking, and I want everyone's opinion on this. Her reply to my last blog:

I dont think your eating enough?

I did a needs calculator putting you at 6'0" (your taller right?) 275 lbs and moderate activities. It said:

• You'll need at least 3,810 calories to maintain your current weight and activity level.

Of this, 2,240 calories are required to meet your body's basic energy needs. That amount (your resting energy expenditure) is what you'd use up if you did nothing but lie in bed all day.

• To lose about one pound per week, you'll need to cut back to 3,310 calories per day.
http://www.ahealthyme.com/CalNeed.do

I think your eating way too low. I mean your pretty damn active and thats not including exercise. Hell I'm 100 lbs lighter and if I exercise I eat 1800 calories.

Time to rethink your eating?

Now, I noticed a long, long time ago that the calorie-count.com website recommended that I eat a lot more calories than I have been. I've been using 1800-2200 as my number for as long as I can remember. It's gotten me down as far as I have already, so I'm hesitant to change that.

But, I've been to multiple sites just like the one Melody is referring me to - and I'm wondering if maybe she's on to something. To the guys who are my size or close (I'm 6'4, 269.5 as of this morning), what's your calorie intake? Should I be doing more? I hesitate to even imagine taking on more calories, but the whole math thing, everything we've learned from the 'books', tells me that I should be taking in more. So - thoughts?

Also - one other thing: I think I realize why my weight ballooned so quickly those past few days. I had a good amount of ham at the company Christmas party a few days ago. Erin's mom was telling me that it seems like every day-after-Easter she can't get her rings on because she eats the ham and it swells her up for a few days. Perhaps that explains the obscene 6 pound jump? That would make sense.

Ok, another night in the books. Hopefully everyone is doing well. We're in the middle of a snowstorm in Michigan, so I'm prepared to get some cardio doing the snow blowing tomorrow morning. Until tomorrow!

It Ain't Fair

Weigh In: None

I actually went to weigh in today, but since it was so ass early and not even close to the time I normally weigh in, I'm not going to bother recording it. It was something like 275, but it would normally drop a pound or two from the time I weighed in to the time I normally would. So, an "unofficial" 275?

I've had something in the back of my head the past few days and it was verbalized by my father in law this morning. I've been in the gym EVERY SINGLE day, working my ass off. I've been eating pretty damned perfectly. A few days ago I had a half-cup, and that's a half-cup MEASURING cup of low fat ice cream. That is 110 calories. Then, the next day I had 2 cookies. The little ones - about 80 calories a piece. My weight went up six pounds.

In the back of my head, I think that's total bullshit. I understand "fluxuation", and I get that slipping will cause my weight to go up. I've got no bone to pick with it. But I can't help but think in the back of my head that it makes no sense. Everything we learn about 3500 calories equaling a pound, all the math and science that goes into this whole process, and to have my weight go up like 4 times by a HUGE jump like this - because of approximately 270 calories when everything else is golden, it makes no sense.

In my head, if you were listening, you would hear, "It's not fair".

But I know what that sounds like. I know it's someone complaining because the scale isn't agreeing with them. But when Tom and I were working out this morning, he said that he had read my blog from a few days ago, and his exact words were, "I saw what you said you ate, and that just doesn't seem fair that you would gain six pounds after that".

So maybe it's not fair. Maybe that little voice in the back of my head was right. Maybe gaining 6 pounds by staying under my calories for the day but exchanging a bag of carrots for sweet isn't what the 'rulebook' says.

I think I'm right to be frustrated about it. And since frustration fuels anger, and anger fuels intense workouts, I think I can be ok with it. For what it's worth, I've had a handful of peanuts, an apple and lettuce with tuna on top of it today, and it's about 2pm. I had a great workout today. I'm going into the weekend feeling energized and ready to knock it out of the park.

Fair's got NOTHING to do with it.

Marathoners Don't Sprint

Weigh In: 276 (ouch)
Five Day Average: 272.0

If you haven't read yesterdays' blog yet - read that first, and then come back to this one, or this one won't make any sense.

Now that I've been thinking about it, I think I'm putting a ton of pressure on getting to the "number" 269 - the same way I did 300 and the same way I did 330.

It's like some huge race to get there - I feel like I'm trying to starve myself sometimes, trying to go 'overboard' in the gym sometimes - just doing things I normally wouldn't do (eat cookies - I'm not even a "sweets" guy), when these huge milestones come around.

I just need to settle down, stick in the gym, stick to good eating, and let the scale happen. Easier said than done though, I suppose. I've actually considered putting the scale away - pulling it down from the shelf on Mondays to weigh in for challenges, and not being obsessed with the scale number. On the other hand, there's been MANY times where I've wanted to eat poorly, but then I step on the scale and know in my head that if I do eat poorly, that number will go up. So in a way, stepping on the scale 8-10 times a day has kept me in check as well.

I get all mad that "I've been trying to hit 270 since October". That's not even really the truth. I half assed it for months, and the RESULT was me not hitting 270. That's a far cry from really working hard and just not earning the results. I've only been REALLY TRYING since December 1 - and I've lost 4-5 pounds since then. It means that I'm working hard and seeing results. I need to stop looking at 270 as a "goal", and focus on 1-2 pounds a week steady weight. Does that make sense, or is that me just making an excuse?

Warning, Ice on Road

Weigh In: 271.5
Five Day Average: 271.2

The last year has taught me a lot about myself. A lot of it is good - I can put my mind to something and achieve it. I have higher standards for myself than I used to. I can work harder than I gave myself credit for.

The last 24 hours have been strange. I wrote that blog last night just feeling like I could do nothing wrong. Even the picture in the blog yesterday showed someone hauling ass down a mountain with a big avalanche behind them. Sometimes when you get building your speed and workouts up so much, you need to watch out for the black ice on the bridge. There might be ice there - and where there's ice, there's a chance to slip up.

Today was my company holiday party. I was prepared - I knew I was going to eat with my group, but I knew I was going to make the right decisions, and I did. You can't even imagine the spread here - this was insane. Just nuts. I got sliced ham (that spiral ham thing) and this broccoli and cranberries salad. That's it. I went back to my desk, and was proud of myself.

But then, for some reason I went back and grabbed a handful of the candied popcorn. Just a small handful - nothing that's harmful, just a few bites.

The black ice.

I didn't drive off the road - but I think I lost some traction. After that, I wanted more. So I had another handful. And on the way home from work I grabbed 2 cookies. Not big cookies, but cookies. I don't know why. Was it a self-destruct button? Something in me that wants to 'reward' me for doing well the past few days?

I'm not sure what it was. But I slipped on the ice, regained control of my car and am back on the road, full speed. I may take a bump in the weight tomorrow morning, and it might piss me off, but what else can I do? Right back at it, full speed ahead.

There's Only One Way To Test Your Limits

Weigh In: 270.25 (tied for new low - October 13)
Five Day Weigh In: 271.6

A few cool things to note today.

First off - a mental war that was not only won, but dominated. I woke up today and just felt like doing NOTHING in terms of working out. I worked out twice last night, and my body was feeling it. So, I laid around and watched TV when I knew I should be in the gym. By my weight on the scale this morning, I knew I was SOOOOO close to seeing the 260's, so I kept telling myself that I absolutely HAD to get some exercise in.

So instead of packing a gym bag, going to the gym, getting a locker, working out and then having to transport all my crap to the showers, I put my running shorts and shoes on and threw the headphones out and head out the door. It was about 20 degrees out - but it got warm as I ran.

I was going to do my 'usual' (that I've done like 5 times - not exactly a 'habit') 2 mile route and get to work. As I was jogging, I decided that I wanted to try a different route. Just go a different way and really not worry about my 'time' and my 'speed' and just go for a run.

Best decision in my 'running history' yet. I just adventured. Should I turn right or left? Keep going, go into this neighborhood? Hey, I'm close to my in-law's house, maybe I'll run by and see if they see me so I can brag about this long ass run that I'm doing. About a half mile in, it started to rain. Remember that I told you that it's about 20 degrees. Basically a mushy hail. Pretty miserable.

Instead of wimping out, that fueled me as a challenge. The snow, braving the elements, running in winter gear - and "Eye Of The Tiger" blaring through the headphones - I was in my freaking element.

So I ran.

4.41 miles.

Nonstop.

Sweating balls the entire time - but I NEVER stopped.

Damn proud of myself.

I then went to work, ate right, came home, ate right (although I had seconds of dinner, probably shouldn't have done that but it was healthy seconds), and then went and played competitive volleyball for an hour and had a great sweat going there. Finally, it's 8:40pm as I type this, and I'm exhausted. But I feel good about myself.

I cheated once though, and I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. My general rule is that I weigh in right when I wake up, before I do any exercise or eating. It gives me a good official weigh in. As I said, it was 270.25. When I got done with my 4.41 mile run, I couldn't help but step on the scale. It read 268.5. New low, right? Wrong. Doesn't count unless it's the first weigh in of the day.

But it's on the horizon. It's coming. And it will be mine, sooner than later.

And then, when I get the 269, I'm going after 259 like a bat out of hell. Kind of like this video. Watch that right before you go work out. You'll nail it.

It's Great To Be FAT

Weigh In: 271.0
Five Day Average: 272.05
Weight Lost This Week: 4.83 pounds

Almost five pounds in a week. That's crazy to me, but I am proud of it. Sometimes you get weight loss as a fluke - something that just happens. I haven't had one of those times in a long, long time, but I've had them. This wasn't one of those. This is a result of hard work and being stellar at the dining room table. Not a single 'bad meal' or cheat all week.

I'm on the cusp of 270, and I can feel it. Today I went to the gym in the morning as usual, but after work, I just had this urge - it was like this craving - to get to the gym again tonight. I'm not sure why, but I TORE IT UP in there tonight. A man possessed. I spent about 20 minutes destroying the upper body, 20 minutes blowing out the lower, about 15 working on the core, and then when I thought I couldn't walk anymore and was pouring sweat, I jumped on the Elliptical and cranked out a half hour's worth.

I did what I have to do. Billy said that "if I didn't get into the 260s before the New Year" that he'd stop reading my blog. I know he doesn't mean that - he's addicted to Tuck - but it's nothing I've got to worry about. I'll see 260's THIS week. I'll see 265 before the end of this month.

Also, just wanted to say something about the Michigan FAT Coalition meeting last night. It was something special to meet and hang out with everyone. It's funny how that works - we got to Applebees at 2:30 and didn't leave until after 5 - and there wasn't a moment of that "awkward silence". Everyone was really cool, and I left the restaurant even MORE motivated to do well.

Here's a picture of the five of us. Click on it to make it larger.




Kevin said something on the Fat Forum that really hit home. In this picture, nobody is fat.

We couldn't have said that a year ago.

I'm proud of what this "Fat Coalition" represents. I titled the forum "Fat Coaliton - Where Friends Are Found and Weight Is Lost". That's what it's all about. It's not a list of strangers who just happen to want to lose weight. The way I view this group, I see you guys as my friends. The people I can trust with my thoughts and insecurities because I know you've been there, and I don't feel vulnerable talking to you guys.

You folks have saved my life in the most literal of terms.

So, to the FATties that have been here for a while, I think you know what I mean. To the newer members, here's to hoping you gain the same experiences that I have in this whole process.

Cheers.

PS: If you're in "Tuck's Big December Challenge", make sure to hit the forums and post your December 10th weigh in!

Important Day

Yesterday's Weigh In: 272.0
Today's Weigh In: 271.25
Five Day Average: 272.65

My scale bounced back and forth between 271 and 271.5 today, so I took the average.

Today's a big day for me. First off, the Michigan (and Colorado) representatives of the Coalition are meeting at Applebees for lunch today. Kevin and Beck have made their way into town, and Melissa and Grant, Kristen and Vince (?) and Erin and myself are going to meet up before Kevin and Beck make their way to the Pistons game. That's pretty cool.

Also, I saw the 271.25 on the scale today - which is almost a "new low" for me - something I haven't been able to post in a long, long time. My five day average has dropped from over 276 just since Monday.

I am doing what I can to break a cycle that I've been stuck in for literally 4-5 months. I get down to ALMOST 270, and then I feel comfortable with where I am, and then I completely blow it with a stupid eating decision that pushes me back up to where I started. Last night had potential for that trap - Erin and I went to go see Lion King (amazing production, go see it if you get the chance) and we went to Sweet Lorraine's for dinner beforehand. Lorraine's is a pretty fancy - not too much - restaurant with FANTASTIC food.

The problem is, most of it isn't great for you. I found a great meal though - chicken kebabs with green salad, topped with red bell pepper hummus as the dressing. We shared an eggnog cheesecake dessert (Erin's favorite), and I had 3 TINY forks full - where you barely use the tip of the fork, and when I went for the fourth bite Erin looked at me. I ignored her look, and went for the fourth bite - to which she grabbed my fork and took it from me. I love that woman.

So this week is really important to me, and getting to meet up with some of the Coalition is going to give me a bit of a boost. By this time next week, I could potentially have a 5-day average that is in the 260's, a goal that has eluded me for months.

All it takes is a bit of dedication.

New blogger

http://willphillips.org/health/

Check out Will's blog - and add him to your blogroll. He and I have a ton in common, and I know he'd love your support.

Also, I blogged last night so check that out too ;)

Excuse me?

Yesterday's Weigh In: 272.5
Today's Weigh In: 273.5
Five Day Average: 273.9

It's been almost two days since I've posted a blog, but ironically, I've been putting together a blog in my head since the last one.

I was watching Biggest Loser a few nights ago, and this blonde chick had a quote that just hit home pretty hard. Enough to the point where I rewound the DVR and wrote it down so that I could include it in today's blog.

She said, "I was lazy before I came to campus. I have no excuses. You know, there is a reason we looked the way that we did. I think we've learned a lesson and no matter what time we have to get up and what time we have to go to bed, we're going to get it done. The difference between the old me and the new me is my ability to overcome excuses".

Does that sound familiar to any of you?

We keep talking about how busy we all are, and how much we all have to do during the "holiday season". The scary part is - it's only December 7, and we've yet to hit the true 'holiday season' yet. There's deadlines - my final exams are a week from today - the last final exams I will take for my degree before I do my pre-student teaching. There's family and friends that want our time. There's obligations. There's everything that we face on a day to day basis, and it's no secret that this time of year it just multiplies.

The "old me" succumbed to the difficulties. I backed off on my exercise goals. I ate "ok" instead of perfect. I was less than inspired and I justified it by saying that I was busy.

The bottom line is - if this weight loss thing is really important to me, I'm going to overcome these excuses. And I'll call them excuses because that's exactly what they are. When I had a long day and I'm tired, if I haven't done something to better my weight loss situation and I justify it, it's an excuse. If I eat just a bit too much because I haven't eaten for a while or that I have been craving something - and hey, it's the holidays - that's an excuse.

Excuses are what some people use in their life to replace success. The others actually succeed.

What's your excuse? And what are you doing - TODAY, not tomorrow, to overcome it?

Long One

Weigh In: 274
Five Day Average: 275.4

Going to be a quick one tonight, I'm exhausted.

Had SUCH a long day today. I had a good workout at 6am, went to class, went to my other class, went to work, went to a 401k meeting at Erin's work, went to a 2 hour guitar concert tonight, and finally got home around 10pm. Long day for me.

Long story made short, I ate horribly today. But - not a 'bad' horrible, if that makes sense. It's one of those days where I didn't eat nearly enough and was starving all day. I didn't think to make breakfast before I ran out so I grabbed 2 apples for breakfast. I had a bit of lettuce with tuna fish on top for lunch around noon, and I just had a small bowl of wheat pasta at 10pm - maybe 7 or 8 bites, to hold off the hunger.

I'm not worried about it because for one day, I should be fine. Ironic though, considering after all these months of 'eating too much' - I damn near starve myself.

Either way - I'm doing well. Next time, I'll bring a snack, or be prepared. In the past, this was the perfect storm - a busy day with not enough to eat and it would have led me right into the drive through at a fast food joint. I did great with my restraint and did what I could - I held off until I got home. Victories come in strange sized packages sometimes.

And Three Is A Streak

Yesterday's Weigh In: 276.0
Today's Weigh In: 273.5
Five Day Average: 275.75

Another good day for me.

As I mentioned in the past, I've started to realize that it's not about "doing pretty good most of the time" when you're trying to successfully lose weight. I lost sight of the fact that the blunt honest truth is that you have to sacrifice when you don't feel like sacrificing. It's not just about planning a good healthy menu for your day if you're going to stray from it. It makes no sense to have these great ideas for workouts if you don't do them.

So I hit the gym hard yesterday, went to school and work, ate perfect, came home and had a healthy dinner. I had a pork chop in EVOO and a greens salad and skipped the mac/cheese light pasta stuff. Sure, it was 'a healthier' version - and that would be great when I get to my goal weight and am maintaining, but it's NOT 100% - and that's what I have to do.

I almost feel like I get energized - in a stubborn way. It's like I tell myself "no, you will NOT", instead of "c'mon Rob, you can do it.". Does that make sense?

So I'm rewarded with a good scale drop today. In the past, that would be 'good enough' and I would reward myself.

Not this month.

You all are so screwed in this monthly challenge ;)

One Hundred Percent

Weigh In: 276.0
Five Day Average: 276.5

I did well today.

Started off the day with a STRONG workout - it was only cardio, but on the Elliptical machine that I usually do 10 on incline and 10 on resistance (and that really pushes the limits), I did 14 on incline and 11 on resistance, I was pouring sweat the entire time. So, I followed rule #1 from yesterday - workout every day. Check.

Had a family gathering tonight (one of many), but this wasn't a holiday party. Erin's cousin Theresa turns 17 tomorrow so we had a birthday party. On the menu - Mostaccoli, broccoli casserole (fat free mayo, broccoli and bread crumbs) and side salads. Also, birthday cake. And, the parties at this house are famous for the side dishes - there's this "Slop" which is cream cheese, hormel chili and covered with melted cheese, and you eat it with tortilla chips. Insanely awesome.

I wanted to have a 'few' bites, but all I could think about is how I can't settle for "decent" - and that only PERFECT was acceptable. So, I skipped it 100%. Not a single ounce of bean dip. At dinner, I had a normal serving of pasta, some broccoli and extra salad to fill me up. I then applied my same 100% rule to the chocolate cake Erin made - and she makes AMAZINGLY MOIST chocolate cake. Not a single bite. I watched them all eat it, and I didn't even have a nibble off of Erin's plate.

100% is what it's going to take. Not 95%. Not 97, 98 or 99%.

100%.

I did that today - and folks, I'm a proud weekend warrior tonight.

The "HOW" In December

Weigh In: 277.5
Five Day Average: 276.81

In yesterday's post I mentioned that I wanted to talk about how December was going to be different than the past few months. Over the past 4 months, I've had these great posts about how "thing were going to change!", yet nothing changed. I've been all talk - and about half the action - and that's exactly why I'm the same weight as I was 4 months ago.

So here are the 2 rules for December.

1: Work out 6 days a week. This is what worked when I was losing the most weight. I actually plan on going 7 days a week, that's really what I was doing. The gym was as much of my day as waking up, showering, and going to work. It was part of my day, not something I did that was a 'big' deal. So, working out daily.

2: Realistic, perfect eating. I'm not going to pretend that I'm going to avoid all the holiday food. At family events, I'm going to enjoy it. I'm NOT going crazy - but if there's a bean dip, I'm going to have a few bites. I'll have the stuffing. I'll even probably have a few cheese and crackers. There'll be about 4 of these in the month of December, and I will enjoy them. That being said, that leaves the OTHER 151 meals (5 meals a day, 31 days) to be PERFECT. None of this "I did OK but I could have done better" crap. I mean - EATING PERFECT.

For example, today's menu was oatmeal for breakfast, 2 tuna fish sandwiches for lunch (a nod to Jim), and Chipolte's Salad bowl (pork, lettuce, black beans and green salsa - INTENTIONALLY passing on the chips, cheese and sour cream) for dinner.

I was starving all day today for some reason - it was one of those days where I was full, but my body just wanted me to eat and eat - so I did. I had 3 apples today - each cured a food craving. That's what I'm talking about - the right decision, EVERY time.

Quite simply, there can't be any excuses. I'm not going to justify eating 'a little bad' because I had a good workout. I'm not going to talk about eating right and then completely break it. I've got a plan - and in order to fight those 'uncontrollable' urges, I've learned that when that happens, I can't help it. I lose control. So, I fight fire with fire.

Got a crazy eating urge that won't go away. Feed it.

Apples. Carrots. Broccoli. Another apple. Hell, how about a third apple.

This is how December will be won.

And if that doesn't work - I asked Erin to get on my ass if she sees me even THINKING about slacking. And trust me - she's an Irish readhead. She's got *NO* problem scaring me.

And it works.

2008 or bust, my friends.

PS: Don't forget to register on the FAT forums, and if you want into Tuck's Big Challenge for December, post in this thread. This means you too - Calorie-count.com journal readers.

See you there!

High School Quarterback

"You look great, you've lost so much weight!"

"Every time I see you, you seem even skinnier!"

"I can't believe you've lost all that weight!"

"How much have you lost - that's amazing!"

"Hey there, slim!"

I've heard it all lately - and that's not exactly something you can complain about.

But this is where my problem lies:

Last Day of November (today): 278
Last Day of October: 275.5
Last Day of September: 276.75
Last Day of August: 278.5
Last Day of July: 282.5

What does this tell me? It tells me that I'm doing a hell of a job at maintaining, and that I'm getting pretty good at it. It also tells me that I've been putting hard work in for 5 months and completely wasting my time. It tells me that every time someone tells me how "good I look" and "how far I've come", I'm resting on my laurels.

I'm the Al Bundy of weight loss.

For those of you who watched "Married With Children", Al Bundy was great at telling stories about how good of a football player he was in high school. He'd tell you about the great plays, the fantastic games, and all the success that he had.

Yet - since high school, he'd done nothing.

Since June, my weight loss goals have done nothing.

I'm down 100 pounds exactly today. From 378 to 278. Remember back 4-5 months ago when I was celebrating that same milestone?

I haven't gained it back, but I haven't lost. I'm still there, doing the doggy paddle, floating out in the middle of the lake, when I should be paddling as hard as I can.

I'm tired of average. I'm tired of watching my opportunities pass me by.

I'm tired of being Al Bundy. It changed in December. I'll get into the HOW in the next blog.

But hey, you've got to give me this - there's one thing we have in common - Al and I both married redheads with great legs. I guess being Al Bundy ain't so bad after all. ;)

Another Day

Weigh In: 274.5

Hey, not much to report except for the weight came down again a few pounds. Pretty excited about that, but I'm well aware that nothing is guaranteed, and that jumping a few pounds each day will eventually catch up to you.

So I'm taking it and being happy about it, but I'm continuing to work hard, and not expecting that to continue. One day at a time, right?

Also, if you haven't signed up at the blog forum, go for it. It's over here:

http://fatcoalition.makeforum.org

Other than that, not much to report. Been wanting to try some new workout type of things, but right now, I'm still wanting to just make it a habit to be there again. Tomorrow's another day.

Third Blog of the Day (Important)

http://fatcoalition.makeforum.org/

This is the new forum for the FAT Coalition. I'll host the challenges there, and this is a good place for us to chat amongst each other. I find that the blogs can be limiting to long term conversations.

So, if you're a FAT member, join the forum. If you're not a FAT member but you read this blog, join the forum. If you just want to lose weight, gain muscle or just talk to us in a forum setting - you've got it - join the forum.

I'll be pushing it a bit here for a while, so if you know anyone who would want to just chat and make it active, give 'em the address.

Hope to see you there!

An Inspiring Story

On one of my sports forums, we have a random "Support Group" thread for people who are losing weight. Scott - one of the guys on the board - posted the following. This was just really cool to read, and I thought you guys would appreciate that. Enjoy.

===========

Originally Posted by ScottYoshonis

Here's something that I hope will help some of you who need some motivation to get started. It's my story, and I share it with you in the hope that I can put back into this thread what I have taken out of it.

A year ago last August, I weighed 315 pounds, and felt like crap all the time. My back was constantly going out, and I had a hard time standing up for any length of time without pain. My doctor found me some prescription appetite suppressants, and after losing about 40 pounds on them alone, I took to working out.

When I started, I did 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per session, and that was about all I could manage. 45 minutes on the elliptical would kill me, even on the easiest setting. Soon, however, I was able to do that 45 minutes and not be completely exhausted for the rest of the day.

I started weight training, with the routine that Joe King first posted in this thread a few pages back, and found that I was ridiculously weak. I lifted the weight that I thought that I should lift, not what I should have been lifting (which was, frankly, embarrassing), and hurt in places that I didn't even know I had. So, I stepped back, took it a bit easier, just to get through the sets. It didn't take long before it got a lot more comfortable, and the weight I was lifting increased. My routine for the next few months was, lifting three days a week, and an hour on the elliptical the other two.

By the end of last summer, I made it all the way down to 240, but then hit about a three-month plateau, and the hour of cardio twice a week and the lifting the other three days all of a sudden stopped working. Beginning in August, when high-school football teams started practicing, I decided to take a page from their book, and start two-a-days, lifting in the morning, and doing cardio in the afternoon, five days a week. That got things going again, and I was losing weight again, and it kept going after I went back to the previous routine, although a lot more slowly than previously.

Lately, I've been doing more weight training, propelled mostly by vanity. There is a noticeable difference in my arms and chest, mostly the realization that there is muscle there, and the tangible results of working out have served to make me want to do more. I've even subscribed to Men's Health magazine, which I would recommend to anyone, and have had fun trying some of their workouts.

I haven't gone with any special diet, just tried to eat more healthy foods in smaller portions. I've tried to keep right around 2000 calories per day, and have been successful doing that, mostly just through portion control and watching my intake of fat. I have healthy snacks (low-fat granola bars, beef jerky, cereal bars, whole-grain crackers, that kind of thing) in my desk here at work, and just nosh on them when I'm hungry, usually eating just one genuine meal per day. As I have since I started, I take Sundays "off," and eat what I want. That way, I never look a slice of cheesecake or pizza or lasagna and say, "I haven't had that in months! Screw this diet nonsense!"

The result of all this is that at 46 I feel better than I ever have, even when I was in high school. About a week before Thanksgiving, I weighed in at 219, 96 pounds lighter than when I started about 15 months ago.

My grandmother passed away at that time, however, and between that and Thanksgiving, I've not been to the gym nearly as often, have eaten a lot more high-fat foods and have gained a few pounds back. What's more, I noticed that I was getting depressed more often and more easily. Part of that was the grieving process, sure, but I'm also convinced that my body missed the endorphins released when I exercise.

Furthermore, a large part of the reason why I haven't been around here lately is that I have much less of a desire for confrontation. I'm a lot calmer and better able to emotionally cope with adversity without resorting to anger, and I think that the change in my diet and lifestyle is the main reason for it.

I really wish I could tell those of you who are on the fence about getting fit how different I feel, and really am, since I started. I was never a fitness fanatic, and I don't consider myself one now. I was just an average, sedentary guy who simply got up and did it, and I guarantee that nobody who's reading this right now is in any worse shape than I was when I started. In fact, I thought that it was too late for me to ever be fit again, and that I'd just have to get used to being a fat guy for the rest of my life.

I was wrong. I'm having a blast doing it, too.

You will feel a lot better a lot sooner than you think, if you do it regularly. And, once you get going, it isn't hard to keep taking the next step, or even to know when to take it. Just get a good plan and follow it. Know what you're going to do before you do it, and you'll be more likely to accomplish what you want.

And, you will feel great.

Not Much To Report

Weigh In: 277.25

At least it's going back in the right direction. Hard to be happy about anything with a 7 in it, but it beats the pants off the 281 that I saw yesterday. Just have to keep doing what I did yesterday - good workout, good eating, small portions. Had eggs for breakfast this morning, and will have a salad with tuna for lunch and a smart dinner.

One thing of note, I suppose. My mom has been trying to get me to figure out what I want for Christmas (I'm such a pain with this - I'm always saying "I don't know"), so I went onto the New Balance website and picked out a pair of running shoes, and then I was interested in a pair of running pants and anything that helps with running.

Last year, it was all about the video games and movies and those types of things. This year it's about running and exercise.

What a difference a year makes.

Habits Are Hard To Make (Or is the Break?)

Sorry for not being around the past few days, the holidays seemed to take over and it seemed like I didn't go 10 minutes without being at a holiday party, get together or meal. That being said, it's sad that I have to report my weigh in today at 281.5, the same as it was yesterday.

But before I go into this whole thing about seeing the 280s again and how frustrating it is, I think I want to mention something else.

I'm a damn lucky guy.

I am blessed with a great family and great friends, and with Thanksgiving weekend come and gone, it's a good time to reflect on that. I think my wife and I are in a great minority of people who are lucky to have our mothers and fathers still married with intact families, and large families on both sides that spend all the holidays together enjoying each other's company. I'm a lucky, lucky guy for that. I'll never feel bad about it.

That being said, this is where I have to be stronger. With each of these families comes large family gatherings. It seems like the past few months I've had more meals out than most people have in a year. Going out to eat, family parties, going out with friends - again, I'm blessed. I even make good decisions - I skip the breads, I choose the salad over the cheeses, I even skipped all the desserts (yes, the cheesecake and the pumpkin pie) on Thanksgiving night.

But my problem has been serving sizes lately. Grazing. Having more than I should have, just because it's there. Hell, everything has been unorganized lately - my meals, my schedule, my life. But again, as I mentioned, I'll never complain about that.

I need more structure though. I need to plan out the meals ahead of time - make the good choices, and really focus on how much, not just 'what types of', food that goes into my system, and I have to follow it up with a PERFECT workout plan. I need to get back into old 'habits' that I've had in the past, and just do it.

So I started that today. Gary and I are going to start working out together, but he couldn't make it this morning. Didn't matter - in the past few months I would wake up with Erin, dick around, go to work and/or school and then hit the gym when I had time. I've been going pretty much daily, but it would alternate - some days I'd go to the gym in the morning, some days I'd go at night, some days I'd skip.

Today, I set the alarm early and was in the gym at 6am. By 7:30 I was headed towards class and work, and as of right now at noon, I've been 100%. Good cardio workout this morning, had a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, and am having a salad w/ tuna on top (small serving) for lunch. I have a Kashi meal-replacement bar waiting for me when hunger strikes around 3:00. I'll go home, get some stuff done, make dinner for Erin, and we're having chicken breasts and salads (I'll be making her a side of potatoes but I won't touch it).

That'll be my day. And then I'll wake up tomorrow, and get right back at it.

The 281.5 flat out sucks - but what am I going to do, bitch about it? I earned it, I'll accept it, and I'll change it. And then I'll do it again tomorrow.

My goal is to get out of the 270's by New Year's Eve. That means I have to make better choices more often. That means more days like today, and more structure. Here we go again.

Turkey Trot Part Duex

Today was awesome.

I woke up at 5am and I just popped out of bed. I was geeked to run this race, geeked to meet up with Jim, Kristen and Melissa to do this 5k this morning. This one meant a lot to me because this was exactly one year from the day I decided to rescue myself from a road of destruction. This was a day where I could do a very direct comparison from "the beginning to current". Today was the 25th Annual Turkey Trot (5K race) in Detroit, MI.

On my right side bar under "accomplishments", you'll notice that I have kept track of all my times for my races. This time last year, my time was 46 minutes, 48 seconds. Pretty damned slow - but my accomplishment there wasn't about the time, it was about finishing a 5k on the first day of my journey. Today, a year later, my time was 31 minutes, 29 seconds. For the non-math majors out there, that means that in one year, I've shaved 15 minutes and 19 seconds off of my 5k time. That's over 5 minutes shaved off of my ONE MILE time. I'm super proud of that. Also, being only 1 minute and 29 seconds over 30 minutes - I'm sure you can guess what my next 5k goal is, right? Getting under 30 would be a great, great thing for me.

Last year, I blogged the day of the race and posted this chart that I found. It's a 'guide' for beginning runners - it tells you a few things, but most importantly, it tells you what is considered "fast", "moderate" and "easy".


According to this - and to be fair, I don't know if this is a good guide or what, but my time of 31:29 puts me squarely in the "fast" category. Frankly, that's pretty damn cool to me. As I look through the list of people that raced this year, I held my own. Last year, I was 2nd to last in my age category - but I was middle of the pack for the entire race this time. That's a major accomplishment. I am a legit runner - and I may not be the fastest, but I qualify for average now. And at 275 - I'm probably still the heaviest guy out there. This time next year when I'm talking about my third Turkey Trot, I'll be at my goal weight and cranking it out.

Also - it was great to meet Melissa and Kristen. When you meet someone for the first time, you usually don't have any clue on what to say, or you worry about it being awkward. Because of these blogs, when Kristen came up to us it was like we had been friends for almost a year. Hell, we HAVE been - we just haven't done the face to face thing. Melissa was the same way - they're both cool as hell. The funny thing is, they're exactly like how they seem in their blogs - passionate about their weight loss, dedicated to it, funny as hell, and both random as hell. Go from one thought one second to a completely other thought the next. Cracked me up. VERY cool folks, and we're damn lucky to have them in the Coalition.

That being said, here's a few pictures. I'm sure Melissa will shoot some too, but I'm stealing the thunder and putting them up. Enjoy!

This one's Jim and I. See that sweatshirt I'm wearing? That's a 1x. This time last year I was in a 4x. That's pretty damn cool to me.


Kristen on the left, Melissa on the right. They both ROCKED IT OUT, both coming in under 31 minutes. Neither one had ever done this before, and they just made it look easy. SO proud of both of them. Oh, and note Kristen's hair - she did it all up before the race. This was after the race. That was time she'll never get back ;) Seriously though, these two chicks are cool as hell, and inspired the hell out of me. Kristen and I paced each other for about 2 mile or so, but after that I ate her dust. Great work, girls!

The fantastic Turkey Trottin' Four. All four of us really made big strides. Jim improved his time by I think 4-8 minutes - Kristen and Melissa both had their maiden 5k voyages and came literally seconds from getting under 30 minutes each. I cut 5+ minutes off my last time in May and over 15 minutes in 1 year's time.

I'm damn proud of the FAT Coalition this week. When the four of us were talking today, I felt like this was more than just a few kids talking about weight loss. This is a team - a family, that is going to support each other until we're all where we want to be, and we'll be doing this for a long time. I can't tell you guys enough how proud I am of Jim, Kristen and Melissa.

For the rest of you out there, we're all together in this. We may not be next door neighbors, but we're all one unit. Let's take this power and strength into 2008. Take a good look at yourself now, and in the past - and then decide right now, at this moment, where you want to be on Thanksgiving 2008.

Will you be thankful?

Today, I realize how blessed I am in so many aspects of my life.

What A Difference A Year Makes

With tomorrow being one year for me in this process, I've been thinking a lot about WHY I decided to take this so seriously this time. I know I'm a like a lot of you - we've yo-yo dieted for years, go hard for a few weeks or months, and then gain it all back, and then have to do the entire thing all over again.

So why is it different this time? Why have I lost it and kept it off? What keeps me going, and what are my goals?

I want to be healthy. And I don't mean "not going to die early because of a heart attack" healthy. I mean the type of healthy that allows me to live my life on MY terms. The type of healthy that lets me climb every mountain that is in front of me - whether it's in my career, my fitness goals, my marriage, or literally climbing a mountain. I want my body to be the temple that I hear about - and not the dumping station that I've let it become.

I want to be sharp. I want to be able to look into a mirror without wondering what I've done to myself. I've been looking at pictures, even current ones, and where my friends and family see someone who has "lost over 100 pounds", I see someone who has so much more to lose. I see a midsection that I'm still ashamed of, and a body that needs so much work still. But the good news is, a year ago today I looked myself in the mirror and thought that I had dug myself a hole so deep that there wasn't an exit.

When you're pushing 400 pounds, you don't think about running 5k's nonstop, you don't think about buying clothes at a shop that doesn't start with "Big and Tall" - you accept that you're never going to do certain things with your life because you've already permanently screwed it up. And the worst trap of them all is the acceptance of this because you feel like you've done it to yourself, and that you DESERVED what you got. You give up hope. I'm not that guy anymore - and even though I'm not where I want to be.. YET, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm optimistic instead of giving up. That's a big step for me.

I want to be proud. My life revolves around my family, and when it's my time and I die, I want them to be able to say that I was somebody to them. I want to be known as someone who achieved full potential in every aspect of my life. When I look in the mirror, even today, I see someone who hasn't fulfilled the goals that he's set for himself - YET. I should have graduated college 10 years ago. I should have been teaching 10 years ago. I should have never gotten myself to the point that I allowed myself to get to in terms of my health. I could have been a better husband and son in the past. I want to be the guy who can be relied upon, I want to be the guy who people can turn to for trust, strength, and motivation.

I've come a long way from where I was before. Exactly one year ago, I was talking to a friend online about how helpless I felt. I was overweight, my back hurt so much daily that tying my shoes made me break out in sweats. I felt like a complete failure who had lost every battle that he had faced. I still remember sitting at my computer desk talking to him online and feeling so miserable about how things were. I wanted more, but I didn't have the pride, strength or motivation to take it. Frankly, I didn't feel like I deserved that chance at life because I had already pissed it away.

Today, I'm a different man. I may not have met every one of my goals yet - the bulging abs, the degree, the teaching job, the perfect husband and son, but there's a major difference. Last year, these things were an oasis - the palm tree in the desert that wasn't really there.

Today, it's reality. One year from now, when I post on this blog on my second year anniversary, I will be all of those things.

Continue on this journey with me for my second year. It's going to be even better than the first one.

Trotting Towards Thanksgiving

Yesterday was a strong day with perfect eating and perfect exercise. I woke up this morning not wanting to work out since my muscles were sore as hell, but I knew that I wanted to stick to my guns, work out in the morning (hell, I have volleyball tonight, bonus) before work and get my groove going for the day.

Since I didn't want to lift weights and I knew it was going to be all cardio, I thought it would have been a waste of time to go to the gym. And with my rebirthday being on Thanksgiving, I thought it would be appropriate to warm up for the 5k Turkey Trot with a good brisk run this morning. I did a 5k this morning, and I felt pretty good about it. After about the 1 mile point I thought I was going to die, but all I could think about was "I'll be damned if I walk". After this entire year of working so hard to get to where I am today, there was no way in hell I was going to stop running.

And I didn't.

In fact, I had my best time ever. I'll do all the comparisons against last year on Thanksgiving because it'll be an 'official race time', but today I clocked myself at 30:52. That's amazing to me. I've been wanting to break thirty minutes but figured I had a long, long way to go to do that. To me, a 30 minute 5k is a huge milestone to break. It's like breaking 300 pounds. One of those miletones that I looked at as something that probably would never happen.

But breaking 300 DID happen. In fact, it's so far in the rear view mirror that it'll never happen again.

The 30 minute 5k will be mine. It may not be this week, but one day, I'll look back at the 30 minute 5k and wonder how I could ever have been so slow.

Oh, and by the way - 273 on the scale today. I know I've said this a million times, but the fire is starting to burn again. I can feel it.

Lightning In A Bottle

I posted a blog a few hours ago - this is just a follow up to it.

Around 3:30 or so, I was starving. I ate my lunch early, so I hadn't eaten anything since like 10:30. So there I was sitting at work, and all I could think about was food. I was talking to Billy online and telling him about this, and we're talking about how I just need to find the fire again.

So I am supposed to leave work at 5, and Erin doesn't get home until after 8:30. To be flat out blunt, I didn't trust myself to go home with 3 1/2 hours to myself and not empty the fridge in one quick binge. I just didn't trust myself.

Instead, I stayed at work late, went to the gym at six - and I had a tuna packet that I grabbed from my lunch desk and ate it dry on the way to the gym.

When I got into the gym, I started thinking about how much I've failed myself lately. Binging on foods I have no business even thinking about, having shitty workouts, staying in these 270's since I believe August.. I just got fed up, and something snapped in me.

My bench weight went up 20 pounds. My shoulders, arms, back, abs, everything went much more intense. My leg press maxed the machine, and I did both leg presses and calf raises at 400 pounds.

I was on fire.

I came home, and still wanted food.

I had an apple.

Erin gets home in about 45 minutes and there's going to be baked perch and a side salad ready for both of us.

Today - I get an A. I'm proud of that.

What I Feel Like Doing

What I feel like doing right now:
Binging on anything I can find to eat.

What I'm going to do:
Finish off my last half hour of work, chug some ice cold water, and head straight to the gym.

I ate my lunch too early today, so I'm starving. Mistake number one. I've got a tuna packet sitting here so I'm going to eat that on the way to the gym, and then that should hold me over until dinner time.

Today is one of those days where I have to prove myself - to myself.

I will not binge. I will eat smart, and get that craving out by hitting the gym and knocking it out of the park.

I thought I should put it out there so you can ask me how I did later tonight and keep me honest.

Reality

Weigh In: 278.5
Today's Grade: B+

I gave myself a B+ today because I think I did pretty well. I actually slept until 10am, which is UNHEARD of, and didn't eat until after noon (and a workout that I got in). I did good with my meals today and even made some good choices. For dinner we had Boston Market chicken, so I did well. My wife brought over the leftover cheesecake from yesterday, and I skipped it - instead opting for a Weight Watchers (2 points, not that I count them) ice cream bar.

I could have skipped the ice cream bar, but I was sitting at a table with everyone eating cheesecake, so to weight my options, I'd say I did well.

One thing Rebecca said tonight got me thinking. She was talking about what my motivation is, and she compared it to what I used to be in the past. Billy had said something about that as well.

I think the God honest truth is, I really don't "feel like" doing this right now. I don't have that ultimate motivation, and I really feel like sometimes I'm doing this whole weight loss thing "because I have to", and not "because I want to". It's been a constant struggle these past few months, and now that I've been thinking about it, I really feel that this may be why.

The good news is, even though I don't want to be doing this, I am anyways. In the past, this is where I lose it, I go crazy and re-gain everything I'd ever lost. We've all done that, we know that feeling. Because I feel accountable to you guys, maybe that's why I don't quit.

It's just the reality of the situation. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

I don't feel like having this major drive towards weight loss that includes 'great motivational speeches' and the fire in the gym that I've had in the past.

But I do it anyway. I'm trying to regain the drive to do it. And maybe it'll slowly grow like a stoked fire. Maybe one day I'll just click and it'll all happen just like it did in the past.

But maybe, I do it because I know I have to. There's a ton of things in this life that I won't want to do but I will do because it's best for me. This may very well be one of them.

So that's why I struggle. That's why nothing seems like a 'constant' for me. I've always tried to picture myself as the "next" Billy - the guy that just goes nuts and is completely changes his life. I thought that it would be easy, but I have a feeling that Billy would agree when I guess that his journey wasn't "easy".

I'm rambling now, but I wanted to get that out there. The good news out of all of this is that I'm getting to be aware of it, and I know what my enemy is. The better news is that I think that fire will eventually come back, and if I've proven to myself that I can do what I need to do when I don't want to - once I want to again, it'll be that much more success?

Is that stupid? Does it make sense? I don't even know, but that's what I'm thinking.

I'm going to win this thing, whether I like it or not.

Day Four

Weigh In: 276
Day's Performance Grade: F

It was a bad day in the life when it came to the healthy lifestyle today.

Ate all day long, but didn't really blow it until dinner-ish time. But, it wasn't your normal "eat too big of a portion" thing. This was something I was really prepared for, but the excuse ends there.

We went to a "games night" with a bunch of my wife's teacher friends. Had a blast, they're all good folks, and we had a TON of fun. But there was no 'dinner'. It was all appetizers and snacks, and long story made short, I didn't hold back. I started by having the hummus because it was one of the only healthy choices, but if it was one of my weaknesses, it was there. Mexican dips, spinach dips, garlic bread, you name it - I ate it. I didn't have large portions really, but I picked and picked and ate non stop it seems from 6pm until just before midnight.

So when that scale goes up tomorrow (and it will), it's my own damn fault.

All I can do is fix it. And a week from now, when I'm wondering why I'm still in the 270s, I can look at this blog and remember the day I gave into temptation. That just sucks.

But it's life. And it also means that I'll be 100% tomorrow, and get my grade back up where it needs to be to pass this test.

Day Three

Weigh In: 276
Day's Performance: A-

I did well today. I ate right, although I think I probably ate too big of a lunch. I had a good small victory tonight at dinner. All I could think about is how my dinners have been too big lately, and tonight we went to Bennigan's for dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday. This place, if you haven't been there, is a complete food trap. For example, they have this sandwich called the Monte Cristo - it's a huge sandwich with ham, turkey and cheese - and then it's DEEP FRIED and then they put sprinkled powdered sugar on it.

In the past, I would have had two. I think they've got like 3000 calories or something insane like that.

I ordered the "Pick Two" with an 8 ounce angus beef well done steak and a grilled chicken breast. I substituted the baked potato and got steamed broccoli instead. I also passed 100% on the rolls and butter - and had a diet coke.

Oh, and I went to the gym not once, but twice today.

So, I give myself an A- for the day. It would have been an A if I would have had a better lunch, but I had that 'stuffed' feeling because I overate. I'll be doing the letter grades for now on, analyzing each day. Perhaps I'll start to give myself 'weekly report cards' averaging my weekly grades. We'll see how that goes.

Day 3 in the books - tomorrow will start a real challenge. Weekend Warriors - who's with me?

Day Two

So I did some things right and some things wrong today.

I woke up, and immediately didn't feel like going to the gym. I sat down and watched Kid Nation before work (pretty good reality show considering the garbage out there), and had extra time since today was a late day at work. I literally debated in my head whether or not to watch another show since I was SO comfortable, or go to the gym. I manned up and just went to the gym. Got a great workout in as well.

Eating went great today. For breakfast - Kashi cereal. For lunch, a salad with veggies and fat free italian dressing with a tuna packet. The problem came at dinner. I was starving, so I had 4 turkey meatballs that Erin made. Super healthy, had peppers and onions cooked into them. Delicious. But then I was still hungry, so I had a small bowl of cereal. Then, I had another one.

That's just stupid on my part. But this is what my weakness is. I get so damned desperate after eating perfect every day, and then I blow it at dinner. I don't get why this is - but it just is. I have always throughout my life had dinner as the 'big' meal of the day. Maybe it's bred into me that I should be completely FULL after dinner.

That's stupid logic and I know it.

I feel like I wasted a day, but I know I did a lot good. I just need to do MORE good. Less 'little mistakes', and more 'perfect because I DESERVE it'.

I did OK today. That's not enough.

Tomorrow I *WILL* be better. And that starts with a strong gym workout.

Day One

Weigh In: 277.5

Last night was an important night for me.

I told you guys that a lot of other issues in my life have been messed up - and without getting into the details, weight loss isn't the only thing I recommitted to today. When things get real rough and you start to lose sight of what is most important to you in your life, it tends to get pushed back. I've done that in two areas of my life in the past few weeks, and yesterday, I recommitted to both of them.

I don't want to get into the first one - the person who needs to read this knows who I am talking about.

The second one is worth talking about.

I ate perfectly yesterday. I had an awesome workout - I'm talking a 9:28 mile as a "warm up", a great weight lifting workout followed by a 30 minute elliptical cooldown. I felt energized for the first time in a while. I actually went to Wayne State's gym which was a "new and different" feel, it helped push me a bit.

So that's all I can do. That's Day One. Now, today's a new day. We'll call it Day Two.

Oh, and PS: Happy 50th Birthday mom! You still look 29 to me. =)

Quitters Never Win

Weigh In: 278.5

I've had a few of you send me emails of encouragement, and I really appreciate it.

I've been doing a ton of soul searching lately - trying to find how out to get Tuck's groove back. I've done everything - I've spent time praying about it (and I'm not much of a prayer guy), I've talked to people, I've tried to back away and look at things from a different way, and I've even gone to a few online Overeaters Annonymous meetings. I only mention that because I need to recognize the fact that I haven't just brushed this off.

Life is just crazy right now - and I'm not just talking about 'being busy'. There's a lot of stress happening now and it's coming from different sides of my life. Some things are a bit overwhelming and I'm having a hard time dealing with them. That's just the way it is, and I need to realize that I'm hiding from issues that I need to face.

This has thrown my life cycle completely out of whack. I'm not eating at regularly scheduled times, I'm not working out NEARLY as much as I should be - and even when I do, they lack the intensity. And I've been snacking a ton lately, which makes no sense because I've never even been that 'snacker' guy. I've never had any weakness for those 'bite here, bite there' things.

All I've been able to do lately is think about when the next meal is - where the next piece of food is that I can pop into my mouth. I don't know why, but I'm relating it to what's going on in life right now.

Honestly, I'm tired of bitching about it, and I'm tired of coming on here and posting about how bad my life is. It's not that bad - I just have some issues, but I think we all do at some point. I feel like I'm letting you guys down by not being the 'motivational leader' that I've been in the past. With blogs slowing down lately, and if I'm being honest, with Billy taking on less of the leader role, I feel like it's up to me to not only carry myself, but put the Coalition on my back and lead by example. Bluntly, I've been failing miserable at all aspects of this.

So - and I know I've said this a hundred times before - I'm giving it another push up the hill. I've come a long way, and in the past perhaps I didn't realize that my 'reasons' were 'excuses'. I know exactly what the issues are, and I need to change it. I think that starts with my piss poor attitude lately. Feeling sorry for myself, feeling helpless - that's not usually my style, but it has been lately.

I had a good breakfast this morning, and I was STARVING today driving into work. The last few weeks, that means I would have gotten to work and scarfed down my lunch, and then ate whatever was laying around all day. I vowed to be different and put myself in a better situation today. I went to Meijers on the way to work - got a cheap salad for like $1.50, I'm going to put a tuna pack into it for a healthy protein lunch, and I brought my own dressing to work - the healthy stuff.

To battle the snacking cravings, I know that I'm not strong enough to fight them off lately. So, I got a bunch (is that what they call it, a "bunch") of broccoli and a bag of baby carrots.

If I'm going to snack uncontrollably, I can't think of a better alternative.

So here we go again. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Day 1. The counter starts today, my weight loss starts again today. With Billy's re-birthday just passing yesterday, it reminds me that my re-birthday is November 22nd. That's 8 days away.

I won't hit my 100 pounds lost goal that I wanted to hit by then - I'd have to get to 250. It ain't happening. But the best thing I can do for myself is end my first year on a strong note, being proud of my accomplishments of the past year instead of this 'poor me' attitude I've had lately.

Back at it - once again. I told myself that I would never quit trying. I may not win every fight, but the one you bail on is the one you lose.

Pushing Through

Yesterday's Weigh In: 279
Today's Weigh In: 276.5

First off, I want to thank Kevin for shooting me an email to see what was up. I only missed one day of blogging, but I think he knew that there was something else going on in my head.

I've been so down the past few days because of the weight on the scale. I can't even explain it - the best I can say is that if it wasn't for this blog and my accountability to you folks, I would have lost it completely. I have had no motivation for a while, but at least the scale was going down. When that thing jumped up to 279, there's not a word in the dictionary to explain how I felt about it.

I feel like there's two forces literally pushing on my body. There's that thought in the back of my head that tells me to keep pushing, to keep driving as hard as I can - it's the one that gets me to the gym and eating right.

But the other one is like two hands just pushing down on my shoulders, forcing me to stay put. It's hard to explain, but it's almost a literal feeling of being forced down. The motivation part of me has always been able to push away and get me to where I need to be - I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't.. but I can't seem to get out of it lately.

Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's just me. Maybe the frustration of being in these 270s for so damned long is breaking me down.

Either way, I have to just do it. So, I'm getting out of this chair and going to the gym before work. What else can I do? Back at it, right?

Changes

Ok, so I'm not supposed to weigh in at night - but I feel bloated as hell today. I haven't eaten too horribly today, but for the past few days, I've probably had more processed whites (breads and pasta) than I have in months. I feel absolutely huge right now.

So I stepped on the scale at 10:32 at night.

283.5.

That's 283.5. With an 8.

Usually, I drop about 3 pounds at night, so that means I'm up near 280. That makes absolutely no sense to me. That means I've gained about 9 pounds overnight? That's not physically possible, is it? And that's assuming that I am going to lose my nightly 3 pounds.

I don't get it - I haven't eaten too bad. Calories have been reasonable - although not ideal, surely not 283.5 bad. If that sticks, I may very well lose my mind.

I may be going drastic here pretty soon. I need to get out of the 270's, but damn if I'm going the wrong direction. I've been thinking about going to a straight diet for a while, perhaps the whole meal substitution thing, I don't know. I have to sort things out, but if this scale reads anything closely related to what I think it's going to in the morning, then I'm throwing out the rulebook that I know and I'm going extreme for a while. Call it extreme, call it a 'diet', call it a detox - but I have to do something.

Let's knock on wood. But if the termites bite, I'm changing all the rules. I'll report back in tomorrow morning.

New Belt

Weigh In: 271.5
Calories Counted: Hard to say, around 2000?

Had a bowl of shredded wheat for lunch, a salad with black beans and tuna fish for lunch and weight watcher chicken chili for dinner - I probably had too much chili, had 2 full bowls, but I'm telling you, that stuff was pretty damned good, and if I'm going to 'overeat', it might as well be weight watcher's chicken chili.

The tailbone's still busting me up, but I'm noticing that it's either going away slowly - or the Aleve I'm taking is really working wonders. I got a pretty good workout in the past few days, even if I haven't been able to do 'heavy lifting'.

In other news, a few months ago I bought a belt that was size 46/48 - I bought this belt because my old one was too big, and I had to poke holes in it to make it fit. I lost enough weight to get into the 46/48 belt. Over the past few months, my 'new, smaller' belt started eating up the belt holes to the point where today Erin was able to buy me a third belt - this one a size 42. That's pretty cool to me - because the first belt I had was a size 50/52. That's 10/12 belt sizes for you mathematicians out there. A small victory in a war against the scale that's been a stalemate these past few months. Goes to show that you can lose inches even if the pounds aren't disappearing.

Also, I'm a big concerned about the state of the FAT Coalition lately. It's been dead. What used to be a daily blog for many has turned into 1 - maybe 2 a week. I know the weather and season changes are affecting us, other issues have come into play, and maybe it's just getting old or tough - but I'm seeing a slowdown again. If you're struggling, maybe it's time to use the ol' blog a bit more. Perhaps touching base with everyone will re-energize you. Lord knows that this blog has single-handedly saved me from falling off the wagon more times than I can count.

So, for those of you who this applies to - I hope things are going well. Keep in touch more often - I check everyone's blog at least 5 or 6 times a day, and I'd love to have more blogs to leave comments for, and more teammates to cheer on!

Ouch

Weigh In: Already reported

Ok, now this is going to sound really stupid, but I've got a major bruise on the bottom of my tailbone, and I have no idea what the hell it's from. Right down at the bottom of the spine - it's been hurting for the past few days, but today and yesterday it's really been tough. For example, when I sit down in my computer chair, I'm comfortable. But I know when I get up, there's going to be a laser beam of pain shooting from the tailbone.

Pardon the pun, but it's a pain in the ass.

I've been gaining steam in the gym lately, but this is totally limiting. I went to do my dumbbell curls (50 pounds), and I could hardly lift them. The pain was shooting through my lower back, it was rediculous.

I'm hoping I can sleep it off, but if not, I may end up at the doc's over it. Plus, add that to my right shoulder that I'm convinced I'm going to end up with tendonitis or arthritis in - it's been stiff and burning for months and has been getting progressively worse lately.

I apologize to those of you who actually sat through me whining through this blog. I feel like I really need to push as hard as ever right now, yet potholes keep popping up. Either way, as I said yesterday, I'm doing what I need to do - whether I'm up for it or not.

TGIF - big time.

Oh, and here's some good news. Everyone welcome Geoff to the FAT Coalition. Welcome aboard, Geoff.

Doing It Anyway

Yesterday's Weigh In: 271.5 or 274?
Today's Weigh In: 272.5

Hard to explain yesterday's weigh in, I'm trying to avoid getting a new scale. I stepped on the scale, and it ready 271.5. Then I stepped on it again and got a 274. Then a few other times so I could try to get some consistency and it kept going back and forth. So I said screw it, stepped off and went on with my day. Today it was a consistent 272.5 the three times I stepped on it, so I went with it.

It's been a tough week this week, both mentally and physically. Some stuff just completely consuing my mind and energy, and it's completely taken my drive to do the right thing away. If it was up to me, I'd wake up, sit on the couch and just bury myself in junk food. I've been down and out for about a week, and there's been no drive at all. Work, school, the gym, my eating, you name it - I'm just feeling down.

But I do it anyway. I wake up, and I go to school. I go to work. I eat right. I exercise. I wish I sounded more upbeat and energized, but I'm just not into it.

I really don't feel like doing it, but I do it anyway.

And that's what success is.

Moody?

Do you feel that outside temperature affects your eating habits?

Yes 73.8%

Hmm - I'm not sure 12.1%

No 14.0%

This was in interesting question on weather.com of all places. I was checking what the weather was like outside today because I've been trying to force myself to go outside and run after work, and this happened to be on the main page when I punched in my zipcode.

It seems to be going around - and perhaps there's a lot more to it. Billy had mentioned the season changes affecting his mood lately, and it seems like the Coalition in general is running in a low gear. We've been slow as a group in terms of comments, replies and even blog posts - and it doesn't seem like we've got that fire that we've had in the past as a team.

I've been eating well, but my workouts have been less than stellar. In the past, I may have chalked it up to "look at this survey.. EVERYONE is gloomy, it's not just me". In the past, I would have used that as an excuse.

Look yourself in the mirror. Are you doing EVERYTHING you can do to lose this weight? Are you motivated and excited about it? Do you see yourself at your goal weight in the future and just get giddy?

I don't either.

But I fight through it. What about you?